This is pretty much the worst way Bungie could have implemented matchmaking into the end-game content. Nobody asked for help with the Heroics, it was the Raid and Nightfall they wanted this on. Second, it should be an option, not mandatory. Sometimes I want to start the Heroic and have my friends join me when they are ready. Sometimes nobody is on and I just want to solo it. The reasons listed in the OP are the main reasons I usually avoid the Vanguard playlist. I don't want to deal with AFKs and I don't want to drag a lower level through so he can get free rewards off my effort.
On a side note, I was doing the Devil's Lair strike off the map the other day for the bounty. Walking Tall was also available, so I figured I'd get both in one go. One of the guys I got stuck with was totally hanging back the whole time. He waited for us to clear out the first room, waited until the Walker was almost dead before joining that fight and then tried to sit outside the door on the final fight. I'd finally had enough so I went out and started meleeing him to get him into the fight. He didn't move. So I started pushing him. No reaction. I realized he had gone AFK. So I kept pushing him all the way out into the main area, then used him as cover while shooting Sepiks Prime. SP teleported right beside us and blasted that guy into atoms. No Walking Tall for you that day, loser! But imagine this in the Heroics? Thanks, Bungie!
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I am not certain, but I am pretty sure if you have your friends join your fireteam while in the strike it actually splits the strike in two letting your friends join and leaving them with an identical copy but without you. I had this happen while doing ROC strikes. We were down a person and a friend came online. We were chatting in party and I offered to let him join. When he dropped in the other person immediately went away and we carried on from there. Same thing another time when I had two others in the strike with me. Friend dropped into fireteam and the other two dissappeared and we carried on from the point I was at. May be a different explanation for what happened, but maybe something to try?
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I would have just left and went back into matchmaking.