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originally posted in:CentauriAlpha Fan Fiction
Edited by Royal Blade:
8/29/2015 3:29:19 PM
6
Recon-Part 2
[b]Part 2 of my first series thing I worked on some of the issues people addressed so I hope you enjoy :)[/b]
The Vex cloud disappeared revealing a dozen Goblins, several Hogoblins, and an Axis Minotaur.
Geyser jumped off the top of the dune that he and the rest of his fireteam where standing on top of. He activated his boosters and called upon the light to give him strength. Arc energy filled his fists and he could feel the power inside of him. He flew into the ground obliterating anything that was near him.
"Very impressive. Don't you agree?" Truth asked Anon.
"Quick job but I've seen better," he responded.
Geyser looked up and them. In all the silence a line rifle shot was heard.
Geyser fell to his knees clutching at his chest. Another shot and Geyser collapsed face first into the ground.
"FIND OUT WHERE THAT SHOT CAME FROM!" yelled Anon as he started sliding down the dune to where Geyser's body was.
Truth quickly located the Hogoblin and shot in it's white stomach. She followed Anon down the dune.
When she reached the bottom she found Anon crouching by Geyser's dying body. One of the Hogoblin shots had Geyser's Ghost so this was the end for him.
"Looks like it finally happened huh Anon?" Geyser asked Anon
"Don't say that you'll make it." Anon replied it sounded like he was on the verge of tears.
"Anon please, there's no getting out of this one." Geyser stated simply.
"What about that time when we met and I was the one got shot by the Vandal?"
"Your Ghost was actually alive," Geyser chuckled at the memories they had shared.
"I'm sure we can repair it." Anon spoke with such a hopeful voice it was heart-breaking to hear.
"Just finish the damn mission. And never forget."
As Geyser's eyes closed Anon began sobbing. He stopped when a hand touched his shoulder.
"Come on." Truth said and she started walking to the outpost.
End of Part Two
[b]I hope you guys enjoyed I wanted to try and develop the character Anon a little bit more. But anyways I will put the link to Chapter one later on and I will catch you later [/b]
https://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/117977865/0/0
Part 3-
https://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/119826127/0/0
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1 ReplyEdited by Onyx076: 5/15/2015 2:22:38 PMGeyser's death and following scene was a little cheesy and cliche. We don't know anything about the character yet, so killing him off doesn't make sense. When killing off characters, you want it to mean something. It just feels like you did it just for a "wow" factor, but the reader doesn't know anything about Geyser in order to care that he's dead. Building character personalities and background takes time, you want your audience to be able to relate to them and feel some type of way towards them (either positive or negative). That way, when you do pull the trigger on a main character, it has the desired effect and the reader is either upset, or happy, depending upon how they feel about the character. Also, I wouldn't mind seeing your action sequences a little longer. I'm going to finish the rest right now and I'll let you know when I'm done.
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1 ReplyNice one Royal
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9 RepliesI see how it is. Just kill me. Sure.
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1 ReplyYou've got a good setting here, but I would extend the action sequences. There are a lot of stories that rely SOLELY on the single moment a super activates and then BOOM; fight over. Add some gunplay and some hand to hand combat. Give us some tension. Make the death scenes either more heart-wrenching or more gory. If you want advice on character development...talk to Onyx. I'm a man of action.
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1 ReplyIf you can add me in there
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1 Reply-claps-
