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originally posted in:The Black Garden
Edited by PK9XDarkOdyssey: 11/17/2014 5:00:35 AM
8

The Scientific Guardian

Just to let everyone know, this is an ongoing story. I am not sure how to put up the rest as I write is, so if you have any suggestions, Let me know. Thanks! Part one of The Scientific Guardian: I remember driving my car… I remember the sudden impact of another car and then… I guess that was it… I was dead. It really didn't take much to kill me. I always tried to stay safe but as all of you guardians know, that even being basically immortal still does not protect you from death…Or from something worse. I was a scientist in the city of Freehold. I was young and naïve. The bravest thing I done before I died, the first time, was asking my girlfriend out. I wish I had more time to spend with her but life had different plans. The most painful thing I've dealt with before that was getting my appendix removed. Even with all the technology at our disposal those days, if you didn't take care of yourself, you still suffered from some health problems. I remember being put under and a second later the surgery was done, as if no time passed. Waking up from death is very similar. When my ghost woke me up I was extremely confused. She told me that I've been dead for a long time, but it sure didn't feel that way. I thought I just recovered from surgery, that the car crash was not a big deal, but boy was I wrong. Everything was destroyed and covered in sand. I was wearing an outfit that I was very unfamiliar with, and a random thing was flying in front of my face telling me the strangest things, like that I've been dead for a long time. To be honest, it was all kind of blurry. My ghost was panicking and I asked what was going on. She started to calm down, seeing that the only thing I was doing was holding my head and looking at my hands as if they were some kind of foreign objects. She said that there was no time, The Cabal was coming. I told her that this was some kind of terrible prank and that I would really like to see my girlfriend. My ghost hovered right in front of me, perfectly still. I started to realize that she was telling the truth. Everything I knew was gone and the only thing I wanted to do was start crying. I was not a Guardian back then, I was just a normal guy who was forced to accept that everything he knew was gone, and he was brought back from the dead. The ghost could tell that I was about to cry. She said the only thing I remember clearly about those first few minutes, "do not cry my guardian, for you must be brave and except what has happened. I don't know how things are supposed to be but I know that you are someone of great importance who is going to do some great things. You may have been a scientist, the knowledge that you hold is invaluable to the last safe city for humanity, but you are now a Guardian. So can you please pull yourself together for me, your ghost and greatest companion…can you please do that for me?" I pulled myself together after that because I was really confused about what a Guardian was supposed to be. She felt pretty stupid for not explaining that to me, but I told her that I liked her speech. She continued, "The Guardian is a special warrior chosen by the traveler to save humanity." I started to laugh at the idea of me being a warrior chosen by the traveler. She tried to shut me up because she was embarrassed that her guardian was laughing at such a notion. We were actually starting to bond until I heard a grunt in the distance. She started to panic and told me to hold still. She dove straight into me and then started speaking from within my head. She told me that those things would kill me if they got the chance, and that they were The Cabal. I looked over and saw all these massive things walking, tiredly but determined, towards me with weapons raised. I started to sprint in the opposite direction. She told me that there was a ship quite far off from here, and that we needed to find a weapon. I replied that I would rather hide than fight. I thought that my survival chances were better that way. I still had a lot to learn. Believe it or not, there was a decent auto rifle that she told me to pick up but I kept on running until I got myself stuck in a corner. Luckily there was a hand cannon close to me the Duke mark something or other, I really don't remember, but I still have it in my backpack. It's one of the rare things they'll never sell because it reminds me of who I am. The cabal was shooting at me and my hands were trembling as I tried to avoid the mini rockets coming out of their slug rifles. My hands and whole body were shaking, ‘now is the time to give up and start crying’ I thought to myself. But somehow, I pulled myself together for a split second and fired a shot towards them. Little did I know that it bounced off of a Phalanx's shield. ‘Now is a good time to give up… At least I had my moment of glory.’ The next shot hit me and sent me flying, but I was okay… Confused but okay. That's when my ghost told me that I had special powers. I quickly replied with something extremely intelligent, "Cool, but I’m still going to die." I was surrounded, but then a shot from a sniper rifle came ringing through the air. A cabal fell dead and more shots came after that. Luckily there weren’t many cabal, but the last cabal was still alive, and charging a few seconds later. She was able to shoot the slug rifle out of his hand and he took some damage, but I thought I was a goner. The thing was right in front of me and by instinct I threw my hand out and, unexpectedly, I saw some kind of wave came out and the cabal disintegrated. I started to yell and cry, enjoying that I survived. And that's when I met her, the woman who would be the love of my life. At the time though, all I saw was a human wearing a cape and hood. I immediately rushed to hug her, almost tackling her, and thanking her so much. She pushed me back a little laughing. She thought I was being a comedian, a guardian afraid for his life, absolutely ridiculous. My ghost came out to prove that this was no joke, I was a person no one thought could be a guardian. I didn't have qualities like courage and bravery. But I did have something, and in the end all I really needed was a kind heart to convince me to overcome my fears. When I did, that was the instant that I became a Guardian. I didn't just wake up being one. I was just Bill, as I introduced myself to my ghost and the Hunter. And her name was Aurora. My kind heart and friendly nature is what my ghost saw in me when she was looking for my body, she told me that before she was gone…before I became what we are. I will tell you more but it is hard for me to even think…I need more…I need more rest…I'll tell you more my story later new Guardians, If you are interested. Maybe you can even help me, you have already been helping me so much, but I can no longer push my luck. Until next time my friend…

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  • Not bad. I have two things I would recommend: 1. One of the most important essentials to a story is substance. And that's applied to all elements of a story: Characters, settings, events, objects, lore (past, present, and future), etc. I'm not saying your piece is necessarily lacking. It's a new endeavor, so i'm not judging your depth. That can only be determined after the story gets so far, but keep in mind that you're here to tell your character or characters' story. People won't be drawn into a puddle, so focus on the account's depth. 2. A more localized note, but not insignificant in the least, unless you're writing a short story that will begin and end with the sole purpose of establishing the foundation of a larger future work, don't give plot events out to the reader before it happens. I'm specifically talking about where you say Bill would end up loving Aurora. By revealing that future event now, you essentially tone the experience down when it actually happens. And even if you were to throw some plot twist in when it happens, it would still have much more impact if you saved the telling of the event when it actually occurs. That's about it though. Keep in mind, i'm just trying to be constructively critical here. Stay at it and write for self satisfaction before reader satisfaction. Not to take anything away from wanting readers to enjoy your story, but too often I think authors write for readers more than themselves. It should be a gratifying experience, so as long as you're enjoying it, don't give up.

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    • I enjoyed it. If you need help, pm me and I'll help shoot some ideas your way

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      • Amazing. Love the story and want more. Keep up the good job

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        • Interesting. Maybe a bit longer? Other than, good.

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          • Finally got part two of the scientific guardian up. In a strange twist of fate, I had to split part two into two parts. Its below as a new topic. I really hope that everything works out. Here's the link: http://www.bungie.net/en/Clan/Post/39972/81538904/0/0 Here are the tags: #Story, #BILL, #fanfiction, #Aurora, #scientific, #cabal, #Destiny

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          • Have you made a second one yet

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            • *slow clap*

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              • Pleas make more

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