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originally posted in:The Black Garden
Edited by SaviorsBlood:
6/12/2015 8:30:33 PM
12
Shachal - Chapter 1: Reinstated
So here is my Destiny story called "Shachal." This is Chapter 1 titled Reinstated. "Shachal's" "ch" is pronounced with a "k" sound. The pronunciation is "shah-kahl". Just a little bit of info for those who are having trouble pronouncing it.
I don't only use first person or third person, but blend both in this story, because the thoughts and dialogue of the other characters are just as important to the story as the main character's. The perspective of the main character is in first person. My reason for doing that is for the purpose of making the main character connectable/relatable to the reader. Third person is used for all other characters. So expect a change in tones as you read.
I divide important sections of the story with the Destiny logo, where a perspective change occurs or the story jumps to a separate time or place. That much will stay consistent so that confusion can be avoided.
Feel free to comment your thoughts on the chapter and predictions if you want. Positive, honest, respectful feedback is greatly appreciated. Enjoy and thanks for reading.
If you prefer Microsoft OneDrive for viewing click [url=https://onedrive.live.com/redir?resid=FF56932EF0AC1B65%21133]here[/url].
[url=http://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/63746321]Shachal Collection[/url]
For more on this story, please join and follow [url=https://www.bungie.net/en/Clan/Detail/1047016]Fireteam Shachal[/url]. Thank you for reading!
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Testing bump.
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2 RepliesSha-kal eh? Are you Russian by chance? Because that is how we pronounce our Russian word for Jackal [шакал].
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1 Reply[b]Announcement: Chapter 1 is revised.[/b]
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1 ReplyI liked this more than most of the fan-fiction stories i've read here. You should keep this up.
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1 ReplyHoly Hell, that was Fantastic.
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20 RepliesEdited by GammaF88: 2/26/2014 10:31:24 PMSorry to sound negative, that's not my intention in the slightest, but I'll just be listing any grammar/syntax errors as I go... Spoilers to anyone who hasn't read it yet. [spoiler]A lot of useful information is presented on this High Council in the first paragraph of the story. I admit it's important for future reference, but it seems like a lot of "telling" without much "presenting". Just save some of the info for a place where it fits better. "After invested research?" After Sideros says "Fireteam Shachal" in the beginning of his dialogue, he doesn't need to keep repeating it since everyone in the room already knows what he's referring to. You can still say it more than once for emphasis, but swap it out for pronouns every once in a while. Nightfall is a singular event. In order to be doing something "during nightfall", it would have to be referring to dusk, not all of the night. "longsuffering"? Someone who had been born during/after the collapse probably wouldn't find it hard to accept their current reality. Perhaps mention someone in the narrator's past who tells him stories of the world "before"? This isn't an error, but I had to mention I really like the part about being alien to our own home. Great descriptive phrase! A sentence says "Because of the Collapse and those...", but then goes on to say humanity doesn't know how it lost its home. His solace is found in the night, so saying he has to wait for another "day" is kind of contradictory.[/spoiler] I'd like to emphasize that I'm not trying to rain on your parade. A lot of these FanFics can be really bad, and I don't bother commenting on those. The only reason I make all of these remarks is because I think you deserve someone to give you honest feedback, and that you can really go somewhere with this. I also apologize if you're offended at all. I have a very critical and detail-oriented attitude, although I don't try to, and it can seem kind of harsh sometimes. I feel it's also necessary to mention that I really liked it.
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I enjoyed that keep going
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1 ReplyGood read. Keep it up!
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1 ReplyLooks like a good read. I'm on mobile, so I'll be sure to give it a read tomorrow and leave some feedback.
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9 RepliesTell me you are going to continue this. I already want to read more.
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14 RepliesGreat, I like it. That's some good stuff you got going there.
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2 RepliesSo it's pronounced "Shackle"? Good story regardless.
