Thought you guys might like a good laugh

Rambo V Atheon here. So good news! Bungie installed a railing around my crib so I stop falling, and man, life is great!! And you remember how I used to teleport the guys who were farthest away from me? You know, because the guys closest are easier for me to kill? Well, apparently Guardians realized that they could have their best players run away from me so they would get teleported and they were making short work of my portal teams... This wouldn't be a problem normally, but apparently the Kamakazi Harpies that I ordered from Amazon can't fly more than 18" off the ground, so these Guardian teams were just sticking their crappiest players on top of those pillars and the Harpies just sit below them and squawk. Anyway, since Guardians can no longer cheese me, its time for us to cheese some Guardians!! I'm looking for a group of lvl 30 Vex to cheese some Guardians on Hard Mode. I have the Guardian checkpoint. You don't need to be any good at killing Guardians; we're going to cheese the Guardians using some known glitches. This should take 1-2 hours. The exact time is unknown, because it depends on how badly the group of Guardians wants a 4th copy of the Legendary Sparrow. But typically, if we cheese/glitch kill them for about 90 minutes, at least one person in their group will start to break, and when that happens, victory is inevitable. Need 6 Vex total, will split into 2 groups: -1 yellow Pretorian and 2 yellow Goblins will stand in Venus portal -3 yellow Hobgoblins will stand in Mars portal Pretorians: no mic required. Really all you need is one hand; you're just going to mash melee. If a Guardian takes your health down with the Relic, we're going to glitch your health back to full. So again, no worries if you aren't good at killing Guardians. You just literally need to mash right bumper until the relic carrier dies. His friends will go blind, they'll die, and that's it! We're done! Rinse and repeat until their spirits are broken and they surrender. Goblins: Your job is just to die while the health-regenerating Pretorian melee kills the Relic carrier. Literally just stand there and get shot. In fact, I might not even need players for these roles. I might just connect spare controllers and sign them into Live. Hobgoblins: You guys are kind of outnumbered, so I'm going to use some glitches on Guardians to help you out. For example, if I teleport them to Mars (where you 3 will be standing), I'll try my best to only teleport 2 Guardians. They will have to focus on the Oracles, and then you guys can just snipe them to death. I'll also grant invincibility to the Oracles while the little buggars glitch kill all guardians. Also, I will occasionally send the "detain" cage around Guardians who were teleported, so they'll have to shoot their way out of the detain cage AND kill the Oracles. You'll make short work of them when I can pull off this glitch. Now obviously, some guardians are resilient and they may defeat you and leave with the Relic, in which case, I will be extremely vulnerable. So just in case that happens, I'm going to have to cheese the Guardians myself. And fortunately, I have a few tricks up my sleeve: 1) Portal Malfunction: One of my favorite strategies for cheesing Guardians is to shut down the portal system. They think the Portal is open, but they will actually walk right through it and they won't leave Mars or Venus! Its extremely disorienting for a Guardian, and its hilarious to watch! 2) Relic Shield malfunction: Guardians like to wuss out and all camp the center platform (where those worthless imported Kamakazi Harpies can't fly). They throw up their "Relic Bubble" and my guns can't penetrate the bubble. Or so they think. I have gotten very good at glitching the bubble shield so that my shots go right through them! I usually wait until my health is real low before activating this glitch, because when that happens, it REALLY breaks their spirits. And then hilarity ensues... 3) Zoo Attack: If all else fails, and these Guardians manage to fight their way through all our cheese attempts, I may have to resort to an all-out Zoo attack. I have an entire army of Monkeys, Giraffes, Camels, Centipedes, Zebras, Chimpanzees, Leopards, Turtles, Anteaters, Bees, and Lions. They can knock a Guardian out of combat for 10 minutes easy. If somehow still they manage to beat me, no worries. I've got warehouses full of Legendary Sparrows and Ascendant Energies. You know the ball-pit at Chuck-E-Cheese? multiply that my 1,000; that's how many Ascendant Energies I have just layout around. If they win, I'll throw some glowy balls and sparrows at them. Oh, and maybe a Chatterwhite Shader. Update Dec. 1: Rambo Atheon here! My buddy Terminator Templar just got his crib remodeled, and he is loving drinking the tears of the guardians. He got himself some invisible bumpers as well as a better flotation device implanted on him so he won't fall off his cliff, he's very self conscious about his weight. He used to come crying to me when he fell and now that's no longer an issue! I also struck a deal with Xûr to force guardians to have to purchase a gold node for their exotic gear to upgrade them. I can hear the guardians now complaining more and more about my deal. Their tears are so sweet! The bad news, as unfortunate as it is, is that Bungie is shipping more exotic and raid gear to my neighborhood, so guardians will be getting more of a variety of loot from defeating me and my family and friends. Not cool Bungie!