[i]Disclaimer[/i]: I didn’t write this. Dave Kosak did, in 2003. I did some minor editing to adapt it for Destiny. — I'm past that point where I can dedicate my life to a single game. I'm a very important businessman who does very important business with very important people at very important social engagements, such as watching softcore anime with the dudes in the apartment across from mine. But, I still want to keep playing. And I want to WIN. I know, I know, the hardcore among you are saying, "But Fargo, you can't 'win' an online RPG. That defeats the purpose." To which I respond: I LIVE to defeat purposes. And besides, like it or not, people do try to "win" massively multiplayer RPGs. The rules of engagement are something like this: - If there is a status bar, make it grow bigger - If there is a number, make it higher - If it moves, either get a mission from it or kill it Which got me to thinking: What if I were to unload the boring parts of an MMO RPGs off to someone else? It's hard to find the time or the patience to work on my combat skillz or level gear. What if someone ELSE played that part of the game for me? [b]Introducing the Autocamp 2000[/b] So I turned my attention toward robots! Longtime readers may remember when I subtly and successfully used a robot to write my column while I camped in a mall waiting for Diablo III to come out. A similar process could easily play online games for me. After all, I minored in computer science at a prestigious Liberal Arts institution. The hardest part of any project such as this is figuring out the algorithm, but here it is, in its entirety: The Autocamp 2000 Plays Online RPGs with the following rules: - Join any fireteam that invites you - When in a fireteam, follow behind the leader - Attack any monster you see - Whenever you see or hear the word ‘Exotic', scream “Oh yeah!!” and dance. Well, that takes care of 90% of online play. All I would need to do is stick my character -- Farglik -- in the tower with the gear that needs leveling. When I checked on him a week later he'd be 32 all maxed out. But before I got started I had to tackle the tricky part: interaction with other players. If my automated Farglik didn't respond to players who talked to him in a meaningful way, the proverbial jig would be up. One option was to have my robot randomly bark at people in Mandarin Chinese. But I opted for a much more graceful algorithm: [i]The Autocamp 2000 talks to other players with following rules: [/i] 1. If someone says something ending in a question mark, respond by saying "Dude?" 2. If someone says something ending in an exclamation point, respond by saying "Dude!" 3. If someone says something ending with a period, respond by randomly saying one of three things: "Okie," "Sure," or "Right on." 4. EXCEPTION: If someone says something directly to you by mentioning your name, respond by saying "Lag.” 5. If someone punches you, punch back. My robot was programmed and ready to go. Hell, if I programmed it to randomly shout “Another shard??" it would probably pass the turing test. Satisfied, I sat it in front of the keyboard, made sure my character had enough synths, and then trudged off to leave it alone for the night. My character, Farglik, waited around in the Tower for some adventurers. The following is a log of what transpired: KillSwitch: [Message] Hey wanna join VOG? Farglik: [Powered by the Autocamp 2000] Dude? [KillSwitch invites Farglik to join the fireteam.] [Farglik joins the fireteam] KillSwitch: We're gonna do the Templar. Farglik: Right on. [The group of players engage the enemy, Farglik following close behind] KillSwitch: Why is your gear not leveled? Farglik: Dude? KillSwitch: You just got that Juju, you’re going to use that? … you know this is pretty hard? Farglik: Dude? Troobacca: Man I hope I got an exotic this time, nothing has dropped for me in weeks. Farglik: *screams* Oh yeah!!! [Farglik dances with Troobacca] Troobacca: ...what's wrong with him? Farglik: Dude? [Troobacca punches Farglik] [Farglik punches Troobacca] [Punching goes on for two full minutes] KillSwitch: Knock it off guys, let’s get this started. Farglik: Right on. [The group got a couple of close calls, but they gang up and kill the Templar.] KillSwitch: We rock! Farglik: Dude! Troobacca: We so OWNED them! Farglik: Dude! KillSwitch: All right, hang on, here comes the labyrinth. Up ahead the Gorgons. Farglik: Okie. [Farglik shoots a Gorgon] [Everybody dies.] KillSwitch: You IDIOT! Farglik why did you shoot the Gorgon? Farglik: Lag. KillSwitch: Well don't do it again. Farglik: Sure. [Farglik shoots a Gorgon] [Everybody dies.] [Farglik is kicked from fireteam.] [ ... Farglik stands there, alone, for several minutes ... ] [A small fireteam led by Krushmor comes over the ridge and spots Farglik.] Krushmor: Farglik, what's up? What are you doing way out here? Farglik: Lag. Krushmor: Well we’re doing Atheon. You should join us. Farglik: Okie. [Krushmor invites Farglik to join the fireteam.] [Farglik joins the group and starts following Krushmor around.] Soop: [The party's titan]. Remember, Farglik, my bubble in the middle. I’ll countdown when done. Farglik: Lag. Soop: I know, it's pretty bad tonight. Farglik: Right on. [The party enters the vault spends the next few minutes brutally clearing it of creatures, they defeat Atheon, everybody get good loot] Krushmor: Aw man, it's getting really late guys. I should go! Farglik: Dude! Krushmor: I know, sucks. I'll catch you all later. Farglik: Sure. [Krushmor logs off. By default, Farglik is now promoted to group leader!] Soop: Well that sucks. What should we do next? Farglik: Dude? Soop: Let's do Crota! Farglik: Dude! Soop: I can handle the sword. Let’s go. Farglik: Right on. [Farglik, because he is now group leader, just stands there. Several minutes pass.] Soop: Farglik uhm… let’s move? You’re the leader, let’s go to orbit and Crota? Farglik: Lag. Soop: Well hurry up. Farglik: Okie. [Farglik stands motionless eventually the group disbands. Two hours pass.] [Suddenly, one of the game developers enters the Vault.] Deej: Well, my young guardian, we've been watching your progress for quite some time. Farglik: Sure. Deej: You have done well. We have decided to bestow upon you: Light power of level 50. Farglik: Okie. Deej: You will be the most powerful guardian in the universe! Farglik: Dude! [Deej gives Farglik light power.] Deej: Would you like my Gjallarhorn XXX? Farglik: Dude? Deej: My Gjallarhorn XXX. It has infinite ammo. I bestow it onto you. Farglik: Right on. [Farglik stands motionless.] Deej: Well? Aren't you going to try out your new light power? The Gjallarhorn XXX? Farglik: Dude? Deej: The weapon I just gave you! Farglik: Dude! Deej: The Gjallarhorn, Farglik! Farglik: Lag. Deej: Okay, you know what. Just forget the light power. I'm taking it back. Farglik: Okie. Deej: And give me back my Gjallarhorn. Farglik: Sure. Deej: And no more exotic for you for a while. Farglik: *screams* Oh yeah!!! [Farglik dances with Deej.] [Deej kills Farglik, sends him to the tower] KillSwitch: Whoa! Look who just popped in. What happened to you, Farglik? Farglik: Lag. KillSwitch: We’re doing Nightfall. Farglik: Okie. [Farglik and the Autocamp 2000 join the hunt and gain experience for several more hours...] I'd call the experiment an unqualified success.