Canadian version
Pardon me, did you just say something to me eh? I'll have you know I graduated at the top of my class in the Canadian Politeness Force, and I've been involved in numerous secret runs to Tim Hortons, and I have over 300 confirmed friends. I am trained in welcoming warfare and am the most passive aggressive member of the entire canadian population. You are a person that I have yet to make friends with. I will talk to you with kindness the likes of which have never been seen before on this earth, mark my passiveness. You think you can get away with not saying thank you? Think again, neighbour. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of syrup drinking penguins across the northern territories and your IP is being traced so you better prepare for the gift baskets, buddy. The gift baskets that not only contain Gift cards, but donuts from tim hortons too. You're gonna be befriended, guy. I can be nice anywhere, anytime, and can be nice to you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just if I write letters. Not only am i extensively trained in passive aggressive combat, but I have access to the entire moose army of the Canadian Maple Leaf Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to welcome your friendly ass right into the neighbourhood. You little neighbourino. If you had only known what friendly retribution your comment was about to bring down, maybe you would have eaten poutine with me. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're gonna let me pay the bill because that's how nice I am, guy. I will put you in the hospital and it will cost nothing cause our healthcare is free. I'll say sorry now, friendo.
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What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bully? I’ll have you know I lasted 16 years in Canada, and I’ve been involved in numerous raids on my own body, and I have over 300 ML of bleach drank. I am trained in self harm and I’m the top Clorox chugger in BC, Canada. I will wipe myself the fuck out with chugging the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am knotting my 2 meters long of rope across my neck and your feels are being hurt right now so you better prepare for the suicide, bully. The suicide that wipes out the pathetic little thing I call my life. You’re fucking done kid. I can die anywhere, anytime, and I can kill myself in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with Clorox and rope, you fucked up bully, I will shit sadness on you and you will drown in it, I’m fucking done kiddo.