How stupid are the Vex? What the heck is their deal exactly and why did they name themselves a word synonymous with confusion? The Fallen have low self esteem names like Dreg, Vandal, and Douche bags but the Vex are all about confusion. That’s why they name their units based on three separate cultures none of which have really any relation to what they look like. If someone were bored enough that would make a good list….(looks around, sighs) Ok, let’s do that now! [b]Goblins[/b] - An english name for short little mutant dwarfs that basically cause trouble not birdsong-meets-dubstep sounding monster robots with laser pistols. [b]Hobgoblin[/b] - Ok, if wikipedia can be trusted these are friendly little goblins. Puck, from A Midsummer’s Night Dream, was a hobgoblin. They are just small hairy, dirty little men - think Danny Devito with fangs and magic farts or something. [b]Minotaur[/b] - Yeah ok, I’m confused. That is Greek and it’s a virgin eating cow with a man’s body but bovine head. What does that have to do with the dome-headed frankenstein that populates the game? Oh wait, is my Guardian a virgin? That might make sense... [b]Pretorians[/b] - This one is Roman and I didn’t need Wikipedia to know what it meant. Aside from meaning the elite Roman guards it means “venal or corruptible”. So basically they’re called assholes. That is the one name that I like best of all because after the 10th time I got killed by the same one that’s what I was calling them anyway. If they are so pretorian (corruptible) why can’t I just pay them to leave me alone? These names seem to come from an ancient literature random name generator. What the hell? Why do they sound like birds when you kill them? What is that white stuff that comes out of them when they explode? Because It looks like bird shit. Am I to believe that in the future the greatest threat to humanity, and the galaxy at large, is highly evolved, Borged-out, time traveling pidgins who die instantly when you double tap their colostomy bag!? If you think about that too much it can make you angry. Those ungrateful little shits! I fed you at the park and this is how your children repay me!! No, wait, not pidgins! Chickens! They run around frantic when their head is removed like chickens. Is this payback for KFC! Speaking of KFC, I’m hungry. I’ll be right back. Ok, I’m back. So I've been informed that there are millions of these cyborg chickens sharing one mind? I'm getting kind of tired of that crap in science fiction. It sounds more like a mental illness than a real advantage. In reality it wouldn't make them smarter or it more focused and dangerous. They'd be like my 8 year old ADHD nephew in Toys R Us after a 6 pack of cocaine laced Monster energy drink. While it's hard to describe how he was acting (the court documents are currently sealed so I can't address specifics) I can promise you he wasn't much of a threat to other people but he was able to hold my car up when I needed to change the tire. What is with this time traveling non-sense? If a highly technological civilization could travel at will through time (and I’m not talking about the involuntary forward direction) it would be impossible to fight them. How is it with that kind of power their single tactic in combat is to walk slowly in straight line at you firing to the right and left of your head, while occasionally teleporting in little three foot bursts? When Dinklebot told me they could teleport I got kind of nervous but when I saw it was only arms length teleportation I just felt let down. Really?! What’s the point? Are the Vex too good to just take that extra step? Why don’t they run? Chickens can run! They’re really fast too. When did these borged-out, cyber chickens bail on running as technologically and biologically inferior? What was the argument there? The Vex shouldn’t even be shooting at me anyway. They are time travelers. They should be shooting my guardian's pregnant mother before she can give birth to my character. Pregnant women don’t generally run away all that quick and fetuses don’t shoot back so this tactic becomes very cost effective if you think about it. Better yet why not just kill the first mammals before they finish evolving (curb stomp that proto-skunk) or beat the crap out of the guy that invented fried chicken? Seriously, there has to be a better use of their powers. The point here is time travel is the ultimate power once you have it you win everything, resistance is futile. Side note: So I was just playing a vex strike mission with a friend (while eating my KFC) and I’m getting kind of freaked out because he started pointing out how there doesn’t seem to be anywhere near the right number of vex for a lvl 22 strike mission. This worries me because if I keep eating KFC I may never be able to kill enough Vex to get my random exotic drop. [b]Note[/b]: if you are too dumb to catch that this is a joke and decide you need to unleash your nerd rage on me I'm just going to laugh at you. [b]Edit[/b]: If I did a blog of game critiques and humor would you read it and/or contribute? [b]Final note[/b]: Ok, people have been asking me for an audio version of this. I'm going to propose this instead. Anyone who reads this and really likes it pay me back by recording yourself or someone else reading the whole thing or a part of it. Post your link in this thread so we can all appreciate your work. [b]Hear the official audio version of [i]Just How Stupid are the Fallen?[/i] here http://www.halcyoncollective.com/audio/Just-How-Stupid-are-the-Fallen.aiff [/b] [b]TSCIGAR[/b] provided this amazing [url=https://www.evernote.com/shard/s263/sh/6621c114-7e0f-43a6-9a21-e8bcf068e16c/6ce3299adeed8b27896dfff938fb69cdt]audio interpretation [/url] of the Vex essay as an AMR in Evernote. [b]crapshot120[/b] was nice enough to do two readings for us the [url=http://youtu.be/SuW6IXd6NRs]Cabal[/url] and the [url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l2nXgFNEzeU&feature=youtu.be]Vanguard[/url] Here are the links to my other posts in this series celebrating Destiny: [url=http://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/73500195/0/0]Just how stupid are the Cabal?[/url] [url=http://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/72378627/0/0]Just how stupid are the Fallen?[/url] [url=http://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/74054287/0/0]Just how stupid are the Vanguard?[/url] [url=http://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/74602574/0/0]Just how stupid are the Hive?[/url]