Lawn gnomes gather up all the local spatulas in the area. They attach these to the ceiling fans. Than they start chanting bloody mary. At which point mary grants a baby.

The alternate story is that those Spatulas spin at such a velocity that it creates a dimensional rift, bringing back your younger self from an alternate timeline. That younger version of you is then raised by you, and your alternate dimensional parents mourn for the loss of the younger you while you mourn ever wishing you had you. At that point, the gnomes then offer you a way out, gather spatulas, and repeat the process on another unwitting you. Basically, you adopt you and even you don't want you, so you give you to you.

Mind. Blown.