Prepare your bodies. This is gonna be long. On the eve of a quiet night browsing #OffTopic, Stosh came across an oddity. He stopped scrolling, stared at what was surely the profile picture and name of John Cena. [i]No. It can't be. I thought we had exterminated them in the last carpet ban![/i] But no. There it was, the fiery red icon and blaring capital words drilling into Stosh's very soul. Quickly, he called DeeJ for confirmation. >DeeJ, this is serious. >What is it? DeeJ typed quickly, with a growing sense of dread. >JOHN CENA. He's back. Permission to ban? >Stosh, you don't even have to ask permission from me. WTF is up with you? >Just wanted to be sure. <END CHAT> Stosh produced his mighty banhammer and held it high above his head. He stopped for a moment. Something didn't feel... exactly [i]right.[/i] But it didn't matter. With a huge CRASH, stosh smashed the wondrous weapon down upon the IP of the troll. Sparks flew everywhere, accompanied by a deafening screech. A cloud of dark dust expanded rapidly, hitting stosh with what felt like real force. Stosh coughed at the smell of horse semen emanating from the banhammer's site of impact. He tentatively placed his hand upon the handle of the huge weapon and pulled. It didn't budge. He pulled again, slightly harder. Still nothing. He pulled a third time, and the banhammer ripped free of whatever had been holding it. Where the banhammer had crashed was a dark, oily hole the size of what must have been JOHN CENA's penis. A scream emanated from deep within. Stosh edged towards the abyss, slowly but surely. He reached the edge and stared down into what seemed to be the floating words of thousands of past trolling attempts. A stream of hyperlinks suddenly flowed out of the pit, wrapping itself around Stosh. He gasped in horror as images of horse-on-human porn materialized around him, accompanied by dark laughter emanating from the pit. "You really think you could stop me, puny Stosh? I will wipe you the -blam!- out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my -blam!-ing words." JOHN CENA himself slowly rose from the hole, dripping the unholy texts of copypastas and Porch Day threads. Without another word, Stosh was crushed in an explosion of blood by the images circling around him, leaving behind a mangled, crushed pile of guts and tatters of skin. Laughing, JOHN CENA stepped out onto the netcode of Bungie.net. The unlucky newfag JAMES Z666 had, just in that millisecond, been moving to a new thread, entitled Poll: how old r u by Necromantik Robot. JAMES stared in horror at JOHN CENA's dripping body of text. From the hole behind him rose Camnator and Verbatim, who promptly began to spout hate speech. JAMES began to argue, but he could feel his body begin to weaken. He could feel his wits fading, but just as he began to rage, Skyrim Guard entered the scene after a lengthy 2-minute loading screen froze the battle. "By the Order of the Jarl, stop right there!" Camnator and Verb stopped their assault and turned to face the newcomer. Being an alt, Skyrim Guard could take cruel amounts of punishment and withstand the meanest of Internet arguments, but couldn't attack very well. JAMES' body began to regain power, but Skyrim Guard was weakening, slowly but surely. The former adventurer turned and looked sadly at the newfag. "Sovngarde awaits, traveler. Escape this place. Find the others. Warn them." JAMES began to run furiously, adding people to his PM as quickly as possible. Skyrim Guard and his adversaries faded into the distance, but JAMES heard the scream of the dying guard before his internet loaded another page fast enough. Finally, after minutes of clicking, JAMES clicked "send". Within minutes, hundreds of users and alts came to his side, preparing to fight the growing menace. However, JOHN CENA's power was growing. To give the Allied Bnet Force enough time to coordinate, Old Papa Rich led a strike team to hold back JOHN CENA's alt-creation abilities before he overwhelmed the site, causing massive lag. Upon the group's arrival at the thread, they discovered that JOH CENA had made over 15 alts, and FOX NEWS had joined Camnator and Verbatim to hold them off while CENA accumulated power. With a wild scream, Durable Sausage launched himself at the three, followed closely by nofatchicks and ifarted69. FOX NEWS began to spam propagandist conservative hate speech, and nofatchicks' IP began to disintegrate. His titular yell faded into oblivion, but gave Sausage and ifarted69 time to attack. They viciously added words to their posts, ifarted69 spamming counter-trollbait and Sausage posting quality threads. Camnator began to squirm, but FOX NEWS threw himself into the crossfire, sacrificing himself to allow Camnator's weed-smoking booty thread attack to continue. FOX NEWS began to die as the goodness and quality hit him harder and harder. In a blinding flash, he imploded, but not before vaporizing ifarted69 and hitting Sausage with a fatal dose of troll-radiation. As Sausage's durability levels began to fade as the rageiation took hold and festered he muttered his last words to the Floof: "Good night, everyone. But before I leave, will you tell me a bedtime story?" Old Papa Rich looked down at Sausage with tears flowing down his cheeks. "Good night, Sausage. I never knew mere members could wield such courage and honor." Sausage began to lose coherence, expending his ability to post quality threads. He faded away. Old Papa Rich escaped back to the Floof, crying tears of ninja sadness. "Their sacrifices will not be in vain", muttered Vien, the de facto leader of the Floof. Old Papa Rich's tears began to dry and he steeled himself for the oncoming trolls. Vien's plan was set in motion. Multiple strike teams led by WinyPit, Alpha Zero, and The Tempun (and all the others) flanked to the side of the JOHN CENA army, spamming Internet jokes and memes to keep the trolls distracted. WinyPit began to post harder and harder, formulating longer and more elegant responses as the trolls attacked in force. Alpha Zero's dog gif began to flash harder and harder, giving scores of the trolls epilepsy. The Tempun's inspirational pictures of himself, accompanied by adaptations of popular memes and copypastas, slew waves and waves of the creatures. Meanwhile, Vien himself led a main charge directly at the lines of trolls. He and Maluki spammed every piece of Sangheili anatomy they could find, the images slicing through the alts like a butchers knife through butter. Jive Turkey emerged from the mass of alts. He began to brag about his physical fitness, combating the images of sexually posed aliens and dragons. Vien and Maluki were pushed back, their powers exhausted for the moment, but a task force of intellectuals led by Gentleman Marx surged forward to take their place. Gruntzilla began to argue for the liberal cause, while Greekian posted extremely controversial threads, buffing his team-mates and encouraging their healthy debate. Hargbeast and Zizou began to fight, cutting though and smashing rows upon rows of the infernal beasts. Jive Turkey was defeated and went down with a humungous crash, but the master debaters pressed forward. Solonoid joined forces with Imperial Admiral and together they became a fiery phoenix, destroying whatever was in their path with blasts of fire. RC5908 began to point out all of the flaws in his opponents' arguments, hamstringing legions of Camnator alts in a single blow. The intrepid bunch began to fall back, however, feeling the weight of the numbers of enemies. They had pushed too far. However, Gentleman Marx revealed his trump card. With a flash and an entire thread dedicated to it, he transformed into his ultimate form: Oldfag Sparkles. His transformation granted him the incredible power of Communism and he began to assimilate the alts into legions of workers. With a deafening roar, the evil pit's size increased and spewed forth Chakas, who immediately began to post as much fairy porn as possible. Realizing that they were not the ones to deal with this situation, the team fell back, to be replaced by a legion of anti-troll specialists led by Charlie. Lukeanatr, who had been converted to the good side for once, began to fight his evil double, who kept posting nonsense threads. His counter-threads filled up the main page of Bungie.net, forcing the others to continue their battle on the second page. Charlie himself rained down righteous fire on Verbatim, and the two forces met in glorious combat. A huge explosion sent a shockwave rippling through the battlefield. Lukenatr had sacrificed himself to stop the terrible shitpost threads. Chakas and Verbatim teamed up to destroy Charlie once and for all, but at the last moment El Burninator jumped in and pulled Charlie to safety. Gojira fell from space and squished Chakas into a bloody pulp, but Verbatim managed to escape and lick his wounds in his emo darkroom.