Today, children, we will be learning how to defend ourselves against sharks. The shark, as you know, is a large predatory fish type-thing. Their primary food is people, which puts most of you on the menu. As you can imagine, being eaten by a shark isn't a whole lot of fun, so today I shall tell you how to avoid such a fate, in four simple steps. Now, the best defence against anything is prevention, so we'll start with... [b]Step One: Avoid Water![/b] You've probably seen water before - it's that wet stuff commonly found in duck ponds and at the beach. But perhaps you didn't know this... water is the natural habitat of sharks! In fact, water is positively swimming with sharks! Did you know that for every 100 litres of water, there are two-thirds of a shark? So if your bathtub is filled to the brim with 150 litres, there could be a shark lurking in its depths! You may wish to start bathing in a diving cage for safety, and you can forget swimming. It's just too dangerous. Sometimes, though, staying out of the water isn't enough, which leads us to... [b]Step Two: Be Vigilant![/b] As you know, water is pretty much everywhere. At the park, at the shops, even at school! But you should be safe from sharks as long as you stay out of the water, right? Wrong! The common shark can jump up to thirty metres out of the water to snap up unsuspecting prey! For reference, that's the length of two school buses end to end, one blue whale from tail to nose, or fifteen Ringwraiths lying head to toe! That's right, you could be standing at the end of a line of fifteen sleeping Ringwraiths, and a shark could jump straight out of a paddling pool at the other end and snap you right up! This is why you need to be vigilant at all times. Whenever you find yourself in close proximity to water, always be ready to jump out of the way of a leaping shark. You may wish to invest in a heavy-duty umbrella to protect against low-flying sharks, and you can forget sunbathing the beach! Sometimes, though, even the best prevention plans can fail against the shark menace, bringing us to... [b]Step Three: Mirror Up![/b] Now, for those of you unfamiliar with shark physiology, this third step may seem a tad confusing. "'Mirror up'?" you ask, scratching your little heads in bemusement, "whatever for?" Well, listen up, and I shall tell. Sharks, you see, didn't reach the top of the food chain merely with their sharp teeth and mind-boggling jumping skills. No, they got there with their most terrifying weapon: eye-beams. That's right, the common shark, when threatened, or, you know, whenever it feels like it, can fire two powerful lasers from its eyes to instantly cook whoever its deadly gaze falls upon! Scientists have yet to discover the secret behind these terrifying natural weapons, because the only time we've ever been able to kill a shark was when a plane carrying a nuclear bomb crashed into the ocean and exploded, and even then there were some who insisted the shark died from spontaneous combustion. What we do know, however, is that we can deflect these deadly lasers with mirrors. This is why you should always carry a mirror around just in case a shark fancies you for dinner. You may even wish to wear a mirror suit for maximum protection. However, sometimes mirrors and umbrellas just aren't enough, which brings us to... [b]Step Four: Plan Ahead![/b] Let's face it, with shark attack being the leading cause of death at a terrifying rate of 63% (followed by rogue unicorn attack at 17%), you're pretty likely to be killed by a shark, no matter how careful you are. All you can really do is make sure your affairs are in order before you die. After all, your family have enough to worry about, what with the sharks and everything. Do you really want to add funeral planning and debts to their worries? Be sure to write out a will in the event of your horrible death. Consider planning and paying for your funeral ahead of time. And most of all, ensure your family are emotionally prepared for your brutal passing. And remember, although life with sharks may be terrible, at least they can't fly. Yet. ... Now, before we go, just a quick recap on what we learned today: [b]Step One: Avoid Water![/b] Like the plague (if the plague had sharks)! [b]Step Two: Be Vigilant![/b] Even when you're on the loo (because that's when they'll strike). [b]Step Three: Mirror Up![/b] You'll look ridiculous, but at least you'll be safe (somewhat). [b]Step Four: Plan Ahead![/b] Because face it, you're going to die anyway (sorry). That's all for today, class, but before we leave, you've probably been wondering why there was a picture of a polar bear at the beginning. I can tell you that there is a very good reason for that. Well, goodbye!