3/10/2022 Hello and welcome to the very first issue of the News of Offtopic! All the latest and most important international headlines delivered direct to your local branch of Offtopic, every week! So what’s been happening in the world this week? [u][b]Massive NASA Leak Reveals The Moon Is Secretly Ruled By Giant Ants[/b][/u] Tugbry Uquburt, renowned astronomer and all-round space boffin, revealed in an exclusive interview the other day whilst blind drunk in an alley, that the reason NASA stopped sending people to the moon is that an indigenous colony of giant ants kept trying to kill the astronauts. NASA has neither confirmed nor denied this shocking revelation, however they did deliver this telling tweet to the confusion of many: “Ants are scum”. [u][b]Texan Woman Accidentally Eats Own Child During All-You-Can-Eat Contest [/b][/u] Catherine Hickup, 43, has the stage name of The Texan Titan in the national all-you-can-eat circuit. However she has now been branded [i]Cannibal Cathy[/i] after a freak accident whereby during a particularly heated contest on Saturday, she mistook her 8 year old son (who was standing by cheering her on) for a cooked ham. The contest organisers commented that although it was a regrettable incident it was “more common that people realise”. And finally: [u][b]Steve Jobs Found Alive In Spanish Drug Den[/b][/u] Gandalf the White’s nerdy brother Steve was recently photographed taking cocaine in a Spanish drug den. On being asked by reporters why everybody thought he’d died, he responded that he did die, but had found a way to cheat death which he’d packaged into a product called ‘the iCoffin’ and was simply testing it out. On being brought back to life he felt an odd craving for cocaine and decided to become a drug mule. Apple’s official line on the existence of the iCoffin is that they cannot comment on matters currently being investigated by the FBI. That’s all for now folks, and as always:[i] the more you no, the more you know![/i]