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Edited by celacovsci:
12/21/2020 9:12:22 PM
3
Blossom: Chapter 2
[b]Chapter 2: Imprisonment[/b]
[i]The creature escorted Nova down into the pit, to a throne room. Two guards emerged, followed by the presumed King. He sat on the throne and stared at Nova.
"Speak." The King said.
Nova didn't say anything.
"Speak now or else." The King said, flustered.
"What do you want me to say? I retaliated after your agent slaughtered my scouting team? I defended myself while being attacked? Is that what you wanted to hear?" Nova said.
"Do not raise your voice at me, pitiful creature. You do not understand the origin of the war, and you never will. I was hoping for peace, but your fury clouded your judgement. Guards, take her away." The King declared.
The guards took her to cell block A, where the most dangerous prisoners were kept. The other prisoners recognized her, they were surprised that the Beast-Queen did not put up a fight. It happened to be lunch time, so she sat down at a table with the other prisoners. One of them was an ex-guard, and Nova asked for advice to escape.
"You see, the best way to get out of here is lay low. Don't cause trouble, make them feel safe." The ex-guard said.
"Any advice on resisting snapping the guards' necks?" Nova inquired.
"Sleep helps, the beds here are actually pretty comfy. The King wants to create a sense of homeliness to make his victims easier to extract information out of." The ex-guard said.
Nova thanked the guard, and went to her cell. She didn't bother with the food, as she wasn't hungry. She layed down, and drifted off into a deep sleep. She slept for 12 days, exhausted from the war. One of the prisoners woke her up.
"Now's our chance, the guards were called for a meeting. We can get out of here." The prisoner whispered.
Nova followed him into a vent. It was a tight squeeze but she could make it. The pair found themselves at an airlock.
"Why is there an airlock underground? Seems pointless, or a trap." Nova said.
"This leads to the gas chambers, the prisoners are executed once the King has info from them." The prisoner said.
They opened the airlock, and started walking through the gas chamber. Pressure sensors set off the gas valves, and the room started filling up.
"We need to get out of here, NOW!" Nova yelled.
They ran to the other side, with another airlock. They barely made it in before the gas could affect them. They went down a long hallway, only to be confronted by a guard. The guard drew his rifle and started firing. A bullet caught Nova in the shoulder, and she fell to the ground. The other prisoner choked the guard, and started dragging Nova's limp body to the end of the hallway. Nova recovered, and got up. She glanced at the wall, it seemed off. She tried to touch it, but her hand went through to the other side. They walked through and found a set of stairs. They walked up the stairs, to find the main annex where Nova was dragged into. They climbed up, and escaped. The cold, dry air was refreshing, she hadn't heard the bellows of the wind for days. They went their separate ways, and Nova started trekking back to her camp.[/i]
[spoiler]Feedback would be nice, need to figure out how to improve my "writing".[/spoiler]
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1 ReplyEdited by Sylver: 12/22/2020 12:37:36 AMFirst and foremost, you’ve the common habit of implanting a comma wherever you hear a pause in your head. Proper writing etiquette would be to omit and leave the pause to the reader. If you wish to intentionally implement a pause I recommend using an em dash (—, most mobile devices will convert two dashes into an em dash). Secondly, try not to divide independent clauses (or essentially what can be standalone sentences) with commas. Use semicolons or—in more niche circumstances—em dashes if you want to use just punctuation or simply add a conjunction otherwise. To break up the monotony and simplicity of dialogue, try implementing descriptions of action. For instance, you used “[Y]our fury clouded your judgement. Guards, take her away.” The space between these sentences feels a little rushed through, so I’d add something like “‘Your fury clouded your judgement.’ The King leaned back in his throne and waved a hand in dismissal. ‘Guards, take her away.’” “She didn’t bother with the food, and she wasn’t hungry.” Since you can extend this comparison a little you should probably do so. Something like “She didn’t bother with the food; she wasn’t hungry anyway.” “She slept for 12 days [. . .]” First, I’d recommend fully typing the word for any number below 21. I personally prefer to type out all numbers when in dialogue. Second, this is a pretty unusual event so you should at least expound upon it a little. “The pair found themselves at an airlock.” Try to mentally follow the chronology of events so as not to have any skips. You never mentioned that they arrived at an airlock, only that they found themselves in one immediately after entering the vent. “They ran to the other side, with another airlock.” I’m pretty sure the airlock wasn’t running with them, so you might want to use another preposition. “[. . .]walked up the stairs, to find the main[. . .]” No comma before an infinitive. “They climbed up, and escaped.” Don’t separate a dependent clause with a comma. If you ever have trouble differentiating, an independent clause can stand alone as a sentence (“He did this, and he did that”) and a dependent clause cannot (“He did this and did that.”) Gonna stop here ‘cause I don’t want to be [i]too[/i] nit-picky. Overall cool story, though.
