Good job. Story-wise it’s all good, so I don’t have any feedback for you there. Finding Shin, Korav, and the other Hunters is interesting. On to the grammar. I’m gonna break down my corrections to one thing at a time so that I can properly explain my corrections. Pay attention to the grammar lessons I give because knowing them in the future will prevent you from making the same mistakes. [quote]The assault on the City left me broken, torn. That night we flew away from the City.[/quote]Here, saying “the City” twice in consecutive sentences seems a little too repetitive. Repetition is a double-edged sword in writing, and can be very good or very bad. So I suggest you change the first sentence to this: “The Red Legion’s assault left me broken.” [quote]The Eclipse slowed down, the radar blinked, we were being followed.[/quote]The Eclipse slowing and the radar blinking are both results of them being followed. So being followed cannot be listed with the other things. You need to separate them. This is a simple fix, because you just need to split it into two sentences: “The Eclipse slowed down and the radar blinked. We were being followed.” [quote]Then they opened fire, the ship crashed into the snow-filled mountain range with a deafening roar.[/quote]First: It’s not very good to say mountains are “filled” with snow. It is much better to say they are “covered” with snow. It makes much more sense. Second: These are two separate sentences that should be separated by a period, not a comma. If you want this to be one sentence, then you need to add a “F.A.N.B.O.Y.S.” (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so) after the comma for the transition. A FANBOYS is very often needed to connect two sentence clauses. Sentence clauses are parts of sentences that can be “independent” (a complete sentence all by itself) or “dependent” (an incomplete sentence that can’t stand alone). So there are two ways you could write this: “Then they opened fire. The ship crashed into the snow-covered mountain range with a deafening roar.” [i](This is the best way, in my opinion)[/i] “Then they opened fire, and the ship crashed into the snow-covered mountain range with a deafening roar.” [quote]“What, what happened?” I said, my mind was numb, my body hurt from the impact.[/quote] Two things. First: “said” is a very good thing to use in writing with dialogue, because it is basically invisible and lets the writing flow. [i]However,[/i] it is also very good to use more words that support the dialogue’s structure and the manner in which it is being said. This is especially important when people are shouting or asking questions, because the word “said” does not fit well with those types of dialogue. For example, if someone is yelling you can use words like: [i]Shouted, hollered, yelled, bellowed, shrieked, wailed, etc.[/i] And if someone is asking a question it is much better to use words like: [i]Asked, questioned, queried, inquired, puzzled, etc.[/i] Other words can be used when asking questions, normally to describe the manner in which the character is speaking. For example: [i]Shouted, mumbled, slurred, articulated sharply, hissed, etc.[/i] There are many words you can use instead of “said” Second: Again with the sentence clauses, using a comma instead of a period, and no FANBOYS. “My mind was numb” doesn’t make sense as a follow-up clause to “I said” because it simply isn’t written in a way that works with it. Try putting any FANBOYS between them and you’ll notice it doesn’t work. So use a period to separate these. Then there the next part: “My mind was numb, my body hurt from the impact.” only two things are being listed so you cannot use a comma, but you need to use the word “and.” So here’s what it should look like: “What, what happened?” I asked. My mind was numb and my body hurt from the impact. Or, if you want to add more immersive detail, remember that your character was just in a crash landing. Since his body and mind ache, he would most likely be speaking in a mumble. So using “mumbled” instead of “asked” would really help the reader imagine how the sentence was being said. [quote]Nexus glid towards me, his shell was dusty from the crash.[/quote]Two things. First: The past tense of “glide” is “glided,” not “glid” Second: This is a trickier situation, but you’ve stuck together two independent clauses that should be separate sentences again. You can divide them with a period again, but it would be best to remove the word “was” (this is something that I don’t know how to explain, and I don’t know how to explain what makes it right, but removing the word “was” makes the clause dependent and a good supporting description). So this is what it should look like: “Nexus glided towards me, his shell dusty from the crash.” [quote]“The Cosmodrome, we could go back there,” Nexus said. I told him why it was not a good idea to go back there. He agreed with me on that statement, we continued walking......[/quote]Two things, both mostly focused on this sentence: [i]“He agreed with me on that statement, we continued walking“[/i] First: Again with two independent clauses that can either be separated by a period or the word “and” Second: “that statement” is confusing and clashes with the previous sentence, because it is referring to a specific statement and the previous sentence explicitly did [i]not[/i] tell us your Guardians exact words. The best way to remedy this would be to change it to this: “He agreed with my reasoning.” So here’s what I think it should look like: “I told him why it was not a good idea to go back there. He agreed with my reasoning and we continued walking......” [quote]The walking was tiresome, we stopped to rest, all we had on us was a radio.[/quote]This is like all your other previous problems with sentence clauses, commas, and FANBOYS. The problem is you are listing things that are separate ideas and should not be put together like a list. “The walking was tiresome so we eventually stopped to rest. All we had on us was a radio.” [quote]There was a man in front of use, his hand outstretched so as to help me up.[/quote]Two things. First: Us, not “use.” Second: This doesn’t make sense. Suddenly there’s a man standing in front of them. Like *poof* surprise! And a second before the footsteps had been “at a distance.” You need to have a sentence before this says the Guardian hid behind a rock or turned around or whatever to establish that the man didn’t just pop into existence right in front of his face. [quote]I was shocked at this fact, I was in disbelief, Shin pulled out the Last Word so as to say “I’m real”.[/quote]Again, you listed separate ideas. Also, “at this fact” is unnecessary and doesn’t look very good. And you cannot use any form of punctuation after quotation marks. The punctuation goes inside the quotation marks. “I was shocked; in disbelief. Shin pulled out the Last Word so as to say “I’m real.” [quote]He asked me who I was, I introduced myself as Larsnic Mcreed. I told him that I was a Gunslinger, he smiled when I told him that.[/quote]Again, these should all be separate sentences. Use periods instead of commas. [quote]We walked until I could see the mouth of a cave, when we reached it he stepped inside, motioning me to follow.[/quote]Comma problem again, but this time only the first comma needs to be changed to a period. And it’s “motioning [i]for[/i] me to follow.” “We walked until I could see the mouth of a cave. When we reached it he stepped inside, motioning for me to follow.” [quote]He beckoned me to sit with a small group of hunters, I did so without complaining.[/quote] “He beckoned [i]for[/i] me” is a little better. And you need FANBOYS after the comma. “He beckoned for me to sit with a small group of hunters, and I did so without complaining.”