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Edited by superenderbros:
1/21/2020 11:50:44 AM
5
Fiction - All Life Grows (1)
It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything so all advice is welcome
[spoiler]
Alemia’s scope pierced through vines to target a Minotaur defending a relay.
“Don’t fire until this time-shield is up, we’ve lost communications with the city” Terin-3 whispered from behind a pillar of stone.He wasn’t one to take chances, especially with a Vex reality analysis.
“Just a side note, we’ve just lost communications with the city through the Meridian gate. Any concern there?” Yukon shushed into his radio, hand cannon in hand ready to jump a goblin.
Terin-3 nodded to Alemia and she fired, wiping another Vex frame with a silver bullet and freeing Yukon to secure their existence in Garden yet again. He jumped that goblin, successfully.
“We lose it all the time, just Vex interference. It’ll come back again, do tell me though, have we got anymore orders from Aroxino,” Terin-3 assured, appearing out in the open from his previous cover.
Aroxino was the settlement leader, it was his idea to inhabit the Black Garden and spread humanity’s crawling efforts.
“Yeah, a recon. An unauthorised fireteam’s entered the Black Garden and currently en route to that big ol tree in the middle. He wants us to see what they’re up to.” Yukon answered, his boots now covered in Radiolaria after stomping that goblin. Alemia jumped down from her vine-infested perch. She was angry.
“I know just the idiots. You remember those Chronoguys who predicted our supposed ‘victory’ against Crota, the war that led to thousands of wasted guardians?” Alemia spurted, kicking the corpse of an old harpy out of frustration. She quickly composed herself and reloaded her rifle.
“They’re in the Garden?” Yukon asked, beginning his run for another relay to assure their existence’s security.
“Maybe, I heard rumours of their interest of this place. And I can’t imagine any other fireteam coming in.” Alemia said, raising her rifle across to mimic her desired shot. Terin-3 lifted himself from the Vex processor on the floor he had been playing with and lowered Alemia’s rifle.
“Don’t be hasty. Let’s just find them first before we get into trouble. Yukon, get that relay secure and we’ll meet you topside.” Terin-3 countered, pointing to a burning spaceship racing across the Garden sky.
“Aye aye” Yukon answered.
[/spoiler]
I’ve made sure to stick to lore but added some details for context. Comment if you’d like to see a follow-up.
Here’s an edited, and much better, version by Rhymes with Nic!
[spoiler]
[quote]Alemia’s scope pierced through vines to target a Minotaur defending a relay.
“Don’t fire until this time-shield is up, we’ve lost communications with the city,” Terin-3 said, worry in his tone. He wasn’t one to take chances, especially with a Vex reality analysis.
“Just a side note, we’ve just lost communications with the city through the Meridian gate. Any concern there?” Yukon asked.
Terin-3 nodded to Alemia and she fired, wiping another Vex frame and freeing Terin-3 to secure our existence here yet again.
“We lose it all the time, just Vex interference. It’ll come back again. Do tell me though, have we gotten anymore orders from Aroxino?” Terin-3 sighed.
Aroxino was the settlement leader, it was his idea to inhabit the Black Garden and spread humanity’s crawling efforts.
“Yeah, a recon. An unauthorised fireteam’s entered the Black Garden and currently en route to that big ol' tree in the middle. He wants us to see what they’re up to,” Yukon said, looking up at the other two.
Alemia jumped down from her vine-infested perch. She was angry.
“I know just the idiots. You remember those Chronoguys who predicted our supposed ‘victory’ against Crota, the war that led to thousands of wasted guardians?” Alemia said, almost yelling.
“They’re in the Garden?” Yukon asked, tilting his head to the side a little.
“Maybe, I heard rumours of their interest of this place. And I can’t imagine any other fireteam coming in,” Alemia said, warping her features as if in deep thought.
Terin-3 lifted himself from the Vex processor on the floor and attempted to lower Alemia’s rifle.
“Don’t be hasty. Let’s just find them first before we get into trouble. Yukon, get that relay secure and we’ll meet you topside,” Terin-3 ordered.
“Aye aye,” Yukon sighed[/quote]
[/spoiler]
Edit: here’s the follow up!
https://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/254991820/0/0
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2 RepliesEdited by Grays_KS27: 1/21/2020 1:30:44 AMGood job. Now it’s time for my feedback. In terms of story, it’s all good. This is an interesting intro that gets the reader’s attention. The only thing I question is the insanity/stupidity of people trying to make a settlement in the Black Garden. Your biggest problem is that all your dialogue is structured the exact same way: [i]“Blah blah,” person action. (“Hello,” Bill said.)[/i] There are three ways to structure dialogue: [i]1. “Blah blah,” person action. 2. Person action, “Blah blah.” 3. “Blah blah,” person action, “Blah blah.”[/i] Option 2 is trickier to use properly because it requires different sentence structure outside the dialogue, for example preventing the word “said” from being used. 1 and 3 must be used at the beginning of a paragraph, and cannot start in the middle or end of a paragraph. 2 must start at the beginning or end of a paragraph. The paragraph cannot continue after the dialogue ends, so a new paragraph needs to be started after it. To prevent your story from seeming too bland and repetitive, you need to use at least two of these dialogue structures throughout the story. Now here’s my feedback on some specific parts: [quote] Terin-3 nodded to Alemia and she fired, wiping another Vex frame and freeing Terin-3 to secure our existence here yet again.[/quote]I don’t understand this. Does “wiping another Vex frame” mean she killed the Minotaur? And was Terin-3 using the Vex relay to secure their existence? What exactly does this mean? You don’t have to explain the details in the story, but I can’t make much sense of this sentence so a change probably needs to be made. [quote] Aroxino was the settlement leader, it was his idea to inhabit the Black Garden and spread humanity’s crawling efforts. [/quote]Two things. First: “it was his idea” would be better as “it had been his idea” because this way it more clearly refers to the idea as something that happened in the past. Second: “spread humanity’s crawling efforts” to what? This sentence is unfinished. Efforts to repopulate the solar system? [quote] “Maybe, I heard rumours of their interest of this place.[/quote]”Maybe. I heard rumours of their interest in this place.
