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Edited by xxx:
4/24/2019 7:50:31 AM
44
The Great Cookie War has reached an Accord
Today, Golden Owl and I have reached an accord. We have discussed terms and agreed upon them on behalf of our patron Deities. We do this for our fallen brethren and because if this goes any longer, it will get boring!
As follows;
Cookies are my domain. His is Ice Cream. He has also asked for rights to holiday cookie give aways and Bernthal the Great agreed, just so long as Golden Owl says they are limited edition.
While Molasses Cookies are still the one true Holy Cookie, I have agreed on behalf of Bernthal the Great to acknowledge and make clear that anyone can eat most cookies, with the understanding that The Holy Temple of Bernthal the Great only serves and allows Molasses Cookies upon its grounds or within its Holy Walls.
We will gather periodically for Ice Cream and Cookie socials and to honor those who have fallen in this most epic and truly important of wars.
If I have forgotten anything, let me know and I will add it in an edit!
[u][i]Those who have fallen:[/i][/u]
[u]ManofDeath:[/u]
[spoiler]He fell whilst trying to burn the Molasses Cookies. As he was trying to adjust the temperature knob, he slipped on some spilled batter and fell into another oven. His final words were: "I should have stayed home and watched Netflix and chilled instead of trying to have a hot time in the city!!"[/spoiler]
[u]Spooky Derpy Taco:[/u]
[spoiler]He fell whilst engaged in a deadly duel defending his cooking honor from those wouldst claim his baguettes were terrible! He hurled the baguettes like javelins, but alas, he was killed because they are served with no point![/spoiler]
[u]Spooky Signal:[/u]
[spoiler]He died while swinging from a chandelier and trying to save Princess Peach. Alas, he grabbed wrong rope and opened the trap door in the floor and fell in, where he promptly died by sharks with frickin laser beams![/spoiler]
[u]CoolHandLuke04:[/u]
[spoiler]He went to a Star Trek convention near the battle, but made the mistake of wearing a red shirt. He was merely lurking. Sadly, he was bitten by a zombie and the convention turned into The Night Of The Living Trekkies! Now he is undead and loving it![/spoiler]
[u]Bloody Shadrach:[/u]
[spoiler]He tasted of the cookie of the knowledge of good and evil and it was too much for him to bear, so he exploded into a ball of light and revealed himself as a great one of the eldritch race, He of the Ever Changing Name! See kids, this is why we do not take snacks without our parents permission![/spoiler]
[u]DidSquiddinton:[/u]
[spoiler]Left us with the Purge and returned in time to catch a Batter Bomb. You are and were the bomb, sadly it was just your time to explode.......please don't leave me here alone with these loonies.....or am I the loony?[/spoiler]
[u]Jackolantern_002:[/u]
[spoiler]Something about eating his first Molasses Cookie sparked a fire deep inside of him and he rushed from the Temple screaming Bernthal the Great, jumped on the first horse he saw and chased after the skinniest man he could find, then ripped off his flaming pumpkin head and threw it at poor old Ichabod, the chamber pot salesman! Sadly, Jack needed his head, but in the moment, he lost his head and went out in a flaming explosion of glory![/spoiler]
[u]Asura of Madness, formerly Blair is myWaifu:[/u]
[spoiler]He was thought to not be involved, but while trying to "raise energy" for his spell, to destroy all the cookies, with his Waifu pillow, he inhaled too deeply and choked on her feathery thread count. He was found 3 days later.....He was smiling happily.[/spoiler]
[u]Jeff H:[/u]
[spoiler]He came to do battle, striding onto the Temple lawn, his hair mussed and his sunglasses on! For this day, he was going to defeat the great Xombie, but alas, Google Maps had led him astray and he showed up at theGun Club and his roar of defiance was met with a hail of lead! He requested an open casket viewing.......[/spoiler]
[u]Skel-3:[/u]
[spoiler]The leader of the Armies of Bernthal, he didst have no fear, not even one! He strode forth upon the field of battle and spied in the distance, the Great Defector, Sinister Turtle! Marking him with laser guided computer technology, he bellowed forth his challenge to the once proud member of Bernthal the Great's followers and sprang forth into action! His engines roared into overdrive as the propelled his powerfully built, black chrome legs forward at a rate of speed beyond the comprehension of mere mortal eyes! As he closed with that Betrayer of the Faith, he forgot one thing.....Turtles like water....the one thing Skel-3 is not impervious to, was his undoing.
Fear not though, he will return. I put him in my shop and I am making repairs. I might give him blue chrome legs this time![/spoiler]
[u]Ruby Forest:[/u]
[spoiler]Ruby went to the one place Xombie had not thought to protect, for Ruby saw how much Xombie was trying to protect his faithful followers of Bernthal the Great and acted with a clean, clear focus that only the most battle hardened soldiers have! Ruby leaped upon the Undead Hawg and raced to the Holy Molasses Cookie Warehouse and arrived just in time to battle off the first wave of Owlish invaders! Ruby's movements were precise and economical, a sweet dance of death between blade and revolver that wove the most stalwart of defenses, but alas, even a warrior as might as the forest they are named after, could not last forever. The bullets ran out, the sword didst shatter and Ruby went down under Owlish wings and Minty Crackers, the hilt of the sword and the grip of the gun swinging taking down 2 last opponents before perishing in minty feathers......[/spoiler]
[u]Toaster:[/u]
[spoiler]That lovable mercenary who will sell his toasting abilities to the highest bidder, was toasting away in the Temple kitchen, when he was captured by the Evil NIL. NIL hung him from his cord and slowly lowered him into a vat of acid, trying to torture Temple Secrets from him, but he held fast! He was recovered by Jack Skelington who was taking a dip to remove some stubborn patches of flesh that kept regrowing. Toaster is keeping Skel-3 company im my workshop as I wait for new parts.[/spoiler]
[u] Soviet Soldier:[/u]:
[spoiler]He was not a part of the war, but upon seeing the war he decided to emulate that Great Like Assassin, Slim Slimy, until Girraffalope and Spooky Boocrate broke into his Soviet supplied hovel and drug him into the street, where the commenced to putting the boots and the bottom of the crate to him. When they finished and left, he started to stand, before Slim took him down from a different forum all together with a Molasses bullet fired from a Capitalist sniper rifle. He was heard to say, "Boi, get your own gimmick!"[/spoiler]
[u]DRAGONHERO10122[/u]
[spoiler]This mighty hero and tamer of dragons, was quaffing huge quantities of mead whilst taking wagers on just how badly the forces of Bernthal the Great were going to beat the false prophets of...well everything that cropped up...when his/her liver went into total failure and he or she exploded into a huge mead fuel ball of dragonfire! Numerous eyebrows 5 miles away were singed off......[/spoiler]
[u]abearspook:[/u]
[spoiler] Was out for a walk one day, a normal civilian, when SUDDENLY OUT OF NOWHERE, A BROWNIE METEOR FELL FROM THE SKY!!! Sadly, all his hopes and dreams were crushed in an instant and now he sits in the spectral realm spectating and being claimed as a fallen member of the Brownie Britches Cult.....[/spoiler]
[u]KDA420:[/u]
[spoiler] Believed to be immortal, he laughed at the Great Cookie Wars. After spitting on Temple grounds and proclaiming he was untouchable, some claimed he was struck down by a joint operation between Bernthal the Great and Zuul, when he choked to death on a chocolate chip cookie........[/spoiler]
[u]Disciple4Christ4:[/u]
[spoiler] He was but a recent devotee to Bernthal the Great, but his newness didst not take away from the fervency of his belief! He devoted himself to the maintenance of the Temple, learning the art of making the Holy Cookie and would even babysit occasionally for fellow parishioners who needed a date night!
He was moved to tears when Sinister Turtle walked away from the True Teachings of Bernthal the Great. He ripped his shirt in righteous rage when NIL THE BETRAYER claimed his crackers were cookies! Disciple4Christ4 was most upset by the claims of Golden_Owl and his deity, Zuul.
So when the time came, it was Disciple who led the troops into battle, singing the Great Hymn and inspiring the troops he led with his piety.
As the armies met upon the field of battle, the clouds opened up and a shaft of the purist sunlight haloed him. He stood tall and strode forward swinging his Molasses Sword like a Roman Gladiator, leading the phalanx straight into glory!
He laid about him, felling owls, nacho libres, cracker cultists, and nutty cultists like they were sheaves of wheat!
Then he came upon a small, child like creature in a brown uniform with a green sash.....he paused to ask her why she was on the field of such a terrible battle and in that moment, the sun was swallowed up as the child's eyes filled with hunger and she opened her jaws wide before leaping onto his shoulders and latching firmly onto his jugular.........[/spoiler]
[u]Caboose:[/u]
[spoiler]He was walking down the street and happened to notoce his shoe lace became untied and just as he bent over to tie it again, the first shot in The Great Cookie War was fired and he took a cannon blast of white chocolate macadamia cookie batter to his caboose and was instantly filled from rump to mouth where he slowly assphixiated and no one noticed as he fell into the gutter.....[/spoiler]
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Necrobump I guess lol. Ah, this place. I miss this place. I’ve tried my best over the years to breathe life into the spirit of offtopic. A host of poor decisions has turned my once loved retreat into a necrotic shadow of a corpse buried twice since death. Some would say I found it on its death bed. In all reality it is an entirely meaningless collection of pixels displaying on the several computers I’ve used since I came here almost 6 years ago. I’ve reached the end of my rope and it’s time I pass beyond this place and into new waters. The fates are cruel, and I can’t remain in my comfort forever. I don’t suspect anyone will see this. If someone does come across it, I hope you are well. Life has been a gilded nightmare at times but it is the way it is. I’m still trying to figure out how to navigate the broken mess of this world, but I realize that I am just as broken as it is. Personality disorders are not kind diagnoses. I routinely struggle with the idea that I justifiably should remain alone. Empathy is completely removed from me and all I have is a mental concept of what it is. In the end all I worry about is myself and any worry I have about others is just me worrying about what they will think of me. It’s sucks being surrounded by narcissists. Made me one too I guess. Or maybe I’m just psycho. Anywho. I have a flight to catch. God loves you. xoxo - HoTh
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7 RepliesIf only I was unbanned
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[u] NIL THE IMPALER:[/u] [spoiler]As I watched my troops fall, 1 by 1, I knew I had to do something to put an end to this, but what? Golden_Owl Was a flyer, so that was out, Sinister Turtle was up against Cell-3, I was too busy laughing at the Nacho guy to be able to actualy fight him, lol. I mean seriously, nachoes? As if! I knew xombiexronbad and Bernthal the Great considered my cult to be anthema to them, claimed our cookies were crackers and that all cookies, especially the Holy Cookie, should be free, but hell, it is not like we had a Gawd helping us like xombie does. So I said to hell with it, for none had dared to challenge the Undead One yet, so maybe if i take him out, we can end this AND earn the patronage of Bernthal the Great. It was worth a try or so I thought....... I grabbed up my axe from back when I was a firefighter in #destiny2, strapped on some armour, ate a few thin mints for strength and strode onto the Temple grounds. "XOMBIEXRONAD, I CHALLENGE YOU TO PERSONAL COMBAT! DO YOU ACCEPT OR ARE YOU TOO MUCH OF A COWARD, HIDING BEHIND BERNTHAL'S SKIRTS?", I bellowed at full volume. I knew something bad had happened, when everything stopped, even Golden_Owl was halted in mid-dive towards someone I thought was SPOOKY Traybuk, possibly defusing a bomb, maybe. The earth did not shake or tremble or quake, it just merely opened up and xombie rose from the ground like he was on an elevator. As he stepped towards me, I was reminded once more of how huge am imposing he had become since his undeath. His left hand was pure skeletal bones and his right was thick with corded muscle. Xombie's quiet voice slid into my mind and through my ears, heavy with the power Bernthal had bestowed upon him, "NIL, are you sure you wish to press this claim? Until you chose to rise up against me, I held no animosity towards you and bearing that in mind, I am willing to let words and challenges spoken in the heat of battle be forgotten. Choose wisely, for I will not hold back in defense of the One True Cookie or His Wonderfulness, Bernthal the Great...." The words rang through, deep down into my very core and I noticed, he really sounded younger then his actual age and kind of like a Texas surfer........maybe I could take him, hell, I knew I could defeat him! I did not reply with words, I merely attacked with all the fury and love of thin mints I could muster! My axe came swinging in from the right, launched with a speed that would even maker a flat earhter believe in a round earth and slammed into Xombie's side. I felt his ribs cave in with the blow and the splintering sound filled me with both elation and nausea. As I ripped my axe free, I looked up into Xronad's face, expecting to see the green flames that were his eye dimming and flickering with death, but instead, they were brighter and a twisted smile had creased his half rotted face. He did not even pull out a weapon, his skeletal hand just slowly and calmy rose to my throat, latched on and he raised me into the air, squeezing the life from me slowly, watching as I gasped and struggled, the axe falling to the ground so I could try to pry his dead grip from my neck........His laughter filling that other realm where he choose to hold our battle, so loud as to even be heard over the roaring of the blood in my ears as I gasped fruitlessly for even a sip of air, before everything went first red, then slowly black and silent....... SO how am I here relaying this tale to you? Somehow, I was given a Vampire's Blessing and I now serve a new master......Xombie isn't the only undead in this town now......[/spoiler] [u]SPOOKY Traybuk:[/u] [spoiler]Golden_Owl had placed the Butterscotch Bomb against the side of the Temple, away from the fighting, in hopes of creating a way in that did not involve going through the forces of Bernthal the Great. What he had not noticed though, was that one of the followers was on patrol and had noticed him setting it. SPOOKY Traybuk had a history in the Bomb Squad, until he felt the Calling of Bernthal the Gr8. He knew he could dismantle the bomb, so he gave Golden_Owl the time to set it and move out, before he moved in to defuse it for if Golden had seen him, they would haver had to fight and then if he lost, the Temple could be harmed and even more of his fellow borthers and sisters could perish! So as Golden flew away, Traybuk moved in, slowly, quietly assessing the construction of the bomb as he approached. He had to know the bomb, almost be one with it, in order to properly defuse it and that required nerves of steel and a will that would not crack under a deadly countdown. After inspecting the bomb for a minute further, he drew his tools out from his jacket, then removed his jacket and folded it, before gently placing it on the ground and kneeling on it, He knew from long years of experience that discomfort would only cause aggitation and he had seen too many good people die from not being comfortable as they worked to defuse a bomb.So he laid out his tools and quickly disabled the remote detonator. He would have to be slow and steady, so as not to trip the mercury motion sensor or the electrical trap that would cause it to explode while he worked to disable the timer. This bomb was truly a masterpiece and required all of his concentration, which is why he did not notice that Golden_Owl had circled back around when his remote had failed to create the sticky explosion and spotted him working on the bomb. Golden_Owl wasted no in diving for Traybuk, sharply pecking him on the head! Traybuk felt the sharp beak drive into his skull and he knew this blow was fatal, but Golden had made a mistake in not knocking him away or killing him instantly. So with the final moments of his life, vision slowly fading to black, SPOOKY Traybuk cut the final wire and saved the Temple, before expiring. So powerful and serene was this man, that even after dying, he stayed sitting there, facing his work like a Samurai praying after a battle.[/spoiler] [u]Vladimir Spookin:[/u] [spoiler]Vlad, being the peaceful sort, decided to step in and try to mediate between some of the fringe groups and actually met with quite a bit of success, until that night when he went to the meet between the Somoan Joe's and the Do-si-do'ists. Things started off rocky, with niether side wanting to give anything to the other side and each blaming the other for the problems they faced. Vlad tried to calm their tits, but to no avail! Soon weapons were drawn and everyone started kung-fu fighting! Vlad, drawing deep from his namesake, pulled a spear and started impaling everyone, before finally being stabbed 37 times andf drowning in a pool of spilled milk.......[/spoiler] Literally Hitler: [spoiler]He pretended to die, but secretly got on an airplane to Argentina, where he lives to this day making pinata's and recycling cans......[/spoiler] [u]MezaJarJarBinks:[/u] [spoiler]He cracked a joke and it offended someone, no surprise there, so Pengay buffed his armour, put on his white tabbard, grabbed his sword, shield and white lance, mounted his white charger and went forth to slay the Wicked Jester. As he approached Meza, his horse tripped on his own poo and fell, crushing both Pengay and MezaJarJarBinks![/spoiler]
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16 RepliesEdited by xxx: 10/14/2018 5:37:21 AM[u]CattyWampus:[/u] [spoiler]When Xombie called, I was at the University, teaching my advanced political class. Things had started to get heated between ECCHO SIERRA and kellygreen, but Gladlin was there, so I knew he could handle it, so I put on my leather coat, grabbed my whip and hat and headed straight for the Temple of Cookie Boon. As I pulled up, I noticed immediately that the Temple grounds where besieged by hostile forces and I swore by the Crystal Skull of Bernthal the Great that I would help turn the tide! As I strode on to the battlefield, I was laying about me with my whip, removing nasty cookies from fowl and cultist hands alike! Suddenly I was surrounded and things looked like this wouod be my Last Crusade, especially when I took a horrid white chocolate macadamia cookie shuriken to my knee! Out of no where, xombiexronad rose up from the ground and pulled me into an Ark and we got Lost! So now I sit in the Temple infirmary and oen my account of the battle while I munch on some molasses cookies and drink some ice cold milk.[/spoiler] [u]Gladlin:[/u] [spoiler] While sitting in CattyWampus's class, Gladlin was rolling his eyes as once more, ECCHO SIERRA was baiting kellygreen and things were heating up. Gladlin could not help but wonder, when would these two just get over their insane political views or just get a hotel room and work out the "tension" between them! Suddenly!! The Invader Zim theme song rang out and Professor Wampus turned slightly red and excused himself to take the important call. The 2 knuckleheads were getting more aggressive, so Gladlin felt he needed to step in and maybe help defuse the situation and as he was, Professor Wampus walked back in and announced that he, Gladlin would finish out the class for him as he was needed at the Temple of Cookie Boon! At this point, Gladlin felt it would be in everyone's best interest to assign the reading material for the week and dismiss the class, as that usually put an end to those two's shenanigans. This was not a typical day though, for as he was dismissing the class, kellygreen said something particularly snotty and ECCHO actually got upset!! ECCHO grabbed his chair and swung it at kellygreen, who just stood their making some speech about violence and Republicans, before getting knocked off the raised seating area. As he landed, still going on about something, ECCHO started down the stairs towards him, the ramains of the chair now suspiciously reminiscent of a spear, Gladlin knew he had to spring into action! As ECCHO hit the ground running, Gladlin leaped infront of him and yelled STOP!!, but it was too late, ECCHO, his eyes wide, was unable to stop his forward momentum! The spear thudded home and Gladlin oddly felt no pain, just a general numbness and shock. The 2 started arguing again and Gladling looked at them and quietly said, "Look at what your fighting has done, it has killed me. My beautiful new wife will be a widow in a few minutes and you still have not learned! Use this as a lesson, put your pride aside and work together, respectfully, to make this world a better place where wives are not widowed and people on Offtopic no longer have to hear your idiotic drivel!" So as he breathed his last and the light started to fade from his eyes, ECCHO and kelly embraced in a passionate embrace and then vowed to always set aside their differences and honor Gladlin by making a better, less politically charged world![/spoiler] [u]TheThreaT:[/u] [spoiler]Threat was sitting at home watching TV when a breaking news alert came on, the was a war downtown in the Cookie District! Somehow, he knew that xombiexronad was mixed up in this, for ever since he had joined the Force, xombie had been running that Temple of Bernthal the Great and had been taking control of all the cookie trade in the area. He had known this would be a problem and now, here he was on his day off, enjoying some down time and some TV in the nood while he polished his shield and cleaned his handgun, so of course this would erupt today! Triple T quickly reassembled his gun and got dressed in his SWAT gear, from before he became a detective. He was walking into a war zone and there was no way he was going in unprepared! He was finally going to take down that damned Xombie and all the other lunatics that were ruinging his fair city with their crazy cults! As he opened the garage, he was greeted by his baby, a lifted classic 1975 Ford F-250 4x4 with a modern 5.9L Cummins Turbo Diesel to power the beast. He hit the remote start and the baby roared to life like she was ready to eat some Cookie Cultists! He opened the door and climbed into the white tiger print, Corenthian leather interior, buckled up, put her in drive and tore off for the Cookie District! Tragically though, as Threat came tearing into the Cookie District, he ended up running into the armoured motorcade of PrezTri1kSp00k and between the speed he was going and the armaments he was carying, this caused both vehicles to explode in a small mushroom cloud, completely annhilating the Oreo Pumpkin Spice facility![/spoiler] [u]SpookySpiff:[/u] [spoiler]He was riding his scooter down the sidewalk, when a massively badass 1975 Ford F-250 blew by him, roaring so loudly, it startled him and as he fell off his scooter, it flipped into the air and landed on his one weak spot, his ankle and he died right then and there. Sometimes it sucks to be a descendant of Achilles.......[/spoiler] [u]Spookm2245:[/u] [spoiler]Was cleaning the basement when a group of false prophets from Sinister Turtles splinter group snuck in through the Smuggler's Entrance of the Temple. As they screamed and started to attack him, Spook started spinning his mop like a bo staff, for little did these false ones know, but Spook was a reformed ninja! So with many parry, dodges and thrusts, he slowly took the invaders down, but not without suffering inbjury as well, for the numbers were just too great for him to survive! As he felt the white chocolate macademia cookie shiruken entering his body and leeching their poison into him, he fought on like a demon possessed! He took them down with precision and skill that would make no one doubt that his mooping was beyond compare! So as the last foe fell, Spookm2245 placed his mop down and said, "Mr. Xronad, I don't feel so good...." and passed away perfectly balanced against his mop to remain standing![/spoiler] [u]PresTri1kSp00k:[/u] [spoiler]Alerted to the big trouble in the little Cookie District, Tri, ever the good guy, rounded up his best people and equipped them with the latest and greatest of the Offtopian weapons. He then led the charge as they raced to the Presidential garage, where they quickly jumped into their armooured assualt vehicles and sped with all haste to the Cookie District, to aid his long time Offtopickle friend, xronad. As they raced through the streets of Offtopic, Mr. Prez could see the smoke from the battle and hear the cries of pain and the thunder of artillery as the wound their way closer and closer to the Cookie District. They stopped once to ask a strange being if he knew De Wey, but alas he could not speak, for he had been muted ages past! As they sped around the corner and enter the Cookie District, heading for the Temple, out of no where this 1975 Ford F-250 long-wheel base crew cab truck came roaring into them and the resulting crash left little to nothing remaining for a half a block, including the new Oreo Pumpkin Spice factory.......[/spoiler]
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8 RepliesEdited by xxx: 5/12/2019 6:17:42 PMBeware, this is not one for anyone who is squeamish, so do not click the spoiler unless you are ready to read this. [u]ABackSeatGhoul:[/u] [spoiler] Ghoul was a mutha -blam!-in soldja, just like I mutha -blam!-in told ya! We called him the Ghoul for how he would dissect his targets while they were still living & screaming, the blood dripping down his hands from his ever dull blades. Anything to extend the pain, to make them scream, that was his signature. Most could not handle him, especially when he would squeeze a lemon into his mouth & pour some salt on his tongue, then lick the blood from their skinned faces. Ghoul said the texture of the muscle against his tongue as they screamed at the new pain was better then any drug you could ever do. So when he got the call from xombie, he knew things were getting serious. Xronad had been talking about how things had been slowly escalating within the Cookie District, but Ghoul had not expected a call so soon, but -blam!- it, he was ready to eat a fresh victim's screams! Xombie gave him the particulars of what was going down, then told him to do what he thought would best bring this to a quick and earth shattering conclusion, so that none would EVER dare to try to usurp his given calling. He would never dare to presume to give Ghoul a target, a sign of not only his respect, but because he trusted him that much. There was one man, a man so evil, so dark and dirty, that no one knew who he was. He never came forth, always hiding in the shadows and it was this man who had instigated this whole affair, believing he was beyond reprecussions. He only went by the moniker, A Back Seat Driver........ Ghoul had no problem breaking into the mansion of Driver, slitting the throats of each and every one of the 13 guards Driver had. The front yard was so soaked in blood from the ripping of his dull knife across the tissues of their throats, the skin stretching and tearing with an almost popping sound that brought Ghoul closer and closer to his climax. After clearing the house & finding that Driver did not allow anyone in the mansion while he was asleep, he moved into Driver's quarters to begin setting up everything he would need to begin his work that night. When finished, he leaned over the bed with his pliers, quickly grabbing the upper right eyelid of Driver and ripping it free in a quick, sharp movement. As the screamig started, a bit of blood fountained up and then dribbled into Driver's eye, while he looked into Ghoul's face as he slowly brought the ripped off eyelid to his lips and placed it tenderly on his tongue, before drawing it into his mouth like a cat lapping up fresh cream. "Hello and welcome to your last night on earth, Mr. BackSeastDriver, I couldn't wait any longer for our fun to begin!" Ghoul said happily after swallowing the small morsel of flesh. "Do you know who I am?!? I will have your testicles removed and fried for this outrage, you sick -blam!-!" shouted Driver in a shaking voice that even he noticed lacked its usual self confident steadiness. "Why yes, yes indeed I do know who you are......You are my dinner! Now, what say we remove that pesky tongue of yours so that I do not have to listen to any more of your prattle, otherwise it could possibly ruin what should prove to be a fine 21-course meal tonight! Now say Aaahhhh!" Ghoul said with an almost sexual purr, before forcing open the jaws of Driver, then fastening his pliers to the tongue and slowly pulling it free in an almost languid motion. "This should be quite tasty when fried with some mushrooms and some onions, don't you think? I will set this aside and we can tie you up to the frame I brought, then I have a lovely little -blam!- that will keep you awake and alert through out this night! Oh yes, by-the-by, it also has the added bonus of making your nerves extra sensitive, which will be excellent as I slowly peel the skin from your body." Ghoul said as he secured Driver to the "X" frame. "I am just going to hook this IV up, we would not want all that sweet, sweet flesh to become dehydrated due to our activities this evening, would we?" After hooking up the IV, Ghoul turned and set up his portable camp kitchen, for he knew you could never trust others to have the proper cookware and spices to prepare the delectable flesh of a living human, people are just so inconsiderate after all.........[/spoiler]
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Edited by xxx: 10/15/2018 5:23:10 AM[u]Ems468:[/u] [spoiler] Just as his name implies, he worked for Emergency Medical Services and as the war broke out, he leaped in to ambulance #468 and races over to the war front to save as many Offtopickles as possible! As he raced over the river & through the woods, he noticed the smoke curling up over the trees and was truly worried that he being the only EMS person, would just not be enough and little did he know how roght he would be! As he screeched to a halt next to the battlefield, he saw the Offtopickles he had come to.know, those he knew of and a shitload of imaginary people to flesh out the armies so as to not make the battle pathetic...... After 12 hours of doging bombs, bullets, blades, and bexplosions, Ems was so tored, he could barely see straight and as he walked forth, for he could no longer run, half asleep and dragging from fatigue, that was how he did not notice the nacho libre liberation front claymore and as he stepped on the wire and was riddled with thousands of sharp little tortilla chips........[/spoiler] [u]SilencerSix:[/u] [spoiler] He lay upon the roof of the Oreo Pumpkin Spice production facility, picking his targets through the scope of the silenced M40A5 sniper rifle that he had managed to hold onto when he did not re-up with the Marines. How many times had he done this now? Comfortably stretched out on a rooftop, languidly picking out targets the way most people would pick out a perfect piece of pie after eating a lovely meal. This thought crossed his mind as he dropped yet another one of these strange cookie people. These folks were nuts, he thought as he watched his target jerk back and then fall. Why would anyone fight over cookies and who makes 1 cookie holy? Hell, he did not care, as long as the check cleared, he would sit up here and shoot the wierdos all day long and smile. Mr. Driver had always been good for it and hell, it was not like he was in any danger up here. From this location you would either need a massive explosion or an aerial assault to get to him, lol. As he was lining up his 10th target, he could hear the sound of a gnarly ass diesel truck running at high speed down on the street. He enjoyed the sound for a moment, but quickly tuned it out in order to focus. He was about to pull the trigger when he heard the sound of a massive crash and then he saw flames before.......[/spoiler]
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1 ReplyRare footage of Slim in the last few moments of a certain Soviet’s life.....
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7 RepliesWhat is this god awful mess in here? I take a short hiatus, and all hell breaks loose! Cookie crumbs everywhere, ice cream smeared on the walls, brownies stuck to every surface and the air smells faintly of mint. And why is toaster still hanging by his cord, will someone get him down! By the Double Double with onions Gods, can't leave you kids alone for a minute!
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6 RepliesOi lad now that this civil war is over can we continue the real crusade [spoiler]attack the Desticles, though I recommend leaving Lore alone as they haven't attacked us.(Plus they aren't as salty as the rest of the Desticles) [/spoiler]
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1 ReplyWhat about me :( I’m a little disappointed, not mad...disappointed [spoiler]or am I???[/spoiler]
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Edited by Hank the shank: 10/11/2018 5:03:02 PM
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5 RepliesYou know, IRL, I probably would stop and ask her that. Looks like I was killed by my own kindness 🤣
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1 ReplyI always knew I’d die drinking
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7 RepliesI'm disappointed. This list is not in alphabetical order. C'mon, step it up!
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Damn those people dead [spoiler]Condolence Pringles[/spoiler]
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1 ReplyFFFFFFFFFFFFFF FFFFFFFFFFFFFF FF F F FFFFFFFFFFFFFF FFFFFFFFFFFFFF FF F F F F F F RIP those who were lost
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1 ReplyBump?
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*as the Iced Oatmeal Cookie pirates sail off into the horizon*
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2 RepliesI steal yo cookies 🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪
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9 RepliesIdk what you're on about. Molasses cookies suck Snickerdoodle cookies are best
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Interesting...
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[spoiler]wut[/spoiler]
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1 ReplyBut wait, now that I died, do I have to lurk forever? [spoiler]Awesome post btw, this is why offtopic is great lol.[/spoiler]
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14 RepliesWar ain’t over till I say it’s over, there never is any good wars anymore...
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6 RepliesYou must not forget me. For I am the. Leader of the brownie kingdom and I would like to go to war for full control over all cookies yes, even molasses
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1 Reply[b]F[/b]
