You could try simplifying your explanation and getting rid of filler words. This will more easily help you pinpoint the truth. For instance, your post could be summarized as "I cannot resist getting drunk on 50% of my nights" You might not be a full-blown alchoholic who can't function, but it definitely seems you have a dependency/addiction issue that could turn into alcoholism quickly. As a smoker who started at 15, I understand this all too well. I'm 25. I fail at resisting the urge to stop at the store and pick up smokes. If I go without them for a weekend or something then I get really touchy and can't think or focus much. I feel on edge at work without a smoke. That's the bitch about substances that are addictive. Most of them are natural depressants. So while you are fighting the varying degrees of depression they cause, your mind is also stuck in the loop of believing they are necessary for you to function. Which may be true in the short term due to the dependency affects they have on you. My advice, just quit cold turkey and fight through the craving and short term side effects of quitting. Once those wear off, you will be in a far better place and feel "awake" again.