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Edited by DeMix:
4/8/2018 9:42:03 PM
23
Pillow - by DeMix
Pillow
My friend Andrew had just brought me home after a long night at a party. I was extremely drunk and fatigued. He walked me in and made sure I didn't break something walking around. He soon left after I fell fast asleep. At about 3:35 A.M. I awoke to a weird grinding noise coming from the basement. I was already feeling like shit after the party, so I found this quite annoying. I stumbled out of bed to go see what it was. It sounded like metal rubbing against a tire. Hard to explain really.
My brain wasn't working entirely. As I opened the door the noise stopped. But that didn't stop me from going to see what it was. I went down only to find nothing. I looked everywhere. I told myself it's just my brain messing with me. Maybe the alcohol. So I went back upstairs. As I go back to my room my pillow from the right side of my bed was missing. I had thought it feel off so I looked under the bed. It wasn't there? That immediately woke me up with caution.
I thought it was my friend Andrew just messing with me. So I called out his name. "Andrew! Stop being a dick and leave! I'm not in the mood!" I yelled. Then I heard a slight thump coming from my closet. So I called Andrew thinking his phone would go off in the closet. Giving away his position. He picked up and said "Dude, It's like 4 in the morning? What is it?" I could feel my heart fall into my stomach. "YOR'RE NOT IN MY CLOSET?" "No?" he replied.
As soon as I said that another thump came from the closet. Followed by the noise of someone about to stand up. I ran outside. Considering there is no way I'm in condition to take on an intruder. I called 911 immediately. Keeping an eye on the front of the house. They came and searched the house. But there was no one there. I didn't go back to that house for at least a month. And went on to pick up a handgun and alarm system for security.
[b]- This story is fiction. I'm just experimenting really. If you guys like this I'll make better ones. More original. And make them scarier and longer. Maybe give me some ideas. I'll take them into consideration. This story is sloppy. I'll do better. I don't mind constructive criticism.
Inspiration - Mr. Nightmare(although those stories are true) Watch his stories if you haven't, great channel.(YouTube)[/b]
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6 RepliesThat is a good start. I think you need to flesh it out a bit more, but try to stay away from things like, "I could tell his soul was full of unending darkness" or " the killer's eyes glowed red". If you read creepypastas, then you will recognize the over used bits and you should stay away from them. If you do not read them, but want to learn about them, check out the podcast Midnight Marinara. Also, you do not have to explain every detail. Identify what is needed to flesh out, because honestly a little of the ole, "But what was that---" is a good thing. Take a page from Hitchcock, give enough detail for the audience member's imagination to run wild, but not so much that they are seeing exactly what is behind the curtain before it is ever lifted.
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11 RepliesThis is interesting but I don’t understand what the grinding noise was or why the intruder took your pillow.
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1 ReplySpooky. 7/10 spooks needs more spook, otherwise pretty spooky. [spoiler]I'd say "it needs x" in seriousness but I don't quite know what's missing, maybe it all happened too fast? An actual writer might be able to help.[/spoiler]
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2 RepliesEdited by Haknir: 1/8/2018 5:27:28 AMI did really like the story, you made it seem real enough. However, my little bit of constructive criticism is that I still have no idea what it was or why it was there. But other than that, great story for the first one. [spoiler]And sometimes (only [i]sometimes[/i]) the “Why” for something happening should be left unanswered, to give it a little creepy mystery. (Learned that from videogamedunkey on his video reviewing The Shining.)[/spoiler]
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5 RepliesThis was well written, and a good story. I'm aware you admitted it was sloppy and you can do better so I won't go into that stuff. What I will say is that open ended stories with a cliffhanger are rarely good enough. It says to most readers that you don't know how to end your story so you "haven't bothered" for lack of better words. I would almost always recommend putting something at the end, even if it takes you years to figure out what that something should be.
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5 RepliesSo you started writing as well ay? Well, I'm sure I and Cyborg (the guy who writes Starside) will be able to help you (we've been writing for quite some time now)
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1 ReplyI do like these kinds of stories. Love to see more!
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[quote]I was extremely drunk and fatigued. He walked me in and made sure I didn't break something walking around. He soon left after I fell fast asleep. At about 3:35 A.M. I awoke to a weird grinding noise[/quote] Here is where you lost me. If you were extremely drunk you would not wake up a couple hours after falling asleep.
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Fix some spelling, fix the syntax, make the story and sentences flow more smoothly, definitely put more effort into it in general. This is writing I would expect from, perhaps, a 15 year old who does not make a habit of reading many books. If you want to improve your writing, start by reading. A lot.
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1 ReplyIt’s well done in the sense that I can image this happening to me(minus he drunkenness part) but it’s not suspenseful enough to be a good horror story. It’s a good start!
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1 ReplyUgh. This kind of stuff is so cliche.
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1 ReplyPillow? [spoiler]Hello I’m Mike Lindell, inventor of the world’s most comfortable pillow: My Pillow. We all have the same problems sleeping at night: our pillows go flat. We end up folding our pillows over for support, using our arms, flip flopping all night long like a guppy; we wake up in the morning: we have sore necks, we have headaches, our arms are asleep, we feel like we need a nap in the afternoon even though we’ve slept 8 hours. Well with MY Patented Fill, wherever you move this Pillow, it will hold the exact position for you as an individual, and you will get the best night’s sleep of your life! It also stays cool: you don’t have to flip it to the cool side; it stays healthy for a full ten years and its warrantied not to go flat. AND you can throw it right in the washer and dryer just like your favorite blue jeans, and I personally guarantee its gonna to be the most comfortable pillow you will ever own...[/spoiler]
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Edited by Jdniscool: 1/8/2018 4:21:02 PMGood story, kept me hooked, but next time you gotta put me in the story! :0
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5 RepliesEdited by Krishnas Prophet: 1/8/2018 9:18:44 AMClockman [spoiler]and yes, make more[/spoiler]
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Cool story, Though needs more dragons. Lol... (*≧艸≦)
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Almost fell for it til the end
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Pretty good. I'd love to see more
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Edited by TheAlphaPorch: 1/8/2018 12:15:44 PMWe all have a few skeletons in the closet, And under the rug, And in the sink, Don’t even get me started on the basement.
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2 RepliesOoooooo!!! That was well done... Me like this!!! Do make more mate! [spoiler]Wasting people's time since 2014[/spoiler] [spoiler](ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧[/spoiler]
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1 ReplyIt was Joe.
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4 RepliesDarn you
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I was shafted and thought it was real
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Cool, cool!
