I don't know if any of you remember my old Gud Gear posts, but after only the first couple even ended up being decent I decided to end it with a finale. Buuut I never got around to doing it until now since D2 is coming, so here it is! The previous Gud Gear posts can be found in my Archive: https://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/217384398/0/0 Remember that I am not actually a screaming toddler who cares way too much about his Exotic gear, I just pretend to be one. I'm also not a professional comedian. Hope u guys like some of these! Hey there, looking for a cool and helpful guy who never runs out of material? Well you came to the right guy because I'm ICE BREAKER! BAM! THE ICE HAS BEEN BROKEN! BAM! NOW THAT GUY'S SKULL IS BROKEN! MAKE EVERYONE RAGE ABOUT THAT ONE SNIPER WHO NEVER HAS TO GRAB SPECIAL AMMO OR SWITCH WEAPONS TO SLAY EVERYONE! Titan busting up your team? BAM! Busted up his face! Hunter sneaking around? BAM! Never saw you coming! Warlock caught you in a nerd talk? BAM! Run for you life before they revive! IIIIICE BREEEEAAAAAKERRRRR! If you thought stabbing people through the face was OP, just wait until you try on these bad boys. KHEPRI'S STING! Sleek and glossy shell armor for your arms that even comes with some wicked shoulder spikes. Exponential damage for backstabbing. Stabbing people in the back has never been so enjoyable. No one will be safe; not your enemies, your allies, or your cake. That's right, I'm coming for your cake. I'm gonna cut it up and eat it while you lay there bleeding out of your maimed back. CAPRI SUUU- oh, wait…KHEPRIIIIIIS STIIIIIIIIIIING! Can't. Touch. This. Become the untouchable juke master with TWILIGHT GARRRISOOOOOOON! You ever watch those documentaries where the rams start butting heads with each other? Heh, well, now you'll be the only one with horns to compete with THE RAM! CHARGE THROUGH THE CRUCIBLE SMASHING EVERYONE'S SKULLS IN AND DRAINING THE LIFE FROM THEIR WEAK-BONED BODIES! THE RAAAAAAAAAAM! PRAISE ME! The hunted has become the hunter… PUT THAT FREAKIN' DEER SKULL ON YOUR HEAD AND BECOME THE DEADLIEST FORCE OF NATURE THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN! IMPALE YOUR FOES ON YOUR GORGEOUS TESTAMENTS OF DOMINANCE AND ROAST THEM OVER THE FIRE! FORGET DEER JERKY, YOU'RE IN CHARGE NOW, HUMAN JERKY! (And ladies, think of how the all the guys will gawk over that giant rack of yours) THE STAAAAAAAAB! Sorry I meant THE STAAAAAAAG! Become Padme Amidala and terrorize your opponents with untouchable fashion and invisible terrors! YOU CAN'T TOUCH THIS! DON'T TOUCH MEEEEEEEE! Do you have a quick temper but not a gun with the infinite rage to meet your needs? Try INVECTIVE! THIS SHOTGUN NEVER RUNS OUT OF AMMO AND PERFECTLY CHANNELS YOUR MURDEROUS ANGER INTO RAPID FIRE FOR THE MOST TRIGGER HAPPY OF INDIVIDUALS! INVECTIIIIIIIIVE! Who says you can't be a skilled warrior, look frabjous, and be the king of dance all at the same time? Anyone who's not wearing RADIANT DANCE MACHINES! Slide into combat like the smooth artist of death and style you are and blow your opponents away! Blind them with your flashy legs of perfection and kick them into submission! RADIAANT DAAAANCE MAAACHIIIIIINES! You wanna be a 1 foot long barbed and poisoned metal thorn in your enemies' sides? You wanna tbag the Lightless husks of their dead bodies while their Ghosts cry about how corrupt you are? USE THORN! WATCH THE WORLD BURN AND LAUGH AS YOU CRUSH THE HOPE OF OTHERS! THOOOOOOOORN! (You're addicted to Thorn cuz you know that it's toxic) Ever wonder what the first curse is? IT CAN BE YOU IF YOU GET THE FIRST CURSE NOW! SHROUD YOURSELF IN MYSTERY JUST LIKE THE GUN YOU NOW HOLD AND BECOME A PLAGUE UPON THE BATTLEFIELD! MAKE YOUR FOES WISH FOR THE CURSES OF POISON, SUFFERING, AND DEATH RATHER THAN FACE YOUR WRATH! THE FIIIRST CUUUUURSSSSSSE! This Golden Age relic once held up floating gardens, and now you use it to STOP FREAKIN' BULLETS! EMPYREAN BELLICOSE! TAKE UP THE LEGEND OF THE FISH BOWL HELM AND BECOME THE GREATEST GOLD FISH THAT EVER WIELDED LIGHT! GLIDE LIKE A SHARK IN THE WATER THROUGH THE SKIES AND COME DOWN UPON YOUR ENEMIES LIKE A MIGHTY EAGLE! CAWCAW! EMPYREAN BELLICOSE! Delve into the magics of the Hive and take up the Husk of the Pit, THEN GET SLAYING FOOLS UNTIL YOUR PRECIOUS LITTLE CANNIBAL BABY GROWS INTO THE PYROMANIAC NECHROCHASM! Blow up your enemies heads forever and feed off their strength until none remain to challenge! YOU WIELD THE DARKNESS! NECHROOOCHAAASM! I can swing my sword sword sword my (choose one: fire/lightning/dankness/puppy) sword sword! TAKE UP THE REMAINS OF ORYX'S WILLBREAKER (or some rod of metal an old dude forged) AND SWING SWING SWING YOUR SWORD SWORD UNTIL IT BECOMES ONE OF THESE TOOLS OF DESTRUCTION! ROAST THE GREATEST OF OPPONENTS WITH RAGE LIGHTER! TRAP THE CRAFTIEST OF ENEMIES FROM AFAR WITH LIGHTNING FROM DOLT BLASTER! SEND YOUR MOST DESPISED FOES SCREAMING INTO THE ABYSS WITH DANK DRINKER! GET THE CAMPFIRE STARTED WITH THUG WOLF'S HOWL! Become hyped with SWOOOOOOOORDS! (Warning: due to overhype and dankness, sword names may be miswritten in the previous text) Meet CHAPERONE! The gun that'll make all your parents feel relieved that you have a proper guardian to watch over you in battle! CHASE AWAY ALL THE SUITORS AND COMBATANTS THAT COME YOUR WAY! THE CHAPERONE ALWAYS KILLS AND NEVER MISSES, YOUR WONDERFUL YOUTH WILL REMAIN UNSOILED! Just ask Amanda, the Chaperone got her to the City just fine for her mother. AND KILLED A BUNCH OF FOOLS ALONG THE WAY! CHAPEROOOOONE! TAKE THE FORTH HORSEMAN AND BECOME THE FORTH HORSEMAN! (It totally makes sense, trust me) MOW DOWN ANYTHING THAT MOVES IN SECONDS! SHRED EVERYTHING INTO PASTE WITH THE ACCIDENTAL OVERDOSE OF AMMO THAT BURSTS OUT OF THIS BEAST'S QUADRUPLE BARRELS! And don't worry about noobs stealing your gun because they'll just kill themselves by smashing their faces in with the recoil! THE FOOURTH HOOORSEMAAAAAN! BECOME THE CONTROLLER OF ALL THINGS WITH UNIVERSAL REMOTE! SNIPE RAGERS FROM AFAR WITH THIS BEAST OF A JUNKER! ON THIS REMOTE, EVERY BUTTON IS DEEAATH! UNIVERSAAAAL REEEMOOOOOTE! I don't need a backup plan *cocks shotgun* Every plan you make will succeed with NOOO BACKUP PLAAAANS! If you're one of those chumps who needs backup plans, you should try out PLAN C! Plan C is the fusion rifle with a mission and the speed to pull it off! MAKE SURE THAT THE THIRD TIME IS ALWAYS A CHARM BY USING PLAAAAAAN C (that was a long C, not a short one) [spoiler]NERF FUSION RIFLES![/spoiler] Tired of always getting shot down while using Fist of Havoc? Try on HELM OF INMOST LIGHT! BECOME AN UNBREAKABLE ROCKET CRASHING DOWN OUT OF THE SKY WHILE SHOOTING LAZERS OUT OF ITS FAAACE! HEEELM OF INMOOOST LIIIIIGHT! ACLIOPHAGE SYMBIOTE! PUT A PARASITE ON YOUR FACE! YEEAAAAH! Six times the power. Six times the piercing. One third times the shots. Celestial Nighthawk. Only one bullet needed. Black goes with everything. Wear Obsidian Mind. Spam Nova Bombs. Eat your heart out Minecraft. Graviton Forfeit. I don't think anything else needs to be said when you can HAVE FREAKIN' PURPLE FIRE POURING OUT OF YOUR FACE! Do the impossible with Impossible Machines. Become the steampunk. Thagomizers. Man, I love that word. THAGOMIZERS! It's so fun! Put on these massive hunks of metal and beauty to impale your enemies with those totally impractical shoulder spikes while shouting THAAAGOOOOMIIIIZERRRRRS! Welcome to the definition of hardcore: a weapon that drains your life in return for more damage. To make this you stole some dude's blade, tore off part of some screaming chick's dress, and ripped out another guy's heart. And there's someone living in it. TOUCH OF MALICE! Take up this sniper rifle and show your victims that there's NO LAND BEYOND THEIR DEATHS! MAKE THEM RAGE THAT YOU DONT NEED SPECIAL AMMO TO BLOW THEIR BRAINS OUT OF THEIR SKULLS! NOOO LAAAND BEYOOOOND! With this baby it'll be like shooting out sticks of TNT from a pop gun. IF TNT WAS AN EXPLOSIVE PIERCING ROUND AND THE POP GUN WAS A SNIPER RIFLE THAT COULD FIRE HIGH VELOCITY ROUNDS! BLOW EVERYONE UP INTO A MEAT CHUNK RAINBOW THEN TAKE THEIR GOLD! ZEN MEEETEEOOOR! WETHER YOU'RE A BODY SHOTTING NOOB OR A 360 NO SCOPE HEADSHOT KING YOU CANT GO WRONG WITH THIS GUN! BOOLEEAAAAN GEEMIIIINIIII! BECOME A LORD OF THUNDER, FIRE, AND SPACE MAGIC BY WIELDING THUNDERLORD, ABBADON, AND NOVA MORTIS! THEY'LL WRITE SONGS ABOUT HOW YOU KILLED EVERYTHING! RICOCHEEEEET YOU TAKE YOUR AAAIIIM, FIRE AWAY FIRE AWAY, SHOOT YOURSELF, RAGE QUIT THE RAID, USE SLEEPEEERRR SIIIIMULAAAAAAANT (To tune of Titanium) [i]Ahamkara bones are a fashion statement, oh bearer mine…[/i]