“No,” she confessed in a morbid tone, “He’s upset that I didn’t consult him first… that I volunteered without taking into consideration how he felt about me taking the risk of changing not only [i]my life[/i] indefinitely but his too… that I didn’t stop to consider what would happen if we [i]did fail[/i] and what would happen to him if-…” Laila cut herself off before she could say the words again, closed her eyes and clenched her jaw. “And it just [i]hit me[/i] that-” she paused and exhaled with a shrug. “He’s right.” “You feel guilty then?” “I guess that’s part of it, yes…” she replied thoughtfully, “Now I can’t stand the thought of what would happen if something did happen to me… his anguish would be my doing,” she cried quietly as she curled over, and the quiver in her lip returned. “And I didn’t even…” Doctor Larson shook her head and looked toward him. “I see…” she breathed quietly. “But it’s not just that,” she sniffled and took in a deep breath as she snapped her head up. “Looking around, waiting for all this to begin, I’ve realized for the first time that-” Trembling eyes jumped around the lab from one person to the next without following any real pattern or focus as she said quietly in detached tenor, “I’m not needed.” The Doctor’s expression drained briefly but she sighed and disposed of the sorrow before Laila could get a read. Intrusive thoughts or not, she shouldn’t have allowed herself to dwell on lies fabricated by her anxiety. “What’s that supposed to mean? Of course you’re needed.” “This thing that I’ve spent so long working to perfect is about to run for the first time, [i]without[/i] my input,” Laila frowned and set her gaze on the empty chair behind her desk as people walked by without even an instinctual glance to say hello; the Doctor closed her eyes and shook her head in front of her. “I don’t even know why I’m here.” “Yes you do,” she insisted, shook her arm until she turned to look at her, and she smiled sadly. “No one wanted you to volunteer for this, not even Clovis, and we all fought tooth and nail to change your mind-” She hesitated, lifted her shoulders helplessly and chuckled under her breath with a grim smile. “But you wanted to take the risk.” “But… why? [i]Why would I do that[/i]?” she asked in exasperation. “Because you care,” Eva placed a soft hand over one of hers and tilted her head with a reassuring smile. “You’ve seen harmful things come out of research meant to benefit mankind, and you don’t want to be a part of that legacy,” she reminded as she brushed her thumb over her fingers in quiet thought for several moments before she asked, “Do you remember what you said to me the last time I tried to talk you out of this?” If she couldn’t give her answers, maybe she could jog her memory. For the life of her, she couldn’t recall the conversation… probably because she had been too focused or too tired ([i]or both[/i]) to know what was happening; she clenched her hand tight around the edge of the armrest of her chair and unclenched it as she shook her head with a dejected look. “You told me you didn’t become a scientist because it was a smart career choice… you did it because you wanted to know what you were capable of. You didn’t sign onto this project because it was safe, you signed on because the possibilities thrilled you.” The distance in her eyes dissipated just long enough that Eva could see the focus return for a split-second, so she continued. “You volunteered yourself because you were horrified by what happened to Dr. Shirazi’s patients, and swore you wouldn’t let it happen to any of yours. And [i]this[/i]… to be the [i]first[/i] human consciousness to exist as an Exo?” Brows lifted and hand squeezed tight over hers. “You said it was a milestone, something to remember. You were [i]excited[/i] for the opportunity, to make your mark on history, as a forebearer of your work into the far future.” [i]Excited[/i]? Maybe before when she was in the moment and not thinking clearly, but she didn’t want this anymore. Her head shook back and forth, slowly at first, but quickened as she processed her change of heart. “This was foolish of me,” she breathed with panic in her voice as she tried to sit up. “Yes, [i]it was[/i],” she agreed, “But that’s what makes you such a great scientist, and that’s why you’re so important to us-” “No, [i]you don’t understand[/i],” she protested through the tears as Eva furrowed her brow in confusion. “I feel like everything I’ve worked for has been erased, like I didn’t contribute to any of this.” “Laila…” The Doctor’s heart sank heavy like a lead weight, her words confirming her suspicions. “I don’t feel like I’m here anymore… It feels like I’m already gone.” The silence that passed was hollow and pained, dry and unsettling. The clacking of instruments on the countertops and the rolling of carts and chairs, the murmur of voices, and the white noise of the database hub were suddenly so much more clear and sharp, reinforcing the distance the words had just carved between them. It hurt more than she thought it could to hear the finality in her voice, like she had already decided her fate. When she looked up again Laila’s face was empty, resigned to something that hadn’t yet happened. If she didn’t fix this now… Eva steeled her resolve and hardened her voice. “The only reason that would [i]ever happen[/i] would be if [i]you gave up on yourself[/i].” There was a flash of anger that shocked her back into focus, followed by confusion and deep thought, but she was listening now. Really listening, rather than fighting against reason. “We could never forget you, sweetheart. You know that. You’re worth so much more to everyone in this room than who your mind tells you you are when you’re sitting in that chair. Even when you are gone, which won’t be for a very long time… after what we accomplish here today, your achievements will be remembered for hundreds of years to come.” There were tears in her eyes again, but this time they were grateful tears. Hidden beneath the surface sadness was deep, overwhelming gratitude twitching at the corners of her eyes and lips. Eva smiled, the way she always did when she worried about her, and in that moment Laila remembered who she was… to them, to herself, to Clovis Bray… but she wavered. The muscles in her face trembled and she tried to speak, but Eva just moved to brush her tears away with her thumb, smeared them across her cheek, slipped a hand into hers and gave it a gentle squeeze. “Clovis Bray wouldn’t be where it is today without your insight,” she assured, “And that’s why I know we’ll succeed. That’s why I know everything’s going to be alright, because we all know you and we have faith in you. So please… have a little faith in us, and in yourself.” Laila’s hand finally gripped tight around hers and she nodded hard and jagged in response. “Yes Doctor… I will. Thank you for your wisdom and your patience.” “Just take a breath and try not to worry,” she said and presented her with a calming smile, “It’s just like any other day.” Laila’s eyes relaxed and they focused on her face after long last as she went back to doing her final checks. Fingers loosened and the tremors in her arms and back dispelled a little bit at a time as she breathed in cycles. She was starting to come to her senses. Eyes floated around the room once more, but this time she realized how many people were actually watching her, and how concerned they looked. Even the board seemed uncomfortable with her decision to take Cayde’s place, which she deduced by the way they had isolated him at the other end of the observation deck and kept casting him judgmental looks. Her new friend seemed just as uneasy as anyone else, if not a bit more so out of sheer guilt that she was the one strapped to a table, jacked into a server and being harvested of her self-awareness, and not him. But she put the morbid thought out of her head and turned her attention back to Merric, just in time to lock eyes with him as he flashed her a little smile; her heart fluttered, her eyelids faltered with a neediness that radiated from a shy smile as it pulled into her cheeks. She needed to talk to him before they put her under. [i]Come here[/i], she mouthed, at which he blinked expectantly and tilted an ear as if it would help him hear better. [i]Please, I need to talk to you[/i], she tried again; even though he didn’t understand he trotted across the room anyway and wrapped a hand around hers as he set piercing brown eyes on hers and waited for her to speak. A chill raced through her and she forced out a short breath as she curled her fingers into his. How she needed so badly to be held… “Merric I… I wanted to apologize…” she started nervously. “For what?” “For not considering your feelings more seriously…” she explained in a glum tone, “… or at all. I should have listened, I shouldn’t have made this decision on my own.” ([i]Continued in comments[/i])