Evolution is broken… Yes I said it.
Every school kid knows that with evolution the taller animal can pick the fruit off the higher branches of the tree. And therefore the more well nourished animal lives longer and stronger to pass on its genes.
But with Humans, some Scientist thousands of years ago handed evolution its ass when they invented the ladder. Now anyone of any height could pick all the fruit off the tree. So why then do Humans keep getting taller, and taller?
Well we here at Startec labs decided to correct nature’s misdirection by inventing the “Evolutionater Turbo.” A revolutionary device that helps dramatically increase the users intelligence.
Sadly nature is a cruel mistress and always has the last laugh! We made a slight miscalculation…
People tend to forget the second and most important part of evolution which is the whole “Passing on your genetics”
Turns out having superior intellect and being right all the time gives the female population the impression you may have aspergers syndrome just like Sheldon Cooper, which is a huge turn off as most simply find you extremely annoying.
So we at Startec would like to announce our latest invention the “Dumbator 3000.” Which lowers your IQ but instantly increases your sexiness!
Let’s give it a try…*ZAP!*
Ya Boi, nowz I can gets all the grills! Oh wait dis werkx maybe too goode. Why me breathing from mouth yo? Oh wellz YOLO.
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[quote]“This week at Bungie, we’re grading one test and cramming for the next.”[/quote]
[b]*Translation*:[/b] Yeah bringing up school in the middle of summer will let all the kids know how cool I am -DeeJ
[quote]“The Destiny 2 Beta on PlayStation and Xbox is over! Millions of you showed up to stand in the fires of the Tower and fight back”[/quote]
*Translation*: We just like to use the word "Millions" because it sounds fancy and theirs no way you can disprove it....Suckers!
[quote]
If you were one of the brave souls who dove past the drill to infiltrate the Inverted Spire, we thank you from the bottom of our sadistic hearts.[/quote]
[b]*Translation*:[/b] By “sadistic” we mean that we made D2 even worse than D1 on purpose! And how we did we do that? We nerfed everything you love! Even the amount of friends you have. So you’ll just need to learn how to be patient, and wait for your super to charge while you shoot ant giant space sponges with two primary’s.
[quote]“The Crucible was an epic struggle between Market and Rugs. The Farm was so packed for the one hour we tested, we had to coop the chickens.”[/quote]
[b]
*Translation*:[/b] Your new social space is a farm…You know something that you have seen in hundreds of RPG’s before. It’s like we’re not even trying anymore. In fact there’s only one farm and not dozens like most RPG’s. Wait till we rip off having to catch chickens just like Zelda.
[quote]
“All told, this was the biggest Bungie Beta ever, and we’re not even done running eager test subjects through the obstacle course.”[/quote]
[b]*Translation*:[/b] …We refuse to count D1 even though it technically never left BETA.
[quote]
“We learned a lot about how we can improve the launch of Destiny 2 – on consoles, at least.”[/quote]
[b]*Translation*:[/b] Preorders are way down from D1, and we’ve been getting crap reviews…And yet we are still going to NERF this even further.
[quote]“There will come a time for a public analysis of our findings. Before we dare take a victory lap or share statistics”[/quote]
*Translation*: We’ll tell you some BS how this is the most downloaded game in history, and you’ll pretend to believe us. It’s just how our relationship works right? It’s not our fault if you have stockholm syndrome after all these years. But before that we need to get permission from our Activison overlords after the media ban.
[quote]
“PC Community! You are up next. And this will be our first dance. Save the Date.”[/quote]
[b]*Translation*: [/b]blah blah blah PC MASTER RACE.
[quote]Did you hear the one about the new Exotic Weapon that you’ll meet in Destiny 2?[/quote]
[b]*Translation*:[/b] Since the prepays are way down we’re offering you a carrot in the form of a gun. Remember this isn’t “Pay to win” it’s “Pre-Pay to WIN” which is totally different.
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I don't know why, but I thought people's concerns would be addressed in TWAB... They haven't done that in three years so I don't know why I expected them to start now.
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The strike was lame, because I just skipped most of the Cabal, like we do since vanilla, and ran thru the drills again skipping the Cabal. Once you know the drill (pun intended), there is no need to stop. The boss fight was a lame fight of attribution. Nothing new. Will rather do the AoT Omnigul strike instead.
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Whole thing is funny as usual, but you ended on the highest note: [quote]Remember this isn’t “Pay to win” it’s “Pre-Pay to WIN” which is totally different.[/quote] That's gold.
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Pre-Pay to Win confirmed! :D
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I was getting desperate. Bungie keeps talking about how great the beta was and is. I kept reading about how bad it was. I was so confused. Thank you Startec, thank you ASSHAT. Nice twist on evolution!!
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Brilliant, as per.
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The lab delivers again! Too bad you didn't add anything about the D2 fidget spinner for preordering. Perhaps the A.S.S.H.A.T. found it to be too ridiculous... even by its standard? Or perhaps it only does text? We, on the outside, can only wonder about that proprietary tech you crazy cats get to use.
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Quality material, thank you :) Just a random thought out of nowhere, is it possible that Bungie actually intended to call themselves Bungle, but bungled it? Freudian slip? Irony? Thoughts/opinions?
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Loved it! Great Post! Your description of the enemies are spot on. I think my grenade will be recharged by the time of the third DLC that i won't be purchasing.
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Evolution is a lie Force fed to us by our school systems without any basis of evidence other than falsified fossil records and a book of lies written by some delusional old man named Darwin
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Edited by cbrstar: 7/29/2017 4:11:48 AMLuke Smith bought one of our Dumbator 3000's but he still can't get a grill. Maybe it's broken or maybe it's just nature.
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This has got to be the entertaining post I have read thus far. Never have I reread a post again for entertainment purposes, until now. Great work, and all true.
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The team isn't screwing you over on purpose. I know this is supposed to be satire but the amount of people saying this is "spot on" is gross. I appreciate what OP is trying to do here but this isn't helpful to the community or the game in [i]any [/i]way. Bungie is staffed with well-intentioned people who are working hard to make a game that we will all enjoy. They're making mistakes, but that doesn't mean that they're trying to produce a game that you will hate on purpose, that's insane.
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BEST. POST. OF. THE. YEAR.
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👍🏻👍🏻👏🏼👏🏼
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I've been waiting for this
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Damn I love these lol
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Funny as usual, true as usual😃
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As always, I love this!!!
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[quote]So we at Startec would like to announce our latest invention the “Dumbator 3000.” Which lowers your IQ but instantly increases your sexiness!.[/quote] I remember getting zapped by this thing like it was yesterday!
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Yay Bravo ! Well said ^^
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Your analysis is on point as always! They are more fun then D2 ever could be ;)
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You had one job...and you nailed it.
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I died of laughter reading this
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The only scientific analysis I need to know is if i put a flame to my arse and fart, my bum turns into dragons breath.