None of them thought the Traveler could actually fall, so when it did it they were helpless and unprepared. It crumbled over the city, filling the air with debris and smoke. The Jade Rabbit Festival gave way to the day the Traveler fell, they woke early to a strange feeling in the air, and within hours the City had been evacuated. [spoiler]this is both lore breaking and a run on. If you're talking about the fighting amongst warlords, then it can fit... but the Collapse was done with a blackout. Most, if not all, don't remember their previous lives. Refer to the seraph gear. Stick to canon, and avoid the overuse of commas. You can use lore in fanfic, but it needs to be consistent with the game. [/spoiler] Whatever it was, it was a monster. [spoiler]overuse of "it"... also strange wording[/spoiler] Eliksni flesh pierced with Vex technology, a glowing orb nestled its chest. [spoiler]this may be a fragment, which are okay to use but (style wise) normally come after a few long sentences to break it up in the reader's head[/spoiler] They didn't stand a chance against it. The bruise on Finnala's cheek was brilliant purple and black, her helmet shattered from the impact in the battle against the creature. [spoiler]bad wording. If you're specific about when, and what strike shattered it, it would develop more of a concept for how the battle went, and could provide some good character building [/spoiler] But this time they knew where it was going, so he kissed her goodbye and set out with Weyloran to scope out the area and see exactly what they were dealing with. [spoiler]you go from speaking only about fin, to talking about the group as a whole again. That's a bit confusing. Who knew where what was going? You force the reader to deduce the name of the character you're talking about, since you're jumping around. If you're trying to develop romantic ties between two characters, have them in a specific dialogue, or at least mention their names in the same paragraph. Also, the reason I say melodramatic, is because (despite their ghosts ability to res) you're making it seem like this is the last they see of each other, when we actually know the demise of both guardians. Again, stick to canon.[/spoiler] They found where it kept the lost Light of the Traveler and tried to figure out how they could take it back. [spoiler] it being as fused vex\fallen monster? Instead of it, describe the monster again. [/spoiler] And when he got back to blood on the floor and the door swinging on broken hinges, all he knew was dread. [spoiler]sentence makes no sense. I think you're trying to say, "when he arrived, he saw blood on the floor as the door swung open on broken hinges, and he became filled with dread." You may have been trying to be stylistic, but you still have to adhere to grammar. The "all he knew" part sounds cool, but doesn't work within the sentence itself. [spoiler] He found Tormod outside the City in the mountains peppered with the early rise of snow. [spoiler]no longer with weyloran? Is weyloran the pool of blood above? You're jumping around without being specific enough.[/spoiler] The river cut down the mountain all around them where her blood had drained to. Tormod stood over her, red on his hands, her Ghost in his palm; standing over her like a boy proud of his first kill. [spoiler]so, now we know it was her blood. It seems the never named guardian goes to fin, leaves her, then finds her again with tor standing over her like he was responsible for her death. We have documented how the majority of the iron lords and wolves died, so Im guessing you're not following canon. You seem to be jumping between story arcs, one being the fallen/vex being and the other being fin's death at the hands of tor. Stick to one, hint at the other, but never spin two tales at once unless they're completely separate, and show parallels of character creation and life events. Normally when writers do this, the stories merge halfway or near the end of the arc. [/spoiler] This is why I didn't want to answer you.