[b]Dad (Warlock)
Mom (Hunter)
Sarah (Daughter/Titan)
Tim (Son, has yet to become a guardian)[/b]
*Family sitting at a table*
Dad: So, how was your day?
Mom: Great, I finally got that cloak I ordered!
Dad: That's wonderful! How about you Sarah?
Sarah: It was alright, I'm just about ready to start taking B-class missions.
Dad: That's my girl!
Mom: We're really proud of you dear!
Sarah: Thanks
Dad: What about you Tim? How was your day? Have you looked into anything you want to be?
Tim: You know dad, I think I may want to be a Cryptarch!
*Dad begins choking of food*
Mom: *Hits Dad on the back a couple times while Sarah laughs*
Sarah: Haha Nice going Timmy!
Tim: What did I do!?
Dad: *Stops choking and thanks Mom* I'm sorry about that Tim, I probably didn't hear you right, could you repeat that?
Tim: I said I wanted to be a Cryptarch.
*Silence*
*Mom's Ghost appears and whispers something to her*
Mom: Well it looks like I'm being sent out on another Patrol. I'm really happy for you Tim! *Mom quickly leaves*
Sarah: That reminds me, I'm supposed to be training today sooo...Bye! *Quickly heads out the door*
Dad:...
Tim:...
Dad: So you wanna be a Cryptarch eh?
Tim: Yeeaaah?
Dad: SO YOU WANNA PUT GUARDIANS SUCH AS YOUR FATHER ON SUICIDE WATCH?
Tim: N-NO!
Dad: WELL THAT'S WHAT A CRYPTARCH DOES!!
Tim: But-
Dad: Look at your sister! She is respected! She is loved by people and guardians alike! A Cryptarch is neither loved nor respected by either! I will not have MY SON be some bastard that rewards people's hard work with gear not even worthy of a thrall! I did not go around doing bounties and opening chest for 50 years for you to be a CRYPTARCH!
Tim: But daaaaaad
Dad: NO BUTS! You are going to GUARDIAN SCHOOL, and you are going to be A WARLOCK!
Tim:...Fine!
Dad: *Mutters to self* wants to be a cryptarch, how ridiculous!
[b](Fast forward several hundred years to the present)[/b]
*A Hunter, Titan, and Warlock sitting around a Campfire*
Hunter: And THAT my dearest Titan is how Warlocks became a class!
Titan: *Talking with mouth full* Whoooa! WHat happen to Tim?
Hunter: No one knows but rumor has it that somewhere out in the outer systems there is a Warlock who decryptes engrams and rewards Guardians with the most powerful gear in existence!
Warlock: That is the biggest load of shit I have ever heard in my life!
Hunter: I think it's true.
Titan: Is that why you're so moody all the time? You wanted to be a Cryptarch?
Warlock: What? NO!! I'm not even in the STORY! AND I'M NOT MOODY!
Hunter: But you wanted to be a Cryptarch! Every Warlock wanted to be a Cryptarch at one point!
Warlock: HUUUNTER!!
Hunter: Oh shit! *Just barely dodges a fireball*
*Warlocks chases Hunter around the campfire while throwing fireballs at him*
Edit: Ho...ly...Shit. I was not expecting this to be a trending thing lol
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I can definitely See That Titan at the end being me.
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T'was hilarious
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It's really sad to see people thinking this is original. I guess there's not many day 1 guardians left around these forums....
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Then you start your cryptarch conditioning and training. It starts with a lever. Every time you pull it, you get exactly what you want 100% of the time. You also get kicked on the balls. You are required to pull the lever 100,000 times and then another lever is added. You now have a choice of pulling the first lever, or the second, which gives you exactly what you want 70% of the time, or something useless. If you get exactly what you wanted, you get kicked in the balls. After the second lever is pulled 100,000 times, a third lever appears with the same mechanic, but at 50%. Then, a new lever at 30%, 10%, 5%, 1%. After 100,00 lever pulls on the 1% lever, a cryptarch is now properly conditioned to genuinely fear decrypting anything useful. [spoiler]Also, whenever that one in a million drop happens that gives you exactly what you wanted, rejoice further in the knowledge that a cryptarch just got kicked in the balls.[/spoiler]
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Tim must be... [spoiler]Osiris😱[/spoiler]
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This might be the best forum post I've ever seen😂
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Rahool was colorblind, thats all.
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You summoned me?
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Your post got gangked by some one on an Amino app, he's a repeat offender of stealing post from Bungie, just FYI http://aminoapps.com/p/ofpyzm
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I can totally see my hunter telling the story and being chased by the raging warlock! 😂 Reminds me so much of me and friends though
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Edited by TheW1ngedHussar: 11/5/2016 10:33:48 PMDad, just killed his son Put a gun on Tim's head, Pulled the trigger now Tim's dead. Daddy, Tim had just begun.
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Bump for later :v
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My most hated is when you have a blue or purple and the item he gives you is a mote of light. <_<
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one of the best posts i ever read, awesome piece of history right here.
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Edited by Tunnelslap: 11/5/2016 4:53:25 AMTim is XÜR....
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[quote]Edit: Ho...ly...Shit. I was not expecting this to be a trending thing lol[/quote] Bullshit. You knew you made a piece of comedic gold you beautiful bastard.
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Maybe we get cryptarchs when a warlock survives an encounter and their Ghost doesn't. And we get Eris Morn when that happens with Hunters.
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I don't think I should be a warlock. I always wanted to be the bartender for the bar that for some reason has no bartender.
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Damn, son! You're really hatin' on the Thralls.
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I remember when this post had 4 comments :,)
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That's why I became a hunter folks
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Bump.
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You should put more time into the game instead of writing this bs.
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This is amazing
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That deserves a bump.