Welcome to another Unofficial Weekly Update! While you wait for the official update to drop, here is a little something to sink your teeth into! Today's poll: Should Chroma and Ornaments have their own iPad in the Tower? After an awful interview last week, I was firmly resolved that this week I would get an interview that I wanted. Originally, I wanted to do Aksis, but due to a scheduling conflict, he was unable to return this week, but I did manage to secure another character I think you all will be happy to see! Today I bring you the one and only Vosik, Archpriest of the Wrath of the Machine Raid! [b]Vosik! Good to have you here, thanks for coming![/b] ~fiddles with phone~ [b]Uhhh...Vosik...?[/b] Hang on I'm catching a Magikarp... [b]Really? Now?[/b] Do you have any idea how...F***! See?! You screwed it up...it got away. What do you want?? [b]To ask you some questions for the readers...? You know, the interview that you -[/b] Right, right. Gotcha. Which was more important than catching a Margikarp...how? [b]You agreed to be here![/b] And that was a f***ing Magikarp! Those don't just grow on trees, you know?! I need 400 fricken candies to get a Gyara- [b]Look can we just get on with the interview please?[/b] Look, I need to catch 400 damn Magikarps and grind them up into candy so that I can feed it all to one of them and make a Gyarados...you humans have some f***ed up games... [b]...I'm sorry?[/b] Man, what kind of sick shit race plays games where you catch a bunch of innocent animals, enslave them, force them to fight until they pass out and then grind them up into candy to feed to other ones in order to force them to mutate?! [b]Well, when you put it that way...[/b] Kinda screwed up... [b]Well, to be fair, you chop off the limbs of your troops and replace them with cybernetics and you shoot your own troops to send messages so...[/b] And your point is...? I'm talking about a game, and you're talking about real life; two totally different things. ~continues to tap on phone~ [b]Riiight. Okay, so how exactly did you become the Archpriest of the Splicers?[/b] Well, Aksis is my old man, so I kinda got the job because he was all like, “You need to do something with your life other than play those stupid video games.” I was like, “Dad, I'm MLG yo,” and he was like, “Nah, you're lazy. Get a job.” And here I am. [b]That would explain the monitors...[/b] Yeah, that's my game room. I do a lot of streaming from there. I have screens to monitor my chat, screens to play my game, and screens that execute scrub noobs who think they can invade my shit and get away with it. I also use a mouse and keyboard because it's meta. [b]It's meta...?[/b] Look, you gotta be meta to be MLG yo. [b]What's it like working with your father?[/b] Eh... [b]That's it...?[/b] Yup. ~looks back at phone~ [b]Hey, so uh, you wanna put that away? I'm trying to-[/b] GOD! What?? I have followers I have to respond to you know! You can't be MLG like me and not respond to your followers! See? Look at this! I have priorities! [b]Why did you even come here if all you planned to do was stare at your phone?[/b] GOD! My Dad always says that, what are you, like his flunkie or something? [b]Well it's kind of rude to be on your phone when people are talking to you.[/b] And it's kind of rude to interrupt me when I'm doing things on my phone. [b]What are you doing anyway?[/b] Just caught a Sandshrew. [b]You know what, I think we're done here.[/b] Cool. Oh hey, do you think you could give me a shoutout on your update? Tell people to follow me at [b]NO. Jesus ~rubs temples~[/b] Xur showed up at the Tower last week, bringing his usual assortment of exotic curios. For the weapon, he brought with him the powerful Thunderlord. Considered the king of machine guns by many (though the Nemesis Star is quickly taking that title), it is one of the famous year one exotic heavies that was coveted by many. For Titans, he brought the Thagomizers, guantlets that allow a Titan to have an extra melee charge and get a freebie on amplify. For Squishmittens, he brought Shinobu's Vow so that they could pretend to be strong and punch more. It also gave them better Skip Grenades...because THOSE needed to be better. For Warlocks he brought the Light Beyond Nemesis, a helmet sometimes used in Trials for faster revive times. Also, it generates a whole extra orb when supers are cast. Because orbs. A player who wishes to remain nameless has achieved the feat of running the Wrath of the Machine raid using a Squishmitten with Blink and No Land Beyond. The player has said that this now means that he has run Blink and No Land Beyond on every single mission, Raid and Patrol on the game. It is expected that Squishmittens would consider this a feat; the rest of us are scratching our heads and asking “why?” The fireteam leader was quoted as saying “Bhard, put that shit away!” Whoops. Unnamed... Anyway, it was a cool moment. Many who watched the Bungie Bounty stream were treated to an Easter Egg code. Many thought that the code would actually do something, and many spent as much time as they could muster trying to figure out what it did. Some said it would unlock a new weapon. Others, armor. Some even said that it would finally eradicate Squishmittens from the world of Destiny. Okay, I said that, but whatever. In the end, it was revealed by Deej that the code was nothing more than an Easter Egg. Bummer. The newest Destiny Strike, The Wretched Eye, has been beaten in 2:32. That's right. Two minutes, and thirty-two seconds. I mean, it takes me that long to open my menu and pick my guns for the strike. It is quite an impressive video, and watching the boss get melted at the end is satisfying. Because that boss is a miserable, awful and tedious experience. I mean, who the hell figured the Ogre should be able to move that fast, and be immune, and be a one hit kill and...just ugh. Anyway, watch it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGiCx5DHV6w. Bungie, if this isn't MotW, I don't know what is! Last week, you forumites voted the Titan as the best PvE class! In one of the most voted for polls in the history of UwU, the Titans came out on top by a landslide! It seems that the Ward of Dawn is the swing factor, being able to buff team damage or provide a boost to life when needed for those sticky situations. Congrats to Titans for being number 1 on the Destiny forums! The Heroic Raid comes out next week and many are chomping at the bit to get in there and put foot to Aksis' Glado's/Spider Queen impersonating ass. There has been a lot of speculation as to what light level will be required, but many think 385 will be the minimum to start. As always there will be a race to the finish line for the dubious bragging rights of being the first to clear the hard raid. So far, a new ship and shader have been revealed in the Tower iPads, and the upgraded gear will be “spliced.” A ghost has also been spoiled online. One player was quoted as saying, “I hope this raid is harder this time, normal mode is too easy.” Another player said, “...hard mode is coming out and my fireteam still can't even beat Aksis...” The heroic raid is the ultimate challenge available in Destiny if you don't count going flawless in Trials, using No Land Beyond in the raid, or trying to get an answer out of Bungie. I for one, cannot wait to try it out. That's all we have time for this week Guardians! As always, thank you for reading and remember to keep those guns piping hot and those Strange Coins handy! I'll see you in the wild!