Here at Startec Labs, creator of the world leading A.S.S.H.A.T (Anti Spin Super Hyper Advanced Translator). Just hit a milestone in our company’s history… We caught our very first British Secret Agent trying to infiltrate our organization! I was quite excited for the mental game of chess with finally a worthy adversary, and to see which one of the interns would be gullible enough to fall for his charms. Finally face to face with the man, well he wasn’t quite what I expected… Instead of the classic lines like “Shaken not stirred” we got “Oi der gov’s, mighty posh place you’ve got’s ere, I reckon you must do mighty well” Or looking at our 52 foot control monitor “Can you get the footy match on ere? England’s in the finals” or worse yet when we showed him our carnivorous monkeys with flame throwers. All he said was “Well I’ll be a monkeys Uncle, funny looking little fella’s aren’t they?” He didn’t even attempt to escape! All he did was lay around drinking beer and eating chips, trying to get the Soccer match on our mission monitor. In the end we sort of just let him “go”…OK we asked him politely to leave. In which he thanked us for our hospitality, and if we were ever in Manchester to look him up. I have to say, why is the quality of absolutely everything not what it used to be these days? ============================================================================ [quote][i] “And by “vacation,” we mean “attending the largest consumer convention in the world.” Our destination is Germany. Our mission is gamescom. Contained within our strange cargo are unknown elements of Rise of Iron. We’re about to rub elbows with hundreds of thousands of gamers to seek out the Guardians among them.”[/i][/quote] [b]*Translation*[/b] We’re going to gamescom in search of the few of you still playing Destiny, or haven’t joined the PC Master Race…It’s the only place left in Germany you can use the phrase “Master Race” without raising a few eyebrows. [quote][i]“Citizens of Europe, we can’t wait to see you again! It’s been too long (just over a year, if you’ve been counting). When last we moved among you through the packed halls of the Koelnmesse, a distress call had summoned us to investigate Phobos. This time, we’ll be ascending Felwinter Peak.”[/i][/quote] [b]*Translation*: [/b]Announcing Rise of Iron, showing the Gwing, you could buy a plane ticket but it might be cheaper to buy a subscription to game informer. [quote][i] “If you can place yourself at gamescom, do come and see us. We’ll be in the Sony booth. That’s in Hall 7, as if you had to guess. Destiny will be playable – but we won’t yet say what you’ll be able to play. Nevertheless, queue up to get your hands on a controller.”[/i][/quote] [b]*Translation*: [/b]We’ll let you play the first 3 mins of Rise of Iron, but not quite enough to let you make a informed decision if you want to purchase the game…Besides this isn’t the late 90’s and we’re not Blockbuster, you’ve got to buy it to play it. [quote][i]“Every great adventure deserves a Clan to help blaze the trail. We’ve assembled a delegation of brave souls to carry the message forward. Check out the official roster for our away team.”[/i][/quote] [b]*Translation*:[/b] Here are the guys, who are specially trained not to pull a Luke Smith! Funny how most of them have actual real life names, but the last two are clearly made up. But is there anyone under 40 making games anymore? I hope not. [quote] [i]“Those are the more visible players, but we’ll be traveling with some teammates who wield the magic behind the scenes. Their super-serious mission objectives demand their anonymity. As for us spokespersons? Seek out our appearances in interviews all week long. We’ll be jetlagged, so there’s no telling what details we might let slip.”[/i][/quote] [b]*Translation*: [/b]Oh Luke we still love ya, bad publicity is still free publicity am I right? [quote][i] “All summer long, we’ve been hinting at Crucible reveals that are yet to come. That time has almost arrived. Yet, no matter what you love most about Destiny, we’ll have some more details for you to devour. This reveal is for every Guardian.”[/i][/quote] [b]*Translation*: [/b]If you watch the stream and then pre-order right away, we’ll give you a shiny new black Ghorn and Gwing for FREE! [quote][i] “The sole surviving Iron Lord will keep the fires burning while we’re away. Saladin will have a fistful of Bounties to help you get into character. You’ll need to be vigilant to cash them in.”[/i][/quote] [b]*Translation*:[/b] Sole surviving *spoiler alert*, wait wasn’t Lord Shaxx some kind of Iron Lord? Who knows as we keep re-writing the script on a whim. But don’t worry about that for now, just worry how you’re going to manage to get all those throwing knife kills in our ever increasingly difficult bounties. [quote][i]“It’s a straight-up shooting match. We know you won’t break the rules. There aren’t any. The only constants are victory, defeat, and sweet loot.”[/i][/quote] [b]*Translation*:[/b] We’re not banning cheaters and lag switchers, because they’re paying customers too! And we need all the customers we can get right now. Instead of crying about it, learn how to solder, or convince your parents to stop watching Netflix. Oh BTW, here’s some stuff to waste your time trying to get, because we’re just going to nerf it in month when Rise of Iron comes out. [quote][i]“Don’t arrive on Felwinter Peak wearing anything but armor fit for an Iron Lord. This is one of your last chances to gear up, or level up what you’ve got before you venture into the Plaguelands. If you need a Fireteam, start making friends.”[/i][/quote] [b]*Translation*: [/b] Guess what two things about you that has in common? Both RNG and people don’t like you! It’s not our fault you have no friends, and you’ve been playing over a year unable to raid… [quote][i] “House Rules: No combat in a construction site! If you’re still playing at 10:00 AM, we’ll probably have to kick you to orbit. It’s nothing personal. Fortunately, you can spend the downtime with us on our gamescom Livestream.”[/i][/quote] [b]*Translation*: [/b]We just said “no rules” and now suddenly there are rules and we know you’re feeling confused. Don’t worry, as this is just a cleaver ruse to increase our stream viewership even if it means depraving you of your ability to play Destiny. [quote][i]“We did not. These are the machinations of progress. Sometimes, everything happens all at once. Do us a huge favor and help spread the word, though. There will always be Guardians who don’t receive this warning.”[/i][/quote] [b]*Translation*:[/b] No we just managed to plan almost 6 months in advance when we will be able to live stream from another country allowing for the time zone difference, and get the exact time slot for the venue that many other company’s need to use to present, exactly when we’re doing an update…It’s a miracle! Space magic does happen! =====================================================================