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5/11/2016 12:55:09 PM
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How to become a successful screenwriter in 6 easy steps

Step 1: Come up with a simple premise for a crime thriller show that revolves around a niche division of law enforcement. If you can't find one that looks interesting enough, make one up. Step 2: Write in a few character tropes that are extremely played out, but don't do it in any kind of humorous manner. No matter how stereotypical the line, it must be dead serious when it's stated. Comic relief is your enemy. Step 3: Spend all of season 1 introducing all of the characters and every detail of the premise you came up with in Step 1 slowly and in excruciating detail between the interchangeable criminals, which are ironically the only original characters on the show if you wrote it well enough. Step 4: Midway through season 2, panic about how you have nothing else to introduce, and start playing around with cringy character development and office relationships. Make sure to add as much panicking about the danger the future romantic interests of each character get put in. Do this until the end of season 4 or 5, depending on how well your idiot audience receives the terrible pseudo-romances you wrote in. Step 5: Jump straight into a gore and violence gimmick for your show for Season 5 or 6, depending on when you ran out of ways for cops to fall in love with each other between the endless streams of corpses. The criminals will do increasingly over-the-top things to psychologically scar anyone watching the show for life. Step 6: When your fanbase starts to decline, abandon the show immediately. Leave an interim writer in your place to bleed the fanbase dry while you continue to make revenue from your intellectual property rights. Retire with a pile of money. Simple tips: -Never get your ideas from actual police officers, lawyers, judges, military officials, psychologists, or anyone with actual experience in what you're writing about. The simple truth is that over-the-top crimes that are often portrayed on cop shows happen far too rarely for you to get any reliable material. Try getting ideas from either the deeply scarred guy who works in IT and can't form healthy relationships with anyone, or the housewife who is too bored to do anything other than come up with creative ways to murder her husband. -Never get too close to the other writers and the actors. This makes Step 6 a lot harder, and allows other people who work with you to pull the same shit before you can. -Keep the theme song short and basic. Your target audience won't be able to actually process intelligently written music. That's all! Now, you all know how to have a successful career in television!

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