If you followed our broadcast last week, you’ll have learned about one of our past failures the “Asshat-Cadet”. Well the 60’s were a rough time here at Startec Labs, and now the files have become declassified we thought we share one of our other “Oops” We accidentally nuked Venus…Yes, oops indeed! On March 3rd 1964 19:00hrs GMT. NASA detected a strange signal emanating from Venus. Many of the world’s top Scientists, and Linguistics were brought in to decipher the encrypted message to no avail. But thankfully due to our corporate presence at the 1964 world’s fair, we were approached by NASA to see if we could apply our ASSHAT (Anti Spin Super Hyper Advanced Translator) and crack the Alien code! The repeated 15 seconds of incoherent beeps and bops translated to a single phrase “Peace & Love” What could this be? Was this simply the automated ramblings of a long lost Alien civilization? Or some advanced Alien weapon warning system? It was also no coincidence that no sooner NASA had started monitoring the signal that youth across the world, were starting to grow their hair long, wear tie-die t-shirts, and worse of all partake in recreational drug use. All while raving about a “Peace & Love revolution” NASA decided that they had to send an expedition to Venus, to find out the truth, to find out what was really there. But how, they didn’t have the budget or the technology? Meanwhile youth everywhere were getting more, and more groovy! Realizing that our ASSHAT technology was more advanced than anything they had ever seen, they contracted us to help come up with a solution. (Continued Below) ========================================================================= [quote]“This week at Bungie we visited the new Crucible.”[/quote] [b]*Translation*: [/b]As we slapped every PVE player in the face. [quote]“A merry (and extremely deadly) band of Warlocks assembled to make war behind the scenes. Through their battles, we sampled the new combat sandbox.”[/quote] [b]*Translation*:[/b] Despite the class crushing Nerfs coming the only one truly needed is that guy grinning in the pic as he does the “Tebow” …It’s not 2011 anymore! The other guy on the left...”PLEASE DON’T KILL ME, I SWEAR I TASTE HORRIBLE!” [quote] “Aside from giving you new things to do and new things to earn, the April Update will change the way you fight. Special and Heavy Ammunition will appear on the battlefield less frequently, and (in some cases) you may be carrying less of it.”[/quote] [b]*Translation*: [/b] NERF da Ammo -Check! NERF da Ability to complete raids & P.O.E -Check! [quote]“Reviving your teammates will require some more strategic decision making on your part.”[/quote] [b]*Translation*: [/b] NERF da revives! -CHECK! [quote]“Weapons have gone back to the workbench”[/quote] [b]*Translation*: [/b] NERF da Guns again! –Double CHECK! [quote]“Warlocks will display some nuanced shifts in their talents.”[/quote] [b]*Translation*: [/b] NERF da Warlock talents…err ”Delete Warlock talents” –Fist bump CHECK! “Duhhr, I John Wienski BEST DEV EVA! Da long term employment at Bungie all but guaranteed! –CHECK!” [quote] “Did you miss the explosive demonstration? Pour yourself a nice glass of room temperature water, settle in, and watch the space magic fly through the air.”[/quote] [b]*Translation*: [/b] Hopefully all those tin hat conspiracy theorists are right, and the extra fluoride intake will make you “Calmer”, “Happier” and more ”Suggestible” to our new great ideas! …If not all least you’ll have really strong teeth. [quote]“If you want more details on how your guns are changing (and we know you do), our virtual gunsmith has you covered. Whenever Senior Designer Jon Weisnewski subjects the arsenal to a design pass, he goes to great lengths to invite you into his process. Check out his full write up – stats and all.”[/quote] [b]*Translation*: [/b] Duuurhp, Jon Weisnewski #makeDestinygreatagain!! Just click this link to support https://www.bungie.net/en/News/Article/44577/7_Destiny-Weapon-Tuning--April-Update (Actually don’t, it will either make you angry or depressed. Or some of you fluoride drinkers excited” [quote]“The Taken will be waiting. Your fight with them is not over.”[/quote] [b]*Translation*[/b]: That is unless you didn’t buy TTK, in that case your fight with them was over back in September. [quote]“This weekend, fans of fantastical entertainment will journey through space and time to Seattle. They will bring with them their passion for epic struggles between heroes and villains. The gathering is in our own back yard, so we wouldn't miss it for the world.”[/quote] [b]*Translation*: [/b] Hopefully this will distract from all the game enhancing Nerfs we mentioned…You know what else goes good with Tap Water? Prozac, and lots of it! [quote] “If you find yourself strutting those halls, whether you're in a kick ass costume or not, there will be some attractions to enable you to connect with Bungie and Destiny.”[/quote] [b]*Translation*: [/b]Notice how Bungie employees never dress up at these sorta things? Cause we’re better than that NERDS!!!! [quote]“If you want to collect for yourself a souvenir or gear up in proper con attire, we’ll be staffing a Bungie Store booth in the Sheraton Ballroom all weekend long! Come browse our wares.”[/quote] [b]*Translation*:[/b] *COUGH* *COUGH* Buy our stuff like the infamous $200+ 1/6 Titan doll… Or if you’re just thirsty, we have a wide variety of $20 collector editions of Bungies very own bottled tap water. “Mmm tastes like Luke Smith pee’d in the sink himself” [quote]“They’re back… Did you miss our Men In Kilts?”[/quote] [b](editor’s note)[/b]….”No” [quote]“Every year, these brave warriors join the Bungie Foundation to battle illness and suffering.”[/quote] [b]*Translation*: [/b] They also like to battle each other “AS THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!” [quote]“It’s a cause we love to support, and an event we love to dominate”[/quote] [b]*Translation*:[/b] Err wait…I thought these were Kilts and not Dresses. Ba dum tiss! [quote]“That’s not all the Bungie Foundation is up to. If you want to join us making the world a better place, you’re invited.”[/quote] [b]*Translation*: [/b]Unless you didn’t buy TTK, because obviously you’re too cheap and stingy just to “give” money away. [quote]“Check out the full update. You might even net yourself an in-game Destiny reward.”[/quote] [b]*Translation*: [/b] RNG in real life YO! But it ain’t gambling if it’s for charity! *wink* Wink* ============================================================================= That solution was ATOMIC ROCKET POWER! Yes in only 2 years we had designed and built the first Atomic powered rocket ship, enabling space flight to Venus in mere days, and not months or years. On September 6th 1967 it finally launched. TLDR-2. But someone forgot to carry the 1, (You can blame Malphisto). And on September 27th our ARS (Atomic Rocket of Science) suddenly turned into the first IGBM (Intergalactic Ballistic Missile) unleashing a force of 40 megatons onto the surface of Venus, and obliterating any trace of the Alien signal. Seven servicemen & women died that day, and maybe some aliens… But the sadist loss was “Crinkles the Space Chimp” you will be missed little buddy, you will be missed. Obviously NASA was more than upset that we nuked one the first signs of alien life, and to this day disavow any knowledge of Startec Labs…. The Army on the other hand was more than delighted with our ARS, and immediately placed an order for 50 more to be made. So you win some, and you lose some. Those 50 rockets are probably just rusting away somewhere. But neither the less at least we fixed the whole “Hippy” problem. …Well sorta.