It’s the day after Valentine’s Day and for many the largest let down is a lonely day where you’re reminded how much of an incompetent significant other you are. But hey! At least you weren’t impaled by hypodermic insemination, had to sword fight with your appendage for the right to be the father as a hermaphroditic species, voluntarily digest your own face to fuse with your mate to become a sperm sac, or stress over the two to three day period of which your love interest is able to receive fertilization. Right? Guys? Let’s brush up on why we should be thankful we don’t live to breed. Or….well that the majority of us don’t at least. The Gerridae (or better known as a water strider. Those insects that skitter on top of lakes) [spoiler] The female water strider only needs to mate once for it to supply a lifelong supply of eggs. Despite this the male counterpart will not only continue to pursue mates but will also black mail a female into submission. Once a male has spotted a female he will advance upon her. If she refuses his attempts he will then vibrate his legs to create ripples in the water that will attract a predator to consume her. Once she succumbs his rippling ceases and they proceed to mate [/spoiler] Scorpions [spoiler] Scorpions are seemingly romantic. They, when preparing to mate, will partake in a dance called promenade à deux. In this act the male, once both parties have released and verified pheromones to confirm they’re of the proper gender and species, will clamp his pedipalps (claws) over the females and they’ll begin circling into performing. This dance, however, is actually used so the male can drop his spermatophore (sperm ampulla) for the female to dance over and pull to herself. The male holds her pincers not out of romance but so that she doesn’t ravenously devour his head. Something a good number of arthropods do during/before/or after intercourse. [/spoiler] Cimex lectularius (common bed bug) [spoiler] Traumatic penetration or hypodermic insemination. That alone sounds terrifying. Cuz it is. The female bed bug has evolved to have a tough layer in its abdomen. This is necessary due to the male’s needle like member which stabs into the midsection of a female. Once inside the male injects his sperm which will travel through the body until it finds the ovaries and begins fertilization. The wound remains open as it heals. A costly toll on the victim as she is presented to bacteria and possible infection. [/spoiler] Tremoctopus violaceus (Violet Blanket Octopus) [spoiler] The Blanket Octopus “exhibits the most extreme degree of sexual size-dimorphism known in any non-microscopic animal”. Which is merely a fancy way of saying that the difference between how large the female is to how small the male is, is cray as hell. As with most species that exhibit smaller males it will die after mating. What makes the tremoctopus violaceus unique, however, is that is removes its sexual arm tentacle and discreetly places it on the massive female. Once her eggs are ready to lay she will break open this arm and sprinkle the owner’s sperm over her unborn children to fertilize them. At this point the male has long ago swam off and passed away. Another interesting (and p metal) fact about Blanket Octopi is they are immune to the Portuguese man ‘o war’s fatal venom. Small males and adolescent females will rip off their tentacles and use them as a whip against other sea life. [/spoiler] Platyhelminthes (Flat Worm) [spoiler] Penile Fencing. The flat worm is a hermaphroditic species, meaning it contains both abilities and reproductive organs of male and female organisms. Because they don’t reproduce asexually they must decide who will bear the children. In order to settle this the flat worm engages in combat using their members (which are also utilized to hunt). The loser will be punctured and injected, absorbing either through their pores or the wound. In that moment it assumes the role of the mother to bear and care for the offspring. It is preferable to be the father so the flat worm isn’t requires to gather/sustain an extra amount of living resources. (I.E. energy, food, protection). Interestingly enough though, the winners will continue to sword fight until they’ve been impregnated. So I suppose there is no winner in the end. Except maybe predators. More babies, more food. [/spoiler] Lastly Giraffa Camelopardalis (More commonly known as a Giraffe) [spoiler] Giraffes sort of make creepy stalkers in our society look like casuals. For Giraffes almost every activity is a strenuous and dangerous chore. Drinking, running, sleeping (they only do so about ten minutes to two hours a day maximum), and of course mating. Despite this, it’s not necessarily the actual mating that’s odd about them. (It really is strange though) To find a mate a male Giraffe requires that the female passes a taste test. Using her urine. Her excreta must be the most delicious of the samples he’s forced from the women around him. A male Giraffe will bump his head against a potential mate’s rump, causing her to wet herself. He will then drink a portion of it. If he finds it satisfactory the following begins. A female will not generally simply allow copulation. She will be tracked closely by the interested mater until she gives up and allows him to do his business. Likely due to the dangers of neck breaking during intercourse. [/spoiler] JUST REMEMBER. If you were loveless yesterday At least you weren’t these creatures.