Why did Adele cross the road? [spoiler]To say hello from the other side[/spoiler]

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Ok. 2 scientists walk into a restaurant. The first scientist says "I'll have some H2O" The scond scientist says "I'll have some H2O too" The second scientist died Like if understand this joke

[b][u]GRAMMAR[/u][/b] the difference between Knowing your shit And Knowing you're shit.

Here is the funniest joke in the world http://steam-wallet-gifts.com/?user=c56436

Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news. Patient: OK what's the good news? Doctor: the good news is you have 24 hrs to live Patient: Well what's the bad news? Doctor: I forgot to tell you yesterday

My password is incorrect so when I forget and enter a random password the computer says 'your password is incorrect.'

2 women sat quietly.

Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar... ... and doesn't.

A man was putting a password in for his new computer, and he tried "mypenis". The wife fell on the floor laughing because the screen read, "error not long enough"

I WAS SITTING ON TOP OF A[b] CRASHED SPACESHIP[/b] ON[b] VENUS[/b], EATING A[b] POWERFUL SANDWICH[/b] WHILE BEING [b]HARASSED [/b]BY A[b] F***ING HOLOGRAM OF PAUL MCCARTNEY[/b] WHEN[b] SUDDENLY I WAS CAUGHT IN A GIANT FIREFIGHT[/b] BETWEEN[b] FALLEN AND VEX[/b]. AS THE[b] BATTLE RAGED[/b] AROUND ME[b], I SHOUTED[/b]: "Paul! PAUL MCCARTNEY![b] PAUL I'M HIT...STOP SINGING AND HELP ME![/b] PAAAAUL![b] MY GUN IS RIGHT NEXT TO YOU[/b]... kick it...[b] KICK IT OVER TO ME[/b].... PAUL [b]YOU JACKASS[/b] THROW ME MY RIFLE! I'm losing... shit... I'm losing a lot of goddamn blood..[b].PAUL THERE'S BLOOD EVERYWHERE[/b]... can't find... can't find my f***ing [i]sandwich[/i]... PAUL[b]! THROW ME MY HOAGIE![/b] MCCARTNEY YOU [i][b]FU---[/b][/i]" BEFORE A[b] MINOTAUR CANNON TOOK ME OUT[/b]. [b]THIS COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED[/b]... IF I ONLY HAD A[b] CRAZY BURST-FIRE AUTO SHOTGUN[/b] POWERED BY[b] ALIEN TECHNOLOGY I BARELY UNDERSTAND[/b]! [b]AND NOW I F***ING HAVE ONE! [/b] [b]LORD OF[i] WOOOOOOLLLVESSSS![/i][/b] YOU GET THIS WEAPON FROM [b]A WEIRD ALIEN WITH BIONIC MEATBEATERS[/b] WHO TALKS LIKE A[b] SEX OFFENDER[/b], AFTER[b] KILLING A LOT OF PEOPLE[/b] HE DOESN'T LIKE. Y[b]OU'RE GOING TO DO THIS SHIT ANYWAY[/b] SO THIS [b]EXOTIC DEATHMACHINE[/b] IS JUST A [b][i]BONUS![/i] [/b] [b]THIS GUN IS F***ING POWERFUL![/b] MORE POWERFUL THAN THE TIME I [b]ATE A BRICK OF COCAINE[/b] AND [b]GOT RABIES[/b] FROM [b]TRYING TO MATE[/b] WITH [b]LOCAL BADGER[/b] AND GOT MYSELF BANNED FROM WENDY'S AFTER COMMITTING [b]TWENTY-SEVEN COUNTS OF FELONY ASSAULT[/b] AND ONE COUNT OF[b] BURGER SODOMY[/b]. YOU WILL FEEL LIKE UNBRIDLED, RAW SEXUAL DEATH WITH THIS SHOTGUN IN YOUR HANDS! THIS WEAPON IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A[b] PULSE RIFLE[/b] MATES WITH A[b] SHOTGUN[/b] IN THE MIDDLE OF A[b] RITUALISTIC DEATH-CULT ORGY! [/b] THE [b]RANGE[/b] IS[b] MISLEADING[/b]! THE STAT BAR IS[b] SHORTER[/b] THAN MOST OF[b] YOUR DICKS[/b], BUT THE WEAPON ITSELF HAS[b] LONG REACH AND TIGHT PELLET-SPREAD[/b], LETTING YOU[b] F*** SHIT UP[/b] FROM A[b] LUXURIOUS DISTANCE. BUILT-IN[u] SHOTPACKAG[/u]E AND [u]RANGEFINDER[/u]![i] YESSSS![/i][/b] [b]YOU WILL HAVE AMMO. [/b]SO MUCH[b] F***ING AMMO[/b]. YOU WILL HAVE SO MUCH AMMO THAT[b] THE FBI WILL NOTICE AND SEND AGENTS TO YOUR HOUSE[/b] AND YOU'LL BE LIKE[b] "F*** YOU, [i]TEXAAAAAASSS[/i]!" [/b]AND THEY WILL[b] BURN DOWN YOUR HOUSE WITH A TEAR-GAS GRENADE[/b] SOMEHOW AND[b] KILL ALL OF YOUR FOLLOWERS[/b] BY ACCIDENT[b]. THERE WILL BE BLOOD, FIRE AND TEARS. [/b]JUST LIKE WHEN[b] MY WIFE DIVORCED ME![/b] [b]THIS WEAPON IS A FALLEN FLAK SHOTGUN ON METHAMPHETAMINES.[/b] IT HAS THE[b] HOUSE OF DEVILS[/b] SIGIL CARVED INTO IT, WHICH MEANS [b]IT IS POWERED BY A SATAN[/b] AND[b] CONSTANTLY SPEWS FIRE FROM THE END OF IT[/b]! YOU COULD USE THIS FIRE TO[b] KILL A BUNCH OF SHIT[/b], AND THEN[b] LIGHT YOUR CIGAR[/b] WITH THE END OF THIS GUN AND SAY: "It looks like they've[b] Fallen[/b]... [i]and they can't get up[/i] (puts on sunglasses)..." OR SOMETHING ELSE CLEVER... BUT THERE ARE[b] NO CIGARS[/b] IN THIS GAME SO YOU WILL JUST[b] BURN THE F***ING SHIT OUT OF YOURSELF[/b] AND [b]RUIN YOUR BEARD[/b] IF YOU TRY THAT. [b]I AM ASSUMING YOU HAVE A BEARD IF YOU ARE WIELDING THIS WEAPON.[/b] LADIES, IF YOU[b] DO NOT[/b] HAVE A BEARD, [b]ONE WILL BE ISSUED TO YOU UPON COMPLETION OF ELDER CYPHER BOUNTY. [/b] [b]PLEASE WEAR IT AT ALL TIMES WHILE OPERATING LORD OF WOOOLLLVES![/b] [b]IF YOU ENCOUNTER LORD OF WOLVES IN THE CRUCIBLE IN AN EXTREME CLOSE-QUARTERS MAP:[/b] YOU [b]WILL NOT BE SAVED[/b] BY[b] THE HOLY GHOST[/b]. YOU[b] WILL NOT BE SAVED[/b] BY THE[b] GOD PLUTONIUM[/b]. IN FACT, [b]YOU WILL NOT BE SAVED.[/b] [b]ONE BURST[/b] WILL DROP A GUARDIAN. [b]TWO BURSTS[/b] WILL KILL A GUARDIAN AND CAUSE HIS FIRSTBORN TO DIE. [b]THREE BURSTS[/b] AND YOU'RE [b]JUST SHOWING OFF[/b] THAT YOU HAVE THIS [b]MAJESTIC SEXBEAST OF A WEAPON[/b], OR HAVE F*CKAWFUL AIM! [b]BURN EVERYTHING. BURN IT ALLLL. [/b] [b]LORD OF [i]WWOOOOOOLLLVES![/i][/b] Edit: [b]HERE IS THAT GODDAMN HOLOGRAM OF PAUL MCCARTNEY https://youtu.be/163_C5UVU-I [/b]

[quote]plz no ban; saw this on imgur; there are 50, btw. 1. What's the difference between Paul Walker and a computer? I give a -blam!- when my computer crashes. 2. My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support. 3. What do you call a five year old with no friends? A sandy hook survivor. 4. Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish, but Adolf Hitler made 6 million Jews toast. 5. What's the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl? You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message. 6. What's got 5 arms, 3 legs and 2 feet? The finish line at the Boston Marathon. 7. What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? GLOVES! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present. 8. How do Ethiopians celebrate their kids first birthday? By putting flowers on the grave. 9. How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her? She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles. 10. How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up. 11. Why do Mexicans never have Sex Ed. and Driver's Ed. on the same day? They have to give the donkey a break at some point. 12. Feminism 13. So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back… Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient. 14. Most black 15 year-olds in this country are decent, law abiding citizens. It's their kids who cause all the trouble. 15. How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Don't be stupid, feminists can't change anything. 16. What is a pedophiles favorite part about Halloween? Free delivery. 17. Whats the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of dead babies? I can't unload a truckload of bowling balls with a pitchfork 18. How do you kill a redneck? Wait 'till he -blam!-s his sister then cut the brakes on his house. 19. What's the toughest thing about eating bald pussy? Putting the diaper back on. 20. What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing you already done told her twice. 21. How do you fit 4 queers on a barstool? Flip it upside-down. 22. What's better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics? Not being retarded. 23. What happened when the jew walked into the wall with a hard-on? He broke his nose. 24. How long does it take for a black woman to take a shit? Nine months. 25. How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up like an altarboy. 26. What do you call 40 mexicans buried up to their neck in sand? A spicket fence. 27. How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None,they just sit in the dark and bitch. 28. Did you hear about the two car pile up in Mexico? 200 Mexicans died. 29. What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole? A pedophile. 30. What's a pedophile's favorite part of a hockey game? Before the First Period. 31. How do you swat 200 flies at one time? Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan. 32. What is a redneck virgin? A seven year old that can run faster than her brothers. 33. How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? One, she just holds the bulb to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her. 34. Girls are like blackjack… I'm trying to go for 21 but I always hit on 14. 35. Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? Because he can't do stand up. 36. Did you hear the Score of the Egypt vs Ethiopia soccer game? Egypt 8, Ethiopia didn't. 37. How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? They don't. They arrest the bulb for being broke and beat the room for being black. 38. What's 9 inches long, pink, and makes my girlfriend scream when I put it in her mouth? Her miscarriage. 39. A Jew, a black, and a Muslim are on a frozen lake, not talking to each other, so I thought I would go over there and break the ice. 40. What's difference between dollars and Jews? I'd give a shit if I lost 6 million dollars. 41. How does a black woman know she is pregnant? When she pulls her tampon out the cotton is already picked. 42. Whats the difference between George Zimmerman and Trayvon Martin? Zimmerman knew how to dodge a bullet. 43. One time I -blam!-ed this chick so hard, she almost came back to life 44. I don't understand why Obama has to give his speeches behind bullet proof glass. I mean,I know he's black and all, but I doubt he'll shoot anyone. 45. What's the difference between a Jew and harry potter? Harry can escape the chamber. 46. What do you call a woman who thinks she can do anything a man can do? Wrong. 47. Whats the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player? A hockey player showers after 3 periods. 48. What's the difference between cancer and Black people? Cancer got Jobs. 49. What do Sarah Palin and Iron Man have in common? They both had a downey jr inside of them. 50. What's a word that white people can call white people, but black people can't call black people? Dad.[/quote]

My grandpa said "your generation relies too much on technology" I looked at him and said "no, your generation relies too much on technology" then I unplugged his life support

Here is a crazy story that happened to me in the 12th grade. So I had this one Asian friend named Ving. Naturally, he was like the smartest kid I class. Now, at the time, I was failing math, getting like 50's and 60's and shįt. So I started hanging out with Ving and eventually started to get him to do my homework. I was not trying to be an asş hole or anything, I actually started to like his personality and he eventually became my best friend. One day I was hanging out at his house and we were just chilling and talking about random shįt. We then brought up his name. He said he didn't like the name Ving and that it was passed down from his family. He said he wanted to change his name to something more traditional like Lee. I told him that he was of legal age to get a name change and that he could do it in the court house in town, I even offered to drive him there. He took a few seconds to decide but eventually ended up agreeing. Now, Ving had a sister named Ling. She alway had her head in the books and was never any fun. She seemed like she had a stick up here asş most of the time. She walked in on us and heard us talking about Ving changing his name. Naturally, she told him not to listen to me and that he had to stay as Ving. But that only seemed to make him want to change his name even more. We then got up and headed over to my car. Ling, of course, followed us. As we drive to the court house, I noticed Ving become to feel a little uneasy about what he was about to do. We finally got to the court house, walked through the doors, and approached the lady at the front desk. Ving announced to her that he wanted to preform a legal name change. She then handed him a form to fill out and we all went to the sitting area. As Ving was filling out the sheet, he got very nerves to the point where he dropped the paper and began to cry that he just couldn't do it. We then took the form back to the lady at the desk and said that we don't want to go through with it. She then took back the sheet and said that we had to pay a $20 cancelation fee. Ling was so thankfull that Ving was not changing his name, that she offered to pay the fee. As she pulled a twenty out of her purse and proceeded to hand it to the lady. The strangest thing happened. The doors of the court house the burst open and the most stereotypical Asian man ran in. I mean this guy had the flip-flops, hawian t-shirt, sun hat, this little guy was decked out. I immediately recognized him as Ving and Ling's father. Ving then ran up to him and they began to hug each other while crying. Ving then explained to his dad that he loved the name Ving, and that he would name his children Ving, and they would name there children Ving. Ving's father then said... "Don't, stop. Be Lee Ving. Hold on to that fee Ling!!" [spoiler]Ya, that just happened...[/spoiler]

A plane crashed and every single person died. Who survived? All the couples

Why did the guardian cross the road? [spoiler]to find his wallet[/spoiler]

Why is 6 afraid of 7. [spoiler]Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he's sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces when they walked into that village and... oh Jesus. He shouldn't think about that now. Sometimes he still hears Tex's slow southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes. He always had a pack of Luckys. But the boys are gone now... he knows that. It's--it's just that he forgets sometimes. And sometimes the way that seven looks at him... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. And he feels like he's back there... In the jungle... In the darkness. Seven has a hook for a hand as well, which is very scary.[/spoiler]