Essentially I have been dealing with depression for a major portion of my life so I decided to reject things such as friends, family or even happiness, even little things like eating (I eat only when I'm like starving to death) so since I always wanted to die I feel that as soon as I want to start to live that I'll die from something random or natural reason. I used to watch this show where characters could turn their humanity off and become selfless, emotionless, dark beings, which in reality is impossible but you can come very close to it...