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11/3/2015 7:42:56 PM
8
My mother has a Vascular Cardiac Heart disease. The doctors in WI have no clue what kind it is because its attacking both her heart and her arteries. She has had open heart surgery last month and appears better. I live In NC now, and only get to visit her two or three times a year.
I have anger problems
I get annoyed easily and I jump from calm to angry almost instantly.
I also have no idea on how to let go of grudges I hold. I resent my father for choosing drugs, alcohol, and his stepdaughters over me. I resent my exstepfather for abusing me while he was married to my mother. I resent my mother for defending him....
I resent people. I spent years as an outcast. Bullied, shunned, a black sheep.
I need to let go of everything, I want to, but I can't. And that hatred I'm feeling all the time. That pure rage that eats at my heart has worked its way so deep into my mind that, the easiest way I can explain it, if I don't feed it it will consume me. And that is what scares me.
Not death. Not pain. But loosing who I am to the hatred I feal.
English
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I can relate to the hate feelings. Stay strong.
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Everyone has at least a bit of good and innocence inside them. You are not excluded. If nothing can be done on the moment thn time will solve or cure the problems. Grind your teeth and move forward. There is always someone that loves you, you just need to find that person or let yourself be found.
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Everyday above ground is a blessing, don't forget that. You may be in a crappy spot, but you need have a positive focus in life.
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I find clearing brush with a machete to be quite theraputic for those rage feelings. Maybe try to find something physical, maybe a little destructive but not harmful to others or yourself to kind of vent a little of that. Good luck, I mean that.
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Having a forum to express it is a start. I come from similar life experiences, sick mother, abusive ex-stepfather. The way I've dealt with it that works for me is, finding out what sets you off. I usually recognize the moments right before I explode, and walk away. Even if it's for only a couple minutes. I go outside (weather permitting) and sit down. Close my eyes, clear my head, and just breathe. Then while at home, I close my door, turn off my phone, and my head and do something mindless. Watch Netflix or play a game. That may not work for you, but my best advice, just breathe.
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Good advice
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Edited by El_Chunky: 11/3/2015 7:58:03 PMMaybe my hatred doesn't surface as strong as yours, but i know what you are saying. That's the dark force trying to consume you, but you are better than that guardian. I use music in 2 different ways; classical music helps me relax when i'm already in rage mode (chopin, bach, beethoven, etc.). On the other hand, when i feel the need to let out my rage because i can't stand it anymore, i listen to hard drum and bass. Drum and bass is such a rage-filled music, that i feel that the music really understands me, and it's expressing what i'm feeling, that way the music does the rage stuff for me, and i don't go into rage mode. Hope this helps a little bit, and hope your mother lives healthy for the next 200 years. Good luck and Godspeed guardian
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Just let out the rage from time to time. I destroy stuff with my baseball bat
