We here at Bungie have this really cool new strategy that we thought we would let you all in on. We decided to reward all of you, the gamers who have stayed true to us for over a year now with: a DLC that seems really cool until the endgame; MORE fruitless grinding (cleverly hidden beneath a thin banner which may or may not be made of iron); AND Microtransactions so we can get you to pay money for useless items! Your loyalty is as important to us as keeping our word, which basically means when we promised that we wouldn't do any more PS Exclusives, what we meant was unless big bad Activision tells us to, then we'll gripe to all of you about how unfair they are to us so you can hate them and not us. Because otherwise we would have totally kept our promise.
Oh and that one thing we said about reducing the grind and rewarding your hard efforts, you can forget that too because Iron Banner is so awesome! Don't worry, it's totally possible to get GREAT drops from it (next time, once we patch it, shhh..).
So anyway, back to our strategy. Last quarter 2015 has a pathetic lineup of new games coming out, so we don't have to worry about retaining our player base. I mean, what effect could the return of a certain Navy NCO E-9 whose series we originally developed have on our loyal fans? And a post-apocalyptic RPG, good thing we don't have any of THOSE elements in Des- wait.... SHOULD we be worried? Nah! I mean, it's not like either of those games will keep players away for long. After like 20 hours I'm sure they'll get bored of them, especially with all the things we have planned!
Picture all these things that are going to keep our fans loyal:
The King's Fall Raid, Hard Mode. The Raid you all know and love, but harder! With more raid gear that looks exactly the same EXCEPT (wait for it!) BLACK! BOOM! Didn't see that coming, did you!? DID YOU!? But wait! There's more!
The Iron Banner will be coming back regularly so that you can get even more: Endless control modes; waiting for a decent drop of applicable gear; and pounding your head against a wall in impotent RAGE!!!!
Monthly content releases: That's right, you remember how epic the search for Sleeper Simulant was, and what a completely AWESOME waste of time that was?! Well EXPECT MORE!!! We still haven't told you how to get No Time To Explain. And we promise (remember our promises?) that there is NO WAY that it's hidden behind a timegate. It's just not possible. Plus, we will gradually be expanding the inventory of our Silver vendor so that you can spend money on unnecessary things you never knew you wanted!
With the reveal of this strategy, we here at Bungie believe you will fully accept our plan as foolproof, and realize that no matter what FPS with somewhat religious overtones releases, or how many highly anticipated AAA titles are out there, you HAVE to keep coming back to the piece of garbage we released last year. Because no matter how bad the crap smells, we will keep applying a thin golden finish to the outside to keep you wanting more!
Note: Golden finish is not actually made of gold, it may or may not be lead with gold coloring.
Note: I do not actually represent or work for Bungie. This plan may or may not accurately represent their thought processes.
Note: This is sarcasm. Trolls will be mocked.
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Also, don't forget that if there are any bugs in the game that actually benefit players (looking at you, Black Spindle) we'll definitely make sure to fix them, while completely ignoring the bugs that pose a serious problem! Enjoy!
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Horrible attempt.....try again