I used to work in a bar when I was I was younger. Saw some pretty disturbing/funny stuff over the years. Anyway, this one time was a busy weekend, I was working a 12 hour shift and I was pretty tired by this point. I had a few customers come running from the male toilets shouting and more or less screaming. I caught up with them and asked what was wrong, they were pretty distraught. They told me that the place was 'covered in shit and there's a guy in there right now shitting all over' I laughed a little and said don't worry I'll sort it out, I put the whole thing down to a few mates playing a prank or just messing around. Feeling confident I walked through the first of two doors into the toilets....it was awfully quiet. The light between the doors was flickering a little, I gave a knock on the second door and proceeded to slowly push it open. The first thing that hit me was the smell....I was feeling a lot less confident at this point. But I'd worked here long enough, I knew how bad the toilets could get after a busy weekend. Even the females. I was desensitised by the odd shitty sock or women's toiletries by now...I pushed the door open further...worryingly. Now our toilets were painted a very subtle turquoise, they worked nicely with the colour scheme of the place, a very airy feel. I was not greeted with a familiar sight. The first thing I noticed was a light fixture hanging from the wall, blinking like an SOS signal. It illuminated the walls around it like a strobe, but not that familiar turquoise colour I was so used to. They were darker. A lot darker. And the familiar pattern was hidden with what looked like smeared handprints. As I stepped into the room I was greeted with a guy stood there, at the urinals, with the craziest look in his eyes, almost like Steve buscemis eyes in 'big daddy' but scarier. Only he wasn't stood, he was squatting over a urinal facing me, laughing like a madman. I soon realised what he was doing...HE WAS TAKING A SHIT IN THE URINAL! By this point the horror of the place hit me, shit was everywhere, all over the floor, up the walls, the crazy dude was also covered, like Arnold in the end scenes of predator. I could only make out those eyes....I was gagging, this was something I wasn't expecting. But this wasn't the worst of it. The guy stood up, pants and briefs at his ankles. He scooped something out of the urinal and threw it at me, like a chimp on a national geographic documentary. This was the only point in my life that I have been able to summon a matrix like slow motion slow down of my surroundings. There was a poo flying at me, solid and true. I was not about to be hit with a turd. Not with 2hours of my shift left. I ducked as fast as I ever have, the poo hit the wall behind me. I dived out of there as fast as I could and radioed the doormen for help. We kept the place locked down for a good 30 minutes until police arrived. I'll never get the memory of that shit-caked loony grinning as he walked past me out of my head.