A response to a letter from a Guardian with a complaint about our new prototype Crucible sniper rifle and it's astonishing time-to-kill. Because we value transparency in our relationship with our stakeholders, we are publishing his original letter, along with our reply:
[quote]Dear Omolon, I have tested your sniper rifle. I suggest you scrap this project and stick to fusion rifles. Quite frankly, your sniper rifle stinks
Sincerely,
Sargetc
[/quote]
Dear Sargetc,
Thank you for your feedback regarding your testing of our new crucible sniper rifle prototype, internally referred to as "Project Shitpile". We here at Omolon take pride in our ability to bring barely-lethal weapons to market, fulfilling our founder, my dear father, Ronald "Big Ron" Omolon's dream to fill the battlefields of this universe with wounded, maimed, suffering, and near-dead soldiers.
We understand your frustration with this particular rifle, and we have received similar feedback from thousands of other test guardians. Keep on talking, we are listening!
Most of the complaints we have received thus far have concerned the "time to kill" ability of the weapon, and we agree,[i] this thing kills much too quickly[/i]. We are working diligently to further slow the velocity of rounds (which, as you likely know, are miniature marshmallows) because we understand this weapon has been killing guardians in as few as two head shots. Big Ron Omolon would be spinning in his grave if he weren't so fat. And if he was dead. He's not. He's actually sitting right here, eating some mini marshmallows.
Please bear with us as we strive to further nerf our weapons. In the mean time, please prepare to test our next prototype on Wednesday, lovingly named "Fluff Cannon 300x". It's a small pink slingshot that fires...you guessed it...cotton balls!!!! (We wanted it to fire mini marshmallows but Big Ron has diverted all future marshmallow shipments to his home address.) The time to kill will be truly amazing on these suckers.
We look forward to a continued working relationship and as always, will be listening to your feedback.
Sincerely,
DeeeJ Omolon (No relation to DeeJ)
[i]Credit to Sargetc for his original letter and inspiration for this parody :). Here is his post
https://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/153430628/0/0[/i]
-
Dear omolon I used your scout rifle. But no scout rifle isn't a good word for it. I think it's actually a water gun. I played a game with it and scored myself a stunning 1 kill streak. The time to kill critical on this masterful weapon was a good 4 minutes, which beat when I used your sniper. (9 minute time to kill). I am slightly disappointed my water gun did not have tickler's rounds, it isn't an issue but it's a feature I'd like to see implemented on some of your new guns next week please. Also, please nerf the reload time of this gun. It is too damn fast. It reloads in an impressive 2 minutes, because you have to fill the water tank. Thank you for reading this DeeeeJ Omolon and Big Ron Omolon. With love, A satisfied omolon tester.
-
Edited by ABefuddledLion: 9/15/2015 1:41:34 AMWe at Omolon R&D must say thank you DeeeJ Omolon. You have inspired us to redesign our nerf guns so that they are that much more dart-tastic. It us with great enthusiasm that we tease the much awaited "Omolon Pre-nerfed Nerfer". It will be available from Xur this Friday for the small price of 80 strange coins. Now before you say "that can't possibly be enough for such a fantastic nerfer" there's some things you should know; 1. The Pre-Nerfed Nerfer is all set for your treks into the crucible. Each shot will shout out "IM NOT HARMFUL" before colliding gently with your intended target. 2. We have test fired this weapon against level 4 and 5 guardians and they said the after-hit tickles from the "bullets" were wonderful. 3. We found that the best way to make this weapon the most effective was to have it have a 10 minute time limit of use that automatically disconnects you from the Destiny Servers. 4. Once you have been disconnected, it will delete all your characters so that you will be able to replay the splendour that is Destiny in its all encompassing glory We hope that you, master DeeeJ Omolon, are as splendiforously titilated by this nerfer as we are. And we know that all guardians will love the nine minute time to kill this offers Thank you again Vagina P Pussywhipped Jr Senior nerf herder for Omolon R&D
-
Edited by huskerkme: 9/14/2015 11:25:43 PMDear Omolon, I am hear to give you my thanks, recently I was in the crucible on a twenty four kill streak mowing through everything with a fiery desire, when I was caught staring straight at the bright glare of a sniper scope. (that must've had an LED light on the end due to its bright glare) Scared that my streak would be ended [u]one[/u] kill before I got the medal that's possible names were all used before it got named. To my utter and total joy, the "bullet" (UP marshmallow) hit me dealing negative one thousand damage granting me a kill and auto ending the game, I just wanted to say, thank you for making that amazingly underpowered weapon saving my streak :) ~The Adjudicator
-
-
Sign if you saw the OG post
-
-
-
-
I seem that post earlier too lol funny
-
Bump for best satire post of the week.
-
Bump so I can read later
-
Bump!
-
I'm probably the worst Crucible player in all of Destiny, and even I was able to pull off a 2.64 k/d with that beast. Loved it!
-
[b]YES! THIS IS AMAZING!![/b] [i]~Shaxx[/i]
-
Love it
-
This is amazing.
-
Amazing!
-
Dear Omolon Recently I had the privilege, no...wait.. honor, of testing your portable Marshmallow Delivery System. The method of fast and efficient deliveries kept all of my opponents in crucible very happy and willing to come back for more. Thank you Omolon. P.S Can the production model please have a portable gram cracker dispenser? Sincerely, A Broken SIR.
-
Dear Omolon Häkke Makes you guys look like a nerfGun Builder, Häkke is better From A Häkke luver
-
Genius. 11/10; would read again
-
I hate fusion rifles
-
Dear Omolon, I recently used your sniper rifle, and I have to say, you need to better refine your products before the public testing stage. I was able to snipe two warlocks who had there backs turned towards me recently. Had you built your rifle up to snuff, both warlocks wouldn't have died embarrassing deaths. Sincerely, someone who is upset at warlocks not looking out for marshmallows.
-
Short gaze scope it's like a scout rifle with a sniper impact if it could only hold a bigger mag
-
You do make some fine fusion rifles
-
Bumpity bump bump
-
Dear omolon, I still don't like hard light