You're walking in the woods There's no one around and your phone is dead Out of the corner of your eye, you spot him Shia LaBeouf He's following you about thirty feet back He gets down on all fours and breaks into a sprint He's gaining on you Shia LaBeouf You're looking for your car but you're all turned around He's almost upon you now, and you can see there's blood on his face My God, there's blood everywhere! Running for your life From Shia Labeouf He's brandishing a knife It's Shia Labeouf Lurking in the shadows Hollywood superstar Shia Labeouf Living in the woods Shia Labeouf Killing for sport Shia Labeouf Eating all the bodies Actual, cannibal Shia Labeouf Now it's dark and you seem to have lost him But you're hopelessly lost yourself Stranded with a murderer You creep silently through the underbrush Aha! In the distance A small cottage with a light on Hope! You move stealthily toward it But your leg! AH! It's caught in a bear trap! Gnawing off your leg Quiet, quiet Limping toward the cottage Quiet, quiet Now you're on the doorstep Sitting inside, Shia Labeouf Sharpening an axe Shia Labeouf But he doesn't hear you enter Shia Labeouf You're sneaking up behind him... Strangling superstar Shia Labeouf Fighting for your life with Shia Labeouf Wrestling a knife from Shia Labeouf Stab it in his kidney Safe at last from Shia Labeouf You limp into the dark woods Blood oozing from your stump leg You've beaten Shia Labeouf Wait! He isn't dead, Shia surprise! There's a gun to your head And death in his eyes But you can do Jiu Jitsu (You can do it) Body slam superstar Shia LaBeouf Legendary fight with Shia Labeouf Normal Tuesday night for Shia Labeouf You try to swing an axe at Shia Labeouf But blood is draining fast from your stump leg He's dodging every swipe, he parries to the left You counter to the right, you catch him in the neck You're chopping off his head now... You have just decapitated Shia Labeouf His head topples to the floor, expressionless You fall to your knees and catch your breath You're finally safe from Shia Labeouf