Hmm. In regards to my little experiment in writing out various emotions I run into, describing them and such, but not giving them direction. I bumped into one of particular note today. Happiness [spoiler]Short lived, these moments are. But in their short burn, like a bright warm fire on a cold, damp and soggy day, I find comfort. It's a quiet burst of light, something powerful that kickstarts everything in me. For a brief while, I feel more than I normally do. It's a life that floods me, quietly. The mere thought of it, excites me. It's a moment of clarity for me, when I realize what I'm doing. I'm aware of my actions, and aware of what they're creating, for somebody. But most of all, it's a quiet expectation and excitement. It's a want, and a need, to see the result in full, played out across somebody's face. A smile. A certain light that shows up in people's eyes in recognition of the stranger who showed up to change their day, in light of the person that they know as a friend, once more, exceeding their expectations. I watch a smile form from my actions on another's face, and I myself am helpless not to smile back. Such is the extent of this feeling that I can't handle it. I am lost and overwhelmed. It is in moments like these, as a pure, simple sense of content finds me, a life in my bones and an energy that makes me feel as if I can do anything, as if I were indeed, indestructible, I bottle it in and hold it for as long as I can. Happiness, a thing I feel in only small, fleeting moments. It is a bittersweet feeling to me. Powerful in that it fills me with life, makes me feel, truly, alive, and pushes me to want create that feeling again, of just pure contentment and life, and to see the result on another human being. Bittersweet, in that as the moment fades with time, I return to my usual, darker self. Once more I turn on myself, and grow confused. I ask myself why would anybody pay such attention to me. Why they would appreciate me so. And, I break. It's a bittersweet moment. A realization for me, fading quickly. Some small part of me recognizes that inside I am not as monstrous as I think of myself. For a moment, I acknowledge the words I've been told face to face from people. In the expressions of those who stare out to me in wonder or shock, out of joy. In that I am, supposedly, a "good" person. And it stings. It's a strange pain. It hurts, far more than the quiet pain of constriction and binding that comes with sadness, my ever lasting depression. But as much as it hurts, to hear and acknowledge who and what I am, if only for a moment, it is one I would never trade away. My strength comes from those I care for. Wanting to see them feel something better. Wanting to see them feel joyous and happy, immune to the pains of the world, immune and so far beyond the reach of all the struggle and hardship that life bestows upon them. Happiness. A fleeting moment for me. Like a star that burns oh so bright. I feel the life and the will in me again, as if it were armour that protected me, allowed me to do anything I wanted, regardless of hurt and pain, regardless of my limits. I could, and I would do anything with that feeling. And with it, with that sensation of wanting to just explode from the sheer feeling of it, I grow calm. And as time passes, as the light fades, as all light does, the short calamity of that great, burning star fades. My world slowly goes dark again in the absence of that wonderful light. But I remember. My world may have gone dark. But for the people whom I directed that will of mine on? They will remember it. And it will make them happy. So long as I have them to look out for, them to make happy, then I will always, be happy, to greet their smiles when I help make them. Even if the feeling is short, like a fast burn, even if it ends and descends back down into dark and leaves me back in this sad state, I will never tire of it. And I will never stop, chasing that feeling, and wanting to see it come to life in others.[/spoiler]