It all started many years ago, when I first played a CoD game. I had no skill, and would die every time. One time, after i got destroyed, I got tea bagged by this tryhard 10th prestige. As I saw the guy constantly dip me over and over, my young 10 year old self asked my dad,
"Hey dad, what's this guy doing?" I asked my dad.
"Son, I am about to tell you of a great power, a power more evil than any other, that ruins friendships and destroys self esteem. Are you sure you can handle this?"
"Sure, I guess." I responded.
"Alright. This guy is tea-bagging you. Tea-bagging is a terrible act of pure dislike, meant to completely humiliate and shame someone's victim. You must promise to never use it, and it you do find yourself with the urge to tea-bag, god help your soul."
"I-I guess I understand." I stuttered, yet i didn't fully understand his seriousness.
Later, I was playing CoD again, and I killed someone quite easily. I began to think, "oh man, I can tea-bag this dude!" Little did I know, I was about to make a huge mistake. I slowly trotted up to the poor guy I killed, LuckiestGrape372... He wasn't too lucky today. Now on top of his body, I began a ritual more demonic than summoning a demon. I hesitated for a moment, remembering my dad's words, but continued on to tea-bag my adversary.
"B, B, B, B, B, B" I pressed repeatedly, slowly at first, and as I gained a false sense of confidence, I started going faster. Soon, I was laughing insanely, unable to stop my frenzied crouching. Then, all of the sudden, my Xbox, shut down, the lights turned off, and a voice boomed through the stereo,
"YOU HAVE MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE, BOY!" It shouted. "I AM THE GOD OF TEA-BAGGING, AND I DICTATE WHO IS WORTHY OF TEA-BAGGING. ONLY THE GREATEST KILLS ARE WORTHY OF A TEA-BAG! IF I CATCH YOU TEA-BAGGING WRONGFULLY ONE MORE TIME, YOU WILL BE CURSED FOR ETERNITY!"
All of the sudden, the lights turned back on, my Xbox restarted like nothing happened, and everything seemed normal again. Of course, everything wasn't normal, for I was scarred for life. Ever since that day, I rarely would tea-bag, and if I did, it was only after the greatest kills of my life. All was well for quite some time. Then, it all went downhill after destiny came out. When I first tried out crucible, it seemed ok. As more people got the game, more noobs began to play. One day in a lobby full of hormonal teens who tea-bagged after every kill, I finally snapped. I barrel stuffed the biggest squeaker on their team, and tea bagged his voice-cracked face over and over. Instantly, I regretted my actions, but it was too late. The voice came back.
"YOU HAVE MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE. I THOUGHT YOU LEARNED AFTER LAST TIME, BUT IT APPEARS NOTHING HAS CHANGED."
"No! Please, it-it was an accident! Please have mercy!" I pleaded.
"I'M SORRY, BUT YOU WERE WARNED, AND YOUR ACTIONS ARE UNFORGIVEABLE! YOU ARE NOW CURSED TO TEA-BAG AFTER EVERY KILL, NO MATTER WHAT, EVEN IF IT GETS YOU KILLED!"
"NOOOOOOOO! What's going to happen to my KD? Why meeeeeeeeee? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Right then and there, my gaming career just ended. Now, whenever I kill an enemy, wether it is an AI or a player, I have to sprint to their body and teabag, even if it gets me killed. Even when I kill people in real life, I have to go over to their body and repeatedly teabag wether it's safe or not. I've lost all my friends and have gotten thousands of hate messages over Xbox about my teabagging. I can't stop, or else the teabag God will kill me. Please, if you are a heavy teabagger, I beg you to stop teabagging right now, or risk ending up with the same fate as me.
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Tea bagging is for petulant children.