Hey Offtopic. I know this seems really stupid of me to do, but as of now, I feel victim to my current circumstances and I've honestly never felt so lost in my life. It feels like the world is picking at my festering wounds and leaving me to rot. Out of confusion, sadness, and desperation, I now tell you my story. It'll be long, unfortunately. Please bear with me if you can. I never really cared about having a girlfriend or not. (Forgive me if I come across a tad bit narcissistic.) I've always had top grades, a decent amount of friends, and an artistic talent. Not to mention community volunteering on the side. In short, I've always been a busy kid. And then I met this girl. To keep a level of privacy, I'll refer to her as her nickname, Lucy. She's beautiful. She's got a caring attitude, a wonderful voice, a knack for theatrics, music, and art. Something about her bright demeanor and compassion had just transformed my monotone days into experiences bursting with color. Every moment with her made every little inconvenience worthwhile. She was everything to me. And at the same time, every moment without her felt like hell. I never knew how much I was dependent on her. And I never knew that I felt so strongly for her. The reason I always held myself back- Was because she already had a boyfriend. So in short, I never felt like I could ever become someone of value to her. If life was a movie, I would only be a minor role. Not the best friend, and certainly not the boyfriend. Just friend A. But as I found myself getting closer and closer with her- every conversation, every joke, every call, I couldn't help myself. I was absolutely smitten with her. I loved her so goddamn much. Mere words cannot put my emotions into proper context. And eventually, I came to the conclusion that I would wait for the right time to tell her. I couldn't let my emotions get the best of me and push me into a horrible mistake. Oh, what a fool I was. 15 weeks ago, her boyfriend had went on a trip overseas. During said trip, he kissed another girl. And guess who came crying into my arms later that day. Through Lucy's fits of crying, and my pathetic attempts at comfort turning into satirical sappy humor, I couldn't help but think- "Is this my chance?"But I knew that she was going through a lot at the moment. We enjoyed the rest of our conversation, said our goodbyes and headed home. I shut down my own feelings so I wouldn't complicate things. But again, like before, I....couldn't stop myself. The next events that are about to unfold had forever changed me. Sent me down on a spiral that lead to my eventual depression. I dreamed about her. Sappy, isn't it? When I woke up, these exact words left my mouth. "Shit....I've fallen in love with her." Those words had then set me on a very specific objective: I have too much going on right now. Volunteering, creative projects, academics, and right now I didn't need these feelings to distract me. And later that day, O met up with her and told her how I felt. "I can't say I don't love you back.....But I can't do the same thing my boyfriend did to me. Maybe, if things were different, we could be together.....I'm sorry." Those words left me in a typhoon of emotions. I was torn. I'm happy that she felt the same, but I can't help but feel like I've just been rejected. Those words still continue to haunt me to this day, playing in constant repetition. So then I said- "I figured. Listen, I know you're in a lot of pain right now, considering recent events....But I just want to let you know that I'm here to help any time, and I'll do anything I can to help fix these wounds between you and your boyfriend." And it was then that I made what I consider to be the stupidest mistake of my current life spent. I made a promise to her that I would be for her if they ever broke up. I had swore that I would help them even if my own emotions ate me up inside. And you know what? That's EXACTLY what they did. Nightmare after Nightmare. Week after week. Lowering grades. Losing inspiration. Losing energy. Chest pains. No motivation. Getting harder to smile. It was clear what was happening me. I was becoming depressed. I continued to help them, and eventually I just lost sight of my true self. I lost sight of my own goals and motivations. Amidst all the emotional turmoil, I had turned my back on the happiness I once knew and took for granted. And eventually, they broke up, as the effects of the overseas trip had taken their toll and the two separated. And honestly, hearing her cry was the most painful thing possible. And it felt like all the effort I had keeping them together and fixing their emotional wounds had gone to waste. But I did know what to do next. I would help her move on, and maybe someday be her special someone. Week after week, the both of us were slowly recovering. Until.... She told me she had gotten back with her boyfriend. That was the trigger that made things worse. She's my best friend and considers me to be her best friend ever. I know she never intended any harm. But I can't help but feel that she's making a huge mistake- or maybe that's my jealousy speaking. I'd played the waiting game. And this was the punishment for it. Now? I don't know what to do anymore. I can't feel very much happiness anymore. I've been contemplating on suicide every day. I don't want to end things here. I still love with her and I can't move on no matter how much I want to. Every night feels like the longest and my constant nightmares are getting even worse. I know she's worried. And on top of all this... My family is on the other side of the world, and we're all working to help pay for their expenses. My grandparents are dying. My dog is blind. There is far too much to worry about and it feels like everything's over for me. And now, I come to you all out of absolute desperation. I've been suffering for fifteen weeks and now I can't take it anymore. If things go any further, I might actually move through with killing myself. Please, what should I do? I pray that you have the integrity to answer truthfully and I thank you for reading. I want to pain to end. I want to be with her. I'm ultimately torn. Please. What should I do? Edit: thank you all. Thanks to your efforts, I've had more than one reality check. You all have all reminded me of the road ahead and what's at stake. It is with great happiness that I thank you all for your kind comments and I'll do my best to stay strong. I am forever indebted to you all. God bless you all.