[quote]My Girlfriend wanted me to treat her like a princess for her birthday. So I took her out, got her drunk, and crashed the car. The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.' Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'. A guy was walking to a bar and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks. He untied her and they had sex. Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fu[i]c[/i]ked in. Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies "I couldn't find it." If the camera adds ten pounds, then do African children actually exist? What do you call of 6 year old with no friends? A sandy hook survivor. I was walking down the street the other day. Suddenly I saw a black man running like hell with a TV in his arms. Fearing it was mine, I run to my house. But I was wrong... mine was there, happily cleaning my shoes. Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing a seatbelt. Q: What sits in a corner and gets smaller and smaller? A: A baby combing its hair with a potatoe peeler. Why can't you fool an aborted fetus? Because it wasn't born yesterday! Guy having sex says "damn bitch, there should be a law against sex this good" To which the girl replies "i think there is daddy" What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow? You stop milking a cow after 10 years. A priest, a paedophile and a rapist walk into a bar. He sits down and orders a drink. What's better than winning a gold medal in the special Olympics? Not being retarded. A man goes to the library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says, "-blam!- off, you won't bring it back." Who are the fastest readers in the world? 9/11 victims. They went through 87 stories in 10 seconds. What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy? Gang -blam!-. What's the warmest organ in a dead woman's body? My dick. So I was fu[i]c[/i]king a girl the other day and she cried out "Please, think of my children!" Kinky bitch. What did the blind, deaf, crippled boy get for Christmas? Cancer A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer pain of child birth to the Father. He asks If it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch. How do you get a Jewish girls number? Roll up her sleeve. Q: What's the most positive thing in the ghetto? A: HIV Q: Why are Asians eyes so squinty? A: Atomic bombs are pretty bright. Whats the difference between the Jews and Santa Claus? Santa goes down the chimney What's got 5 eyes, 3 ears, and 2 and a half noses? The finishing line at the boston marathon So my Grandfather died at Auschwitz... tripping over some barbed wire while shooting at a Jew. If only we had a mosquito net for every person in Africa, we could save millions of Mosquitos from needlessly dying of AIDs What's the worst part about being black and Jewish? Having to sit at the back of the oven. What's the hardest thing about putting vegetables in the oven? Fitting their wheelchair in. How do you stop a deaf mute girl from telling her parents you -blam!- her? Break her fingers. So I -blam!-ing this girl a few days ago, and my wife and screamed. I don't know what scared her worst, that fact I was -blam!-ing our daughter, or the fact the abortion clinic let me keep her How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Glue some toast to the ceiling What does a Black guy do after sex? 20 years to life. Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion? "Ask your sister" I don't have a... What do broccoli and sex have in common? If you're forced to have it as a kid you won't enjoy it as an adult. How do you titty -blam!- a 6 year old? Break her shoulders. What's the best part about having sex with an 8 year old? Watching him break down on the witness stand. Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people live next to a pedophile. Not me though. I live next to 2 beautiful 14 year olds. So i was eating out my girlfriend the other day, when all of a sudden i tasted horse semen. And i was like "oh grandma, so that's how you died" my humor is so dark it can be enslaved What is black and sits at the top of the stairs? A quadriplegic in a house fire. A man walks into a Planned Parenthood clinic and asks for birth control for his ten year old daughter. "Your ten year old daughter???" the lady at the counter replied, "she's ten years old and is sexually active??" The man replies, "active? Hell no! Usually she just lies there and cries!" How do you get 12 dead babies in a bowl? With a blender. How do you get them out of there? With nacho-chips. What's the hardest thing about running through a field of dead babies? My penis. What's the worse thing to do at a funeral? The corpse. Q - When does a pentagon have only four sides? A - When it's intersected by a plane. What do you call a black woman that has had 15 abortions? a crime fighter A daughter asks her dad if she can have a sleepover with her girlfriends and he agrees. Later on, he over hears their game of truth or dare to which the daughter's friend asks her when the last time she had an orgasm was. The daughter replied, "Oh, about 3 days ago." and her dad bursts into the room yelling, "I KNEW YOU WERE FAKING LAST NIGHT!" What's pink, 6 inches long, and makes my girlfriend cry when I put it in her mouth? Her miscarriage. Jesus Christ may have fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish...but Adolf Hitler made 6 million Jews toast. A white woman meets a handsome black man at a bar and decides to let him go home with her. At the door she reaches into his pants and whispers seductively "show me what they say about black men is true" So he stabs her and steals her purse. what is the difference between a pakistani elementary school and an al-qaeda outpost? hell i don't know, i just fly the drone. How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? They don't. They arrest the bulb for being broke and beat the room for being black. What makes an ISIS joke funny? The execution. Why do black people only have nightmares? The last one who had a dream got shot. Asians drive so bad that I'm starting to think Pearl Harbor was an accident Food is like dark humor, not everyone gets it What's black underneath and white on top? Society. What's black on top and white underneath? R@pe What is the #1 cause of pedophilia in the United States? Sexy kids. A young girl comes home one day and approaches her father, who is sitting in the living room. "Daddy," she says, "a strange man did something bad to me at the park today." The father, suddenly very attentive, turns to face his daughter. "Oh, god... okay, sweetie, you need to understand that it absolutely wasn't your fault, and you will not get in trouble for telling me about it. Can you explain what happened?" "Well," the girl begins, "I was playing in the sand, when the man came up to me and told me to come with him behind a tree." "Oh, god," mutters the father. "Then what?" "Then he pulled down his pants and showed me his thing." "Oh, god!" the father exclaims. "What happened next?" "Then," the girl continues, "he pulled up my dress and touched me on my underwear." "Oh, god!" shouts the father. "Sweetie, what happened after that?" The girl answers with a shrug. "Nothing. That was it." "Well, make something up! I haven't finished yet!" Why do you always put a baby in the blender feet first? So you can look into its eyes while you cum. How do you know your girlfriend is too young for you ? when you have to make an airplane sound to put your dick in her mouth What's the hardest part about being a pedophile? Trying to fit in. What is red, slimey, and crawling up the inside of a woman's thigh? An abortion with homesickness. Q: How do you get gum out of your hair? A: Cancer Best thing about dating an Ethiopian girl? You know she'll swallow. Reply to this if you want more jokes.[/quote]