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3/26/2015 11:59:17 PM
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Shitty fanfictions thread

Post shitty fanfics. [spoiler]Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Harry Potter who lived under the stairs in a house on Privet Drive with his aunt and uncle. He was a good, obedient boy who did all his chores; but he felt that there was something missing in his life. Something big and special; but he could not quite name it. He stayed up every night; and wished for this special something; but then one day, there was a knock at his door-and everything changed. "Answer the door, Harry!" his Aunt Petunia, a career woman, barked from her armchair where she sat with her feet up. She had short, curly blonde hair and never wore any makeup. Uncle Vernon nodded sheepishly from the kitchen; and put a tray of moist, chocolatey brownies in the oven. Shouldn't you be doing that? Harry thought; but he was a very obedient young boy, so he answered the door right away. He turned the brass, metal doorknob; and pulled open the heavy, wooden door. On the porch was standing a huge, muscular man with a big, manly beard; and he was dressed in a plaid, red shirt, blue jeans, and sturdy, leather boots. His chest was covered in a thick, unruly carpet of coarse, brown hair. He wore a necklace that looked to Harry like a lowercase T. Just looking at Harry feel happy, peaceful somehow; but he couldn't say why! "Good morning, kiddo," the man greeted amiably; and smiled at Harry. He had the peaceful, friendly sort of face you just knew you could trust. "My name is Hagrid. Could I speak to your mommy and daddy?" "I don't have a mommy or daddy," Harry replied sadly; and looked at his raggedy, old shoes that were blue. Perhaps that was why he felt so lonely, he thought, not for the first time. Maybe that was what he was missing-a mommy and daddy. But no, that was not quite right. "I am so sorry to hear that!" Hagrid uttered empathetically. "You can speak with my auntie and uncle," Harry retorted politely; and blinked his big, blue, childlike eyes. "What do you want?" Aunt Petunia peered out the door with her narrow, suspicious eyes; and she was wearing a baggy, unflattering pantsuit. "Hello, neighbor! I was wondering if you have been saved," Hagrid exclaimed brightly; and tipped his wide-brimmed, straw cowboy hat. Aunt Petunia laughed a gravelly laugh; and leaned forward on her sturdy, practical boots. "Saved? Don't tell me you are you one of those Christians?" Harry did not know what that word meant; but Hagrid's smile was the most peaceful smile he had ever seen. It made Harry feel warm and happy inside just seeing the glowing, radiant grin on the kind, friendly stranger's face. He wondered why Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon did not smile like that... "Yes, I am," Hagrid replied kindly. "Are you?" Aunt Petunia laughed again; and stuck her pointy, sharp nose up in the air. "We are too smart for that. Haven't you read Dawkins? God is dead! Dawkins proved that. Would you like us to educate you on the Dawkins?" "What is a Christian?" Harry queried innocently; and scuffed his shoe on the shaggy, yellow carpet which had not been vacuumed in quite some time. "Christians are people who want to be good," Hagrid explained wisely; and crouched down so he was on eye level with Harry. "We want to go to heaven after we die. Do you know what heaven is, Harry?" Harry shook his head; and his big eyes were wide and curious. "Heaven is a beautiful place where we can be with God." Aunt Petunia smacked her hands over Harry's young ears; and her voice was sickly sweet when she said, "Thank you very much for your concern, sir, but he does not need your religion, he has science and socialism and birthdays. Haven't you heard of Evolution? I have a very good textbook on Evolution that I could give you on it if you would like to learn things." Hagrid laughed wisely. "Evolution is a fairytale. You don't really believe that, do you?" "Yes, I do!" Aunt Petunia screeched. "Well then prove it!" Aunt Petunia could only stare at him; and her big mouth hung open dumbly. Here she thought she was so educated; and always demanded that Christians prove what they believed in; but she couldn't even prove her own religion. It was then that Harry knew who the smart one here was! "Tell me how to get to this heaven place!" Harry cried wistfully, clasping his hands together. Sometimes, the wisdom of little ones is really amazing. We think we grownups know it all; but then God speaks through the mouths of little ones; and shows us how we are all mortals struggling along the path of life. Humility. "All you have to do is be saved. Do you want to be saved?" "I do, I do!" Harry squealed, jumping up and down. "Then pray the sinner's prayer!" Aunt Petunia tried to stop him; but she was powerless against Harry's pure, innocent, holy energy. Soon, Harry had said the prayer. Hagrid beamed happily. "You're a Christian now, Harry!" Hagrid cried proudly. Harry smiled but then interrogated, "But how do I be a Christian? I don't know how!" Hagrid grinned widely. "There is only one place to learn that-Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles!" [/spoiler]

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  • Dazarobbo was having a horrible day. He just got laid off from his job and his girlfriend just kicked him out of her house when she heard the news. His relationship with her had been deteriorating ever since he became a moderaor on bungie.net. Instead of hammering her, he spent his time hammering noobs on the forums. He had nowhere to go and he had no internet. His family was about 777 miles away and he only had enough money and gas to get to 666 miles. Daza knew he had to find a place to stay. So he called his best friend, Bobcast. Daza explained the situation, about how he got fired from his job and kicked out by his girlfriend and that he just needed a place to stay. Bob listened patiently to Dazarobbo. When Daza was done talking he asked, "Do you think I could stay at your place for a couple of days? Until I find a job at least?" "Sure man, Recon Number 54, Foman, TU and I are going to be having a drinking party tonight. You could join us for a couple of days." Dazarobbo thanked him a lot for being such an awesome friend. So Dazarobbo hitched a ride on a bus (his ex girlfriend owned the semi-truck since she was a trucker). 30 minutes later, he was at Bobcasts apartment and he knocked on the door. Bob opened the door up and welcomed dazarobbo in. "The other guys are inside playing halo reach, there are chips and salsa in the kitchen and beer in the fridge, help yourself dude. You will be staying in room upstairs on the left." he said. "Thanks man, I'm sorry to drop in on you like this." said Dazarobbo. "No problem man, I am a doctor. It is my duty to take care of people, especially my friends." Dazarobbo went upstairs to put his things in his room. Then he came back down and said hi to the others. "sup?" said True Underdog, "Hey -blam!- whats happnin?" said foman " Hey son? how are you doing?" said recon number, who took up a whole couch. "Just hanging out for a couple of days. So he sat down to play some games with the other ninjas. When nightfall came, the drinking games started. Foman and Bobcast played against Dazarobbo and True underdog in a game of beer pong while Recon number ate 2 bags of chips and drank one of the kegs of beer. So the games went on and the ninjas got pretty drunk. Dazarobbo, who was staggering drunk, burst out crying all of a sudden. "yo whats wrong bro? *hiccup*" said foman. "Ever since I became a forum ninja, my life went downhill!I had so much fun banning people that I didn't pay attention to my girlfriend or my job! So I lost m-my job and I l-lost my girlfriend a-and she k-kicked me out! " Dazarobbo bellowed. The other ninjas looked at him with sympathetic glances. Bobcast put a hand on his shoulder and said, "You are not the only one. I wanted to become a surgeon. But ever since I became a ninja, my life went downhill. I wasn't able to finish my classes in collegeman, now I am only a nurse. Plus I got kicked out of my girlfriend's house too!" "R-Really?" said Dazarobbo. "So was I man" said foman, who now had tears in his eyes. "I was goin to be a -blam!- lawyer yo! but then I became a ninja! and DAMN! I had so much fun kickin them stupid white folks from bungie.net and haven them swear me out that i forgot to do my classes an shit. my bitch kicked me out of her house and i was on the street! An my homie, Bobcast took me in!" Dazarobbo was astounded. He looked at True underdog, who immediatly broke down and cried. "me too man! I have a beautiful son! But I never paid attention to him because I was a ninja on bungie.net! My girlfriend kicked me out and bobcast took me in!". Recon number 54 burped. "I never knew we were all so alike... I love you guys so much!" exclaimed Dazarobbo "we need eachother don't we?" They all nodded, even recon number nodded, sending undulations through his blubber. So they all gathered around and hugged eachother. Then, what one can only hope was the guidance of the alcohol, they began to fondle eachothers asses. The ninjas began to undress until they were butt naked. Their throbbing banhammers hanging . Dazarobbo and bobcast caught eachother's eyes and began to embrace eachother. While Dazarobbo and Bobcast were making out, True underdog knelt in front of foman. Then foman shoved his big black veiny banhammer into his ass, making True Underdog squeal. Meanwhile, Recon number 54, who couldn't get out of the couch because of his weight, began to jerk his banhammer. Bobcast looked at Dazarobbo's raging banhammer and knelt down. He put it in his mouth and sucked on it. Meanwhile foman and true underdog cried out and they both sprayed banhammer juice at the same time. Recon number was still jerking. Bobcast's sucking was making dazarobbo moan in ecstacy. All of a sudden he cried out and sprayed into Bob's mouth. They were spent. But then bobcast looked at recon meaningfully. Recon, getting the message, pulled out his glass eye. Then bobcast came over and stuck his banhammer ino recon's eye socket. This got recon to moan and jerk off even more furiously. Bobcast screamed as he came into that eyesocket, dripping banhammer juioce down recon's cheek. Recon came all over bobcast's legs. The night went on and the ninjas are now closest friends. But then one night, foman was was monitoring the forums and saw this story. "WHO THE -blam!- RECORDED THIS SHIT AND MADE AN ALTERNATE ACCOUNT ON BNET?!?!?"

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