Harry potter and the lord of the dragon lance rings

This is my fan fic harry potter and the lord of the dragon lance rings  the emotionally gripping story of harry potter must venture off to Ansolan with his friends bilbo baggans, shrek, shadow the hedgehog and johnny gat in order destroy the mythical elder wand in the the queens reef in order to stop the cabal from taking over skyrim "  Chapter 1 "ZE CHOPAA" "WAKE UP" yelled Dudley as he jumped on harry (effectively breaking ALL his ribs). Dudley ran out as he heard his mother yell "FOODS READY!!" Harry got up and walked out of his room as he called up his old friend "Johnny Gat" roughly 15 seconds later he saw a helicopter bursting into the house. Johnny fell out of the helicopter and he pulled out his AK-46 (hes quite the hipster) The abusive Aunts And uncle walk up stairs yelling" YOU CAN CREATE CHOPPERS!" as they ran into the helicopter "looks like we don't need to pay for vacation fees!" Johnny says to harry "don't worry i know a friend who can help up" Chapter 2 Bilbo's (postponed) retirement: After Bilbo did amazing things. Bilbo made some tea as he looked at his ring as he got a phone call from Johnny "What do you want? I have told you many times i don't want to help the saints after they stopped making my favorite Flavor or tea!" "Its necessary meet me at Harry's" Johnny said as he hung up on Bilbo Bilbo was walking and he found a house in a swamp... "shreks?" *bilbo opened the door to see the horrific site of shadow and shrek* DEAR LORD! "shadow im sorry, its ogre for now, bilbo needs you" "damn" shadow said as he walked to bilbo Chapter 3 "murder time fun time" After Shadow and Bilbo got to Harry's house Johnny had The Midget Mobile ready to be taken to His house Bilbo asked shadow "why were you with shrek" "......" said shadow as he stared blankly down Bilbo's eyes Johnny yelled "NO THATS RED'S LINE YOU IDIOT" "NOW IM MAD" Johnny yelled "THATS THE STOLEN HELI SHOOT IT" shadow pulls his toilet gun and shoots Johnny gets the final blow only to find out it WASNT the stolen chopper The chopper crashes into Johnny's pent house only to be served as a small plot device END OF EPISODE 1